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Zini, I am a reunited adoptee AND a reunited birth mother so I know 1st hand from both perspectives. I have been involved in many search and reunions and interestingly enough most birth moms when contacted about reuniting with their birth children, feel it is 1st needed to fess up to husbands and their other children and it seems to be extremely hard for them. You will NEVER be able to totally know the pain that your Mom must have gone through to relinquish your sister. No doubt the hardest and most traumatic event of her life. And the guilt?? oh wow! Many birth moms feel they have no right to later ever be involved in their birth child's life, were made to feel that way from the authorities who she worked with to place her child, no matter who initiates contact. The overwhelming guilt makes them assume that if there ever is reunion that their birth child will be 1st angry and hurt, feeling rejected by her from the beginning. Your Mom was brainwashed from the get go. Fortunately most adoptees do NOT feel that way. Please please give your Mom the benefit of the doubt and think about what all she did, keeping this traumatic, shameful experience to herself, how hard it must of been. What good really would it have done for her to tell you as a child that you had a sister out there that she believed that you would never have an opportunity to know. Please try to understand that things were so different back then, the walls that she has put up were most likely the only way she could cope with the feelings of low self worth, shame and guilt. Love her and support her now and really try to let your anger go. Maybe even help her find support somewhere from other birth moms who know and understand how she was made to feel. Maybe then she can start to let those walls come down. You feel betrayed. It was really her that was betrayed many many yrs ago before you were even thought of.
zini2008
amc66, i can give her the benefit of the doubt, we have talked since and she said she should have told me but she didnt and thats that. i still feel very angry and frustrated at times at the situation, its like still she is in denial and doesnt want her past brought up but now that her adoptive daughter is in touch she is also cold with her, and with us. we have met the half sister, and when we spoke to her she was a small bit angry, which i understood, i also told her i was angry not at her (half sister) but at my mum for the way she handled the situation and continues to do so with all of us. she wants to sweep all of this under the carpet and not want us to talk about it. i told her its now time to talk we at least deserve answers. she reminds me of a child its like when she put them up for adoption and hasent grown up since she is like hiding away , not able to face reality, sometimes i feel im the mother, i said to her its good to talk and get ur feelings out there and then that way then u dont build up anger, and a resentment against some 1 talk things through and see where the resolution. she didnt understand this, i told her this is me and we are 2 different people im telling you how i feel. i said if u dont talk to me and go on been cold i will end up been bitter towards you. she then said she understood, but i think it was her jsut saying yea she agrees so the convo would end.
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i was raised to always tell the truth, no matter what, and i feel like i was betrayed. yes i do understand it was different times back then and thats the way it was and people prob brainwashed her, but did they also brainwash her to lie and have all the secrecy? after years of bf cheating, abuse and lying i found it very hard to trust anyone, and still have issues with getting close to any1 enough to trust them, i now always doubt people, to make matters worse. a few years later i found out i have a half sibling after 28 years, the 1 person who made me believe it was just me and my other sibling and no 1 else. My mum said she knew this day would come , And that there was no lies or secrecy in the family, and that she hasent lied to me for 28 years, i told her what part of saying its just you and ur sister do you not think its a lie, if u knew this day would come. my mum, then blamed every 1 for not telling us in the family, yet to me it was just another excuse. the only reason she told us is becasue the half sibling got in touch with her, and she was secretly meeting her and getting me to drive her down telling me it was for work, i feel so angry it seems its 1 lie after another, and now i do feel i can only realy and trust myself. yes i know what its like to loose a child, i have lost 1 myself, but i didnt go and lie about it and keep it from any1 in a way it would affect people and there lives in years to come. there just seems to be so much lies, she said she prob wouldnt have told us if the half sibling had not made contact. now that she is in contact with the half sibling, my mum now wants us to play happy families and have dinner etc, when i met my half sibling my dad said we can take it slow, he also knew about it and said nothing. it went to meeting the half sibling to the following week having dinner, i feel suffocated. my mum thinks we are children and can just put us all together after years of not even knowing to having dinner if nothing has happend. it seems my other sibling is ok with it but she is is alot younger. and they cant see why im so upset and what the big deal is. yet my mum still wants it to be a big secret to the rest of the family and we have to tell no one. she still cant see its a shock and alot to take in and dont understand how i cant play happy families, i think its all so fake. i am 1 of those people who are angry at not knowing
zini2008
...but did they also brainwash her to lie and have all the secrecy?
I realize that this thread is a few years old, but I am a birth sister who just found her older sister that was given up for adoption. I'm not very comfortable talking about this on a public forum about it, but I will say this much: I was the searcher in my family, and she was also searching. Any other siblings who have had reunions, I would be into chatting privately.
Hi, Have just been reading the thread. I originally wrote the post and even after all these years am still struggling. I'm 60 now...found them at 50 and I think that is a part of the problem... To try to integrate into a family already entrenched in their own dynamics is virtually impossible. I'm the oldest..we have detached and rejoined several times over the years and now I believe it's the last. I had great hopes with my brother, the youngest but when it comes down to it...history wins every time. It's been a very painful and yet healing journey. I also have been writing and have 2 memoirs coming out soon "Finding Heart Horse" and "The Wall of Secrets". I don't know if my trauma ridden life has anything to do with our disconnect..I don't think so. I've worked so hard on those deeply buried adoptee issues and went in with an open heart. It seems the trickle down effect has left them in a place of not wanting to "go there" . Birth mom died 9mos after I moved across Canada to get to know them. A few yrs later I found Bfather. I was an only child in a family that didn't want kids and ran away at 15. I would give anything to be able to call this bio family...my family and my sisters..true sisters. I was crushed when I realized, history will always win in this situation and I am now back to being sister less. The ironic part is that I believe we all want the same thing. To be wanted, to be trusted and respected. To belong and be loved. Fear vs Love. When one side heals and the other doesn't is there a chance?
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First I am so glad to have found this forum. Thanks everyone for sharing their stories, this helps. My story, I did 23&me almost 10 years ago and didn't even consider back then that I could find my bsister. But then last July I get a notification that they found my younger sister. Seeing that 51% match is still shocking to consider. I guess I am so cautious to fully believe this for fear of it not being true, and then the next fear is how do we bond and is this something she wants to do? We tried talking but I felt like I was doing all the outreach. She was very sweet via video call and I did feel like we hit it off well. But I am afraid to take it further or even how to go about doing that.... None of my friends can relate since they all have siblings or idk any adopted friends so it's hard to get advice from someone who could relate. I probably will reach out again for another talk, but I just worry so much about what to say to her or how to take the next steps or will I scare her away... But having a sister is a dream of mine, so with time I hope to continue to connect with her. I'm only 29 and she is a tad younger so I am glad at least we found each other sooner than later. Sending good thoughts to all those adoptees. It's an interesting road we go down.