Uncomfortable questions... need a good comeback!

Oh my. That is a tough question. It's great that you've decided to go back to church, but I can see your concern. When the members see someone new, they'll pounce on them! Not necessarily in a bad way, but they will be naturally curious. There was an article in the Ensign last month that sort of addressed this topic. It was actually about miscarriage, but it basically said that when it comes to matters of starting a family, don't ask and don't assume. I wish everyone would read and apply it. Some people just don't want to talk about it! I guess if someone offers a congratulations in passing, I'd just say "thank you" and leave it at that. There will be others with lots of questions, though, and that's a little hairy. Are you going by yourself? I think that if people see a single woman, obviously pregnant, they'll be less likely to ask questions about it than they would if you showed up with a spouse or boyfriend until they get more of an idea of how comfortable you are talking about it. At least I would. And for those with less tact, if they ask what your plans regarding the baby are, I think I might say, "I have an adoption plan, but I'm not real comfortable talking about it just now." Then I'd turn the tables on them and ask questions about THEM to draw the attention away from myself and to let them know I still want to be friends, even if I don't want to talk about certain things. People naturally love to talk about themselves. You may be new to them, but they're all new to you, too, so you might as well get to know THEM. I don't know if this helps at all, but good luck!

I would just go and be friendly with everyone. Most people will probably ask you where your from or what brought you to the area. What you do for a living or for school. If you are married or have any other children. These are all just normal questions anyone would ask in trying to get to know you. Try not to focus your conversations around the baby or your plans for him/her. Many woman find that when they are pregnant all their conversations with others tend to be about the baby and many new mothers find the same to be true. They themselves kinda get lost or forgotten. I think since you are thinking about placing the baby...it would be more important to try and have others get to know you as a person first. Your going to need a lot of help and support from your new friends as you go through these next few months and years. But building a good friendship where people really get to know you FIRST I think will really help you. That way....even after the baby is born things still won't always be focused on the baby. That way you can develope those close friendships with others and feel comfortable to share with a select few all that you are going through.

I can understand why you would be nervous. My guess is that you will probably get asked the basic questions such as are you new, are you married, any other kids, and where are you from. I don't think you will have any many other more "personal" questions than that. I would just smile and give a yes or no to those basic questions and then divert thier attention by asking them questions about themselves!!! Like the other posters said people love to talk about themselves and will gladly share haha! Also an idea would be to introduce your self to the Bishop and Relief Society president and if you are comfortable share your situation with them so you can get some support. But I must say I think is is great that you are going back to church. Im sure it will be a little uncomfortble at first but I bet in a few weeks you will meet new friends and feel at home and maybe even find someone that you can lean on! Hang in there and be sure and let us all know how it goes! Good Luck!!!

Just wondering how things went for you. Hope you post again soon.

Hey ya'll, thanks for all the advice. If you have anymore ideas feel free to keep 'em coming!Neways, church went allright! I was a bit suprised at the noise level in sacrament though... I could barely hear the speaker! Sunday school was fine, but Relief Society was... depressing. NO one brought up the baby thing. Perhaps I feel more pregnant than I look? Of course this being my first sunday they wouldnt know if my belly was a pregnant belly, or an "i really need to do some sit-ups" belly. LOL I think it might have been depressing though because no one sat near me... literally there were 3-4 chairs on either side of me, and the rest of the room was packed! I know its nothing personal... its probably my hormones making things seem more drastic than they are. What was really a shock, was the babies. Believe it or not, this sunday was the first time since before I got pregnant that i've seen an infant! There was a mom a few rows ahead of me with a baby boy... and I almost started crying just looking at him. I couldnt help thinking "will my baby look like that" and running over all the things I wont get to do with him... dress him up for church, have people fawn over me and want to hold him (admit it, we all love that).... it just makes me jealous of the couple who's adopting him!Neways, overall church was fine. I'm sure eventually the baby questions will come... and all too soon. By the way, the Bishop and RS pres know about my situation... I talked to the bishop last Wednesday b/c he has to authorize my counseling, and the RS pres b/c she's setting up rides to my doctors appointments since I dont have a car. Well, hope all is going well with ya'll.... again, let me know if you have anymore ideas on what to say to the baby questions. Thanks!

Hi, Fairydust-- I'm not LDS, but your questions stood out for me because not too long ago I watched a program on satellite where LDS birthmothers discussed their process, support, etc in the days leading to the adoption of their children, and how things went following the adoption. It was on the LDS satellite channel, so I don't know if it was a program put out by the church?? Might be something to look into. If I can research and find a little more information I'll pop back in to let you know. also, I wonder if your Bishop knows others in your church who have gone through similar things that might be willing to give you a call and just talk through how things went for them and how they dealt with disclosure. Best of luck!

I think the program I saw was on BYU tv.

Hi Fairy Dust: I was thinking of you yesterday and hoping that all went OK for you. It is hard to be the new gal in Relief Society. People tend to get in their comfort zones with who they sit by and all that jazz. Luckily I am in Primary so I don't have to deal with all that hahaha! I get to sit with the kids which is the best! Anyhow, I'm glad you are getting help with rides to your apts. that is one great thing about the church is the support you get from fellow members. I can completley understand the sadness you felt in Relief SOciety. I also have a hard time each SUnday watching all the Moms with their babies and wishing that it were me holding the babies. I'm glad I have met you and I hope that you are able to get the support you need. If you ever need to talk let me know! Glad to hear that overall things went good! In the mean time I will be thinking of some more comebacks. I am the queen of jokes myself and am forever making jokes when it comes to myself and touchy questions ha! Hang in there!!!

Hello..I thought I'd jump in here and offer some of my thoughts. I can totally sympathize with the 3 seats on either side of you situation. I had almost the exact same experience. It is a little intimidating. But as I got more used to my new ward and the people in it, I felt a little more comfortable sitting by people and striking up conversations. I am kind of shy at first, so it was so scary to talk to people and it is a lot easier if they sit by you and make you feel welcome. I agree with Kara....people just get used to sitting by certain people. After reading your post, Fairydust, I started thinking about a new girl who moved into our ward and that I need to try and sit by her next Sunday so she doesn't go through the same experience I did. I hope you get the support you need....and I am sending good thoughts your way.

You mentioned how far along you are (29 weeks), but didn't mention how old you are. Sometimes, as "first" mothers, we only relate to the pregnancy and not to ourselves and our needs. I was in the same situation you are in, but it was a long time ago. I agree, it is awkward knowing what to say in response to the inevitable questions you will be asked. One thing is for sure...you need to learn to take care of yourself and your needs. The next time you are at RS, choose someone who looks friendly and go sit next to them...(I preferred sitting with the older women)...don't wait for someone to sit next to you, just take the initiative. If things are getting started and you find yourself sitting alone, get up and move closer in. Feel free to send me a message, if you want. Like I said, I've been there. Best wishes, Susan

Hi Fairy Dust, How are things going in your new ward? When we adopted our little girl who years ago, I was so impressed by how the sisters in our birth mother's ward treated her. Their family had been upfront about the pregnancy and the adoption plan and her ward was SO supportive. Different wards are different and her particular ward had a lot of people who had been on both sides of adoption. I would recommend doing whatever you can to let the sisters in your ward help and support you. It was actually attending RS with our birthmother before the baby was born that made us feel like it was okay to be happy and excited in front of our birth mom when we knew how hard things would be for her...that was all from seeing how well everyone in her ward treated her. They came up to both of us and congratulated both of us and it really helped. Also, I don't know what kind of adoption you're looking for, but I would encourage looking for a couple who's willing to have an open relationship if you think you can handle it. I know that helped our birthmom feel a lot better, especially in the months after our daughter was born. That has also helped the birth mom and birth dad we've just been matched with feel a lot better about the whole situation. Good luck!

Hello there. I was wondering how your situation has been going and how you have been handling the questions now. It definitely can be tricky to know what to say to people at times, even though they do mean the best, they are not always aware of people's situations. I think if it were me, knowing my nature, I would be upfront about the situation and answer the easy questions like when the baby is due, etc just with the answer. However, if you are in a situation where they are asking about after the baby is born, I would tell them that you are in the process of making an adoption plan. It is so wonderful that you are making this decision. How far along are you in the process? This is a decision that I know will bless the lives of a family more than you can ever imagine. I hope all is well and that you are finding that going back to church is bringing you the strength and support you need. Hope to hear from you soon!