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[FONT="Garamond"][/FONT]Greetings,
Here's something I struggle with, in my heart and mind. I am a birthmother, gave my child to adoption when he was 2 yrs. old. Love him always(which is why I did it, like lots of bmoms), he's 27 now. When you give your child away, do you have the right to the word "daughter" or "son", as in "my daughter" or "my son"? The "my" is part of it...I would appreciate others thoughts, I've learned much here. THANKS
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Hmmmm. My birthmother calls me "her daughter" and has since we met two years ago. Even my amom, who is having a hard time with us being reunited, pointed out to me when I was feeling guilty, "You ARE her daughter, you know." In my mind, you are definitely entitled to refer to your son as "your son". Assuming he is comfortable with that? After all, you ARE his mother :)
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Forgive me for being blunt, but you carried him for 9 months, you gave birth, he was a boy, therefor he's your son. I always have and always will refer to the baby I placed as My Daughter, whether or not I ever reunite with her, just as I always have and always will consider myself to be my b-mom's Daughter, and will whether or not I reunite with her. By chosing adoption over abortion, you earned the right to call him your son. He just happens to have another mother who also calls him her son.
I suppose you could say "Our son" and leave people to presume what they will, but I think you can call him anything you wish while you are on your own, but if he is present it should be something he is comfortable with. He's 27 - old enough to decide what he wants to be called - a title that defines his role in your life. Ask him?
You know I am sure that there are many questions like this that pop up in reunions. I would urge you not to pre-guess or assume - ask. It's the only way of receiving a sure answer and it's a way of building up trust. By asking his advice you are showing respect for him as a person.
Just my 2c worth. Read it back and it sounded like a lecture. Sorry - not what I intended but now I'm out of time so will leave it as said.
Thinking of you - reunion is fun but there are quite a few potholes along the way.
Ann
I also had to think about that especially after our reunion so I asked G what he was most comfortable with when being referred to - as my son, my bson or just G
His answer - he's happy with 'my son' if I'm happy with that (jeez, I was over the moon!).
Now, I refer to him as 'my son' and he refers to me as his birthmum and both of us are comfortable with that.
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I am married to an adoptee , and I am a stepmom to his 14 yr old whom I have raised for 13 yrs , P the stepson will tell you I am his mother , the woman who gave birth to him is his "Baby Donar" , My husband also sees his Bmom this way not to be mean or disrespectful to birthmoms but you are simply a baby donar , you didnt wipe away tears, or wake up in the middle of the night to nightmares and rock them back to sleep there is alot more to being a parent then just giving birth and having the right to call a child "My Child" and you did none of that you simply gave birth and chose to not be a mommy,mom, mother or any of those titles. I dont think if I had given a child up for adoption I would have the right to call them mine .
Onlythlonley...wow...i detect a lot of hurt surrounding your family and your son's mom. because your post is very hurtful. I am soooo glad you are not my bchild's amother. my bdaughter's amom would never - ever - say that about me. why are you not just grateful that you hav him in your life...why criticise hie mom?
ONLYTHLONLY
I am married to an adoptee , and I am a stepmom to his 14 yr old whom I have raised for 13 yrs , P the stepson will tell you I am his mother , the woman who gave birth to him is his "Baby Donar" , My husband also sees his Bmom this way not to be mean or disrespectful to birthmoms but you are simply a baby donar , you didnt wipe away tears, or wake up in the middle of the night to nightmares and rock them back to sleep there is alot more to being a parent then just giving birth and having the right to call a child "My Child" and you did none of that you simply gave birth and chose to not be a mommy,mom, mother or any of those titles. I dont think if I had given a child up for adoption I would have the right to call them mine .
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just an amom chiming in....I think you do. When I talk to my kids about their birthfamilies....I don't even say "your birthmom" I just say "your mom" or "mommy Sara"...and they know what I mean. I've made sure my children love and appreciate their first PARENTS...b/c that is what they are....so I guess the reverse would be true as well, they have sons and daughters that happen to reside with me...as my son and daughter, too. I think that even if they grow up and choose to not have a relationship with their birthfamily(we are all closed adoptions for various reasons), it doesn't make them any less family.
I, myself, am not adopted but I have a wonderful family that includeds many members that are not biological. My father's best friend has helped raise me since I was 6 months old. He refers to me as his daughter. I have friends that are very dear to me and my children call them 'aunt' or 'uncle'.
I guess what I am trying to get at is this, you don't have to share blood to be a family, you have to share love. And you shared the love of your son with another. I think that gives you every right to refer to him as your son.
Now, using that when speaking with him is a little different. You have to respect his wishes. But it is no different than any other family situation. I have a son now that hates for me to call him "Boo" (he's nine). I have to respect that and call him what he wants to be called.
I know I babbled a little. I hope this makes sense. By the way, thanks to amom for "chiming in". I know it made me feel good to know that there are amoms out there that do feel that was.
Thanks Zzetta, you know over the years I've "adopted" people also, created my family as I've gone. Dear wonderful people who I feel sucha strong kinship with. Poeple I want to stick by when it's bad and laugh with when it's good. I've not had much good experience with that whole blood is thicker than water thing, it mostly wasn't true for me.
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you don't have to share blood to be a family, you have to share love. And you shared the love of your son with another. I think that gives you every right to refer to him as your son.