married adoptees - how did you get the guts to get married

I am an adoptee and every relationship I had before I got married was awful and I have to say mostly because of me. I would push them away, don't know why. One boyfriend would ask me "Why are you doing this?" I didn't know Sometimes I even push my husband away, I really wish I didn't do it. He will sit for hours and we'll talk, now with all the emotions I'm going through with my bmom, he's so trying to understand. I was afraid to get married, thinking okay it's not going to work!!! (positive aren't I!!) well, we've been married 17 years.

i searched all over the web to find a site that would help me! i think i have finally found "the one". i've been dating my boyfriend (who was adopted) for the last 3 years. his parents are WONDERFUL people and he has never looked for his birth parents. he feels that it would be disrespectful. anyway....every time i bring up the subject of marriage. he freaks, closes up, becomes silent, dances around the subject and then we move on to another subject. the end. we get NO where. i asked him recently if he thought that i was "the one" ....does he "want to marry me". he said "i'm working on it" and explained that what he meant by that response was, that he is "working on answering that question". prior to us dating... he was engaged to another girl (who also happened to be adopted). they dated for 5 years. she decided that she couldn't wait any longer and moved away to another state. he then bought a ring and proposed to her. she said yes...they planned their wedding and then after 5 months, she gave back the ring and called off the wedding. he was devasted. he went to therapy and was very depressed for quite some time. he got thru it and is better for it now. however.........it seems that he is now doing the same thing to me. i have been wondering what it is that is holding him back from "taking the plunge" and it occurred to me that it might be stemming from the fact that he was adopted. fear of abandonment. abandoned at birth! abandoned by his ex-fiancee! i've just now realized that it isn't ME. it wasn't the EX. it's the real fears of being abandoned. will someone please tell me if i'm wrong. can anyone offer some advice on how to talk to him about this subject? do i even talk to him about it? do i walk away now? help! :) thanks, BHAM78

The fear of rejection which dominated my life meant I was so afraid of rejection that I could hardly start a relationship. I had some girl friends, but never serious. When I finally met Cindy and we dated for several years, it came to Christmas and I still couldn't get up the nerve to ask a question even though I felt I knew what her answer would be. So scared. So I borrowed my sister's engagement ring and wrapped it and gave it to her. So she never really had to answer that question. We've been married for 34 years. Adoption and its effects meant that I could never really open up to her. I went years this way. After our two wonderful children were born, I felt especially unloved. So I had an affair. ANYTHING to find someone who had time for me and cared. When that ended, I made my first search for my birthparents - I was 36. It led to the court's contacting my birthmother, who refused contact. 20 years later, when my adoptive parents had died, and my children had moved away, I again felt unloved. We had moved to a new city, new job - but had no time for each other. It happened again - an affair, and I renewed the search. Cindy and I are finally dealing with the issues of trust and love in our marriage, in counselling, and I am more diligently pursuing my birth origins again. I now know that the way I suppressed emotions all my life is what harmed our marriage, and I hope and pray that I will finally get to the source of my problems with relationships. Finding fellow adoptees has helped, knowing that the feelings I had which always made me feel like an outcast are common to us adoptees. My wife still doesn't quite understand it, but she's being supportive of my effort finally. Our counsellor told her that it takes a saint to be married to an adoptee - I think she's right!

As with many of you, I have failed at attempts to form meaningful and intimate relationships. Every time I got close to someone my fears and anxieties of abandonment came out and managed to drive the other away. In retrospect, my marriage was kind of a fluke in that I really had no prior romantic interest in this other person, so my anxieties never had a chance to get between us. Plus at the time we became engaged we had actually seen each other for maybe seven days in the previous three years. And we went directly from being friends to being engaged, never went on a date, never made love, no real personal background with this person I was intending to marry. It took me years to realize I really was unhappy in the marriage, and in some ways had only used it for the safety and security I wanted and needed. It was a comfortable place to be where I did not have to worry about driving someone else away with my anxieties and fears. When I finally divorced it was because I realized I never really loved this person. And only recently realized I never fully engaged emotionally or intimately in the marriage. So though I was married I was still a single person in thought and action so my anxieties about truly opening up to someone else and worrying about them leaving me never came out.

Ripples ~ you have made a good point - and your feelings are more than valid of why you have been afraid to get into a commitment with someone. For me, I have been in two serious relationships in the past - one of those I was actually engaged. I never had 'commitment' issues persay, but I think with both guys, I still never actually thought I was worthy enough of any man's love - so I would push them both away. On top of that, they and I were both immature and only kids - so more or less, I was settling for less than the best. I didn't feel a connection with either guy - and I was really the complete opposite of my exfiance. He ended up cheating on me during most of our relationship - and also had the guts to ask for my parents' blessing while doing his business on the side. I will admit, I wasn't the best girlfriend, or had the best state of mind. I did constantly treat him like a jerk, and was pretty careless in some of the things I would say to him. But he happened to be some guy that came along in my life at the time, and I simply settled. Now I am currently in a LDR with man from England, and definitely in love. Relationships are definitely not easy - especially if there are inner struggles/issues one needs to understand about themselves and work through. Don't blame yourself of course - a lot of it's about the right time, place and fate coming into play which will lead you meet the person that was meant for you and truly knows who you are. :)

I've been married 22 years now(since i was 17) even though I had all the trust and abandonment issues I think the reason I didn't let them hold me back was this: SCREW THEM! I REFUSE to be the same, do the same...as the bparents. I will make it my mission in life to get married and THEN have children and love them all their whole lives! I will prove not only to myself but the whole world that I am not like them. I am capable of having a relationship and putting my children before my own selfish wants and needs. I proved that I would NEVER be the kind of person who could "give away" their own child. I wanted to make sure there wasn't a doubt in anyones mind that genetically that trait was never passed on. I'm sorry if this sounds bitter but it has made me a pretty darned good wife and mother.

Hi Tonya, I'm Jill Belina( ( also in my 40's) I was adopted as an infant. My parents lied to me for years. My parents divorced and both remarried. I was 13 and digging through my Mom's closet for something and found a book called You and Your Adopted Daughter. Then a few years later we went to court again and my step Dad adopted me my first Afather didn't even show up to court. My mom died 7 years ago and I didn't know if my Dad would continue the relationship with me. He has five biological children of his own. Plus he remarried. He did and we are still father and daughter..Plus 4 years ago I searched and Found my BMother and have sense meat my whole bio family on my Mother and Fathers side. I still feel unconnected. Meeting my bio family did not heal all the pain.. as I thought it would..I did help though! Talking about my losses and facing my fears is what helps...and I still struggle and search for myself often. I feel that most of my life is in the grey and not black or white the boundaries are different. I have been married for near 17 years happily and I have three children! It can be done! I think having trust issues is just a part of being adopted. We are suspicious by nature and we should be. We were hurt and traumatized often throughout out or lives. You have to face your fears or you will never find that happiness...It's the hardest thing ever because You feel like you will be over whelmed by your feelings..The fear is worse then the feelings..and the feelings can be a life line to finding out who you are and making peace with yourself...ACCEPTANCE! When I have my feeling of insecurity I usually talk to my husband about it or a close friend. You could journal about your feelings. You could do some thing with that fear...paint,hit a pillow..etc. I believe the fear is much worse if you can't face yourself and the fear just builds over time. YOU HAVE GREAT VALUE, YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE, AND NOT EVERYONE LEAVES...That is a fear, and a lie we tell ourselves and any experience we have even the slightest hint of abandonment feeds this fear for us and it becomes our identity! I think most of the time we just don't let anybody in...because they will find something is wrong with us and leave us. Remember your BMom can never give you up as an infant again...you have all ready been thought the worse part ,now it's time to grieve ( a process I think can take a life time) You can learn to live with the pain..just like living with a death. The pain never leaves completely, but it lessens when you allow yourself to feel... No pressure, just take it day by day and speak kindly to yourself about yourself. Remember you are LOVABLE AND WORTHY!! Being adopted does not mean we are lesser then anyone else or that we are defective...We are just different then most! Blessings, Jill:cheer:

AWESOME! Thanks for your words! Coping...How true is that. This is an area I really need to work on...funny I didn't realize that I needed to! LOL This web site is such an amazing blessing. I can scarcely believe how much my mind and heart are being grown and stretched!

I have read so many posts here of people who are married and said that their husband is their "rock". Right now I am 24 and was recently found by my bmom. I have been in a relationship with someone who is the love of my life. He is my best friend, my confidant, and everything you could ask for in a person. He has been so supportive of everything, he even has been reading books about adoption to get a better idea of how I am feeling. But for some reason I still do not have the ability to rely on anyone other than myself. I always feel the need to control everything, and I tend to dominate the relationships I am in. This time, though, I don't want to mess it up. I wish I knew how to let go of these feelings and just be happy. Can't seem to push myself out of this baggage that is holding me back.

Hi Ripples, Dont give up! Keep searching your heart and you will find your way. It's funny we can hear from, friends,family, and counselors what we need to do but only we can decide to do it to take the chance and face our fears...and us adoptees have a lot of fears. Being adopted, going through parents divorceing and moving all the time would make everything in life feel temporary. Everything changes nothing ever stays the same. You need to find stability with in yourself. Being married has help me feel more stable in my life. It takes a long time to develope a relationship that makes you comfortable to trust some one enough to share the deepest you. I think I will always struggle with trust and fear of being left. We have already be left and we survived. We learned to love, now we just need to believe that we are like everyone else in that we are loveable to. There are not garentees that our marriages will work out...if it doesn't you will be ok. Don't give up before you have started, give yourself the chance to be happy. I have been married happly for 17 years now. We work on our marriage and ourselves. Marriage a good marriage is a process and it changes all the time too because we change. I understand wanting to control it's safer and we can trust ourselves more then other people...it is a huge effort to try to control everything and guess what it never works no matter how hard we try we can not make others do what we want them to do. You will find great freedom in giving up control it's a little scary at first but it eventually feels wonderful. When we can except ourselves and our imperfections we can except others and connect with them....yes, connect...and adoptees big's fear is to be connected because we go through so much of our lives feeling disconnected. I'm glad you are "soul searching" You will find your way! And being 40 or mid 40's you still have lots of time... ! Don't be to hard on yourself. Know that you are not alone we all share your fears. Marriage is a special gift. Some of the things me and my husband do is date night once a week we go out on a date, We have couch time...that is when he gets home from work we sit down and take 15 minutes at least to just talk about our days. We try never to go to bed angry. We go to marriage builder classes at church we they are offered. We have learned over the years to pick our battles. Believe it or not you learn how to fight more fairly and you know when to let it go for awhile and then come back to your argument when you both have had more time to think things over... some times we agree to disagree, In time Marriage deepens and improve if you stay together and work things out...but it does take work. Marriage is not a 50 50 deal. The numbers changes all time. Sometimes one person has to carry more then the other. Marriage is not always fair...which is a good thing because their will be times in your life when you need someone else to help carry you. We take time for romance,friends,family, and ourselves! It's our commitment to one and other that gives us the freedom to be who we are the good and the bad sometimes. There is a beauty in exceptance of your true self and your spouce will see the true you like no one else! LOL I also think that when you come across the right person it is easier to make that commitment. You have time, keep digging and you will work through all these uncertainties. You have all you need inside of you! Jill

Hi Ripples, Dont give up! Keep searching your heart and you will find your way. It's funny we can hear from, friends,family, and counselors what we need to do but only we can decide to do it to take the chance and face our fears...and us adoptees have a lot of fears. Being adopted, going through parents divorceing and moving all the time would make everything in life feel temporary. Everything changes nothing ever stays the same. You need to find stability with in yourself. Being married has help me feel more stable in my life. It takes a long time to develope a relationship that makes you comfortable to trust some one enough to share the deepest you. I think I will always struggle with trust and fear of being left. We have already be left and we survived. We learned to love, now we just need to believe that we are like everyone else in that we are loveable to. There are not garentees that our marriages will work out...if it doesn't you will be ok. Don't give up before you have started, give yourself the chance to be happy. I have been married happly for 17 years now. We work on our marriage and ourselves. Marriage a good marriage is a process and it changes all the time too because we change. I understand wanting to control it's safer and we can trust ourselves more then other people...it is a huge effort to try to control everything and guess what it never works no matter how hard we try we can not make others do what we want them to do. You will find great freedom in giving up control it's a little scary at first but it eventually feels wonderful. When we can except ourselves and our imperfections we can except others and connect with them....yes, connect...and adoptees big's fear is to be connected because we go through so much of our lives feeling disconnected. I'm glad you are "soul searching" You will find your way! And being 40 or mid 40's you still have lots of time... ! Don't be to hard on yourself. Know that you are not alone we all share your fears. Marriage is a special gift. Some of the things me and my husband do is date night once a week we go out on a date, We have couch time...that is when he gets home from work we sit down and take 15 minutes at least to just talk about our days. We try never to go to bed angry. We go to marriage builder classes at church we they are offered. We have learned over the years to pick our battles. Believe it or not you learn how to fight more fairly and you know when to let it go for awhile and then come back to your argument when you both have had more time to think things over... some times we agree to disagree, In time Marriage deepens and improve if you stay together and work things out...but it does take work. Marriage is not a 50 50 deal. The numbers changes all time. Sometimes one person has to carry more then the other. Marriage is not always fair...which is a good thing because their will be times in your life when you need someone else to help carry you. We take time for romance,friends,family, and ourselves! It's our commitment to one and other that gives us the freedom to be who we are the good and the bad sometimes. There is a beauty in exceptance of your true self and your spouce will see the true you like no one else! LOL I also think that when you come across the right person it is easier to make that commitment. You have time, keep digging and you will work through all these uncertainties. You have all you need inside of you! Jill

I'm not yet married, 11/11/2011. My fiancee and I are both adopted. He doesn't care about finding out any info but I do. We've been together for over 3 years and have had our share of issues. I still have some trust issues and the control problems too. 2 years I became seriously ill and he stayed when I know others would've ran. He has been my rock and best friend since we met. He's put up with everything and I couldn't be happier. Communication does a ton for these types of relationships. Good luck for all of us.

For me it wasn't guts that it took lol The first time was easy for me, and I blame it all on my aparents for uttering that never ever to be spoken phrase by parents: "You can never see that boy again" If they'd only invited him to dinner, I would have dumped him shortly after, instead becasue of that phrase, my defiant screw them anger led me to the altar at 15. After he died, the next two (who also died too young) asked, and I was still grieving, a little shocked that both of them asked me within a couple of months, and liked the idea of being so wanted and taken care of, so I said yes. The last one that I have been married to for 26 years in a couple of weeks, we did it the old fashioned way, he knocked me up...... :) and with my determination of not wanting to be like my mother, I found a shotgun and a $50 wedding ring and invited the Justice of the Peace over. It all happened in one day. I can't believe it happened 26 years ago.... time flies when you are trying so hard not to kill your best buddy! I wouldn't change a thing, I love the love and the struggle, it takes work and determination, I live for it.

Hello, I have been married for near 18yrs now! I'm 43 yrs old with three children and I am Happy!! My marriage has been such a blessing in my life. Trust takes time as the years pass my trust and comfort with my spouce and myself deepen's. People will let you down sometimes and nothing stays the same. I would rather take the chance and love then live a life that is empty and full of fear. Sometimes you win and some times you don't. But you will learn something about yourself everytime you open your heart and chose love...it's a choice more then an emotion. There are times when I don't feel a lot of love toward my spouce but I chose to love him anyway it's because of who I am and who I chose to be. Plus my spouse is easy to love even with his flaws! ( we won't mention mine) LOL I hope you find this message encouraging! Not everyone leaves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And you are loveable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jill

Very true, I acted like a single married person and sometimes struggle with that. I guess I got so used to looking out after me because no one else would. ( of course that was an incorrect view) So I it took me a while to build up the trust and share myself...there were times I didn't even know myself enough to share...My husband helped me name my feeling and was patient. Connection can take time but is well worth the effort. Don't give up! Don't close down!! I feel like I have spendt so much of my yought and part of my adult life trying to be what eveyone wanted me to be....now I'm just me good and bad and relationships are give and take, not all give, and not all take. I won't loose myself again! Your awarness is inspiring to me and is a profound truth! Thanks for your post.