I need advice

Forgive me, but how is a birthday card and a gift too much contact? Am I missing something?

A birthday card/gift could be too much contact depending on the need for security with the bfamily. I would send her a short not explaining that you are no longer interested in maintaining contact due to _______. In the letter, politely explain that any further correspondence from her will be returned unopened.

She does not know our location. If we had cashed the checks then she would have known our location. Also the birthday cards were signed by the entire family, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. My kids have NOT had contact with their birth family

hi,are these your foster children?or have you adopted them?alot depends on the status.nanab

I would say that if you are not legally bound (open adoption agreement or court order) to maintain contact, then you should not feel obligated to respond to cards or letters. BUT, rather than send everything back, you might keep it until your children are older or of an age where it is appropriate that they receive these letters.

I can understand not wanting to cash the check. But how would them writing or signing their names to a card be harmful to your son? Even if they have never met him? If anything it could show him how much he is loved. Just because he was adopted doesn't mean his first family just dissapears and never existed. Could you just save the letters to give to him at a time when you do feel he is ready to receive them? I'd first figure out what you feel is best for your child and your family.....not only looking at the here and now but the future as he grows older and begins to have a lot more questions regarding adoption or wether his first family loved him. I'm sure even just that little card with all those signatures would give him some of those answers and allow him to feel loved, it could do wonders for his self esteem...sometime when he really needs it. It's a big decision to completely remove someone from your childs life. Especially when those people are connected to him in such a powerful way. You also have to consider how your son might feel someday....knowing you turned them away. Obviously it's your choice because you are his Mom. I've been faced with that choice many times as well...but as long as you really consider your reasons for doing so your son will understand either way. He may not agree but he will hopefully understand and respect why you made that choice for him.

Very well said. I agree 100%.

No we never fostered, we went straight to adoption. We are not legally bound by the court to do anything. Their mom lost all rights and the dad abandoned them. I have kept the letters and cards. They are in the kid's life books so they can have them later. The first few letters I showed them but it upset the little one so badly I started putting them up. Mom is on drugs and has absolutely no rights.

I adopted 6 children from 3 families, and have some form of contact with them all (NOT required). I keep the letters and cards for when the children are older, and show the kids only the pictures. Could you start up a savings account in the next town? To send the child a check is an act of love and acceptance. I would start up a college savings fund, and put the check(s) in there. If it's in a different town (maybe the same town as the PO box?), then the issue of the birth parents finding out where you live is a non-issue. Another option would be to save the check (uncashed) as a momento. However, depending upon the amount, when your child is older they may wonder why you never cashed it. Your obligation is NOT to the birth family. However, you do have an obligation to the child. I want to keep tabs on my 3 birth families so my children won't have to go on a talkshow when they are older in order to find their birth family. I want to be able to tell them everything I know about their birth family - positives as well as negatives. If you feel threatened by the birth family, then I would def. be careful. It's a tough decision only you can make - you are the one living it, not anyone else! Hope I helped.