Call for Questions: Birth Mothers and Adoptive Mothers Please Read

Right now, at age three, the hardest issue regarding questions that we're having is Munchkin processing who Josh is to her: not her biological (birth) father but someone who loves her as a father all the same. She tried to test out the name "Daddy" on him and we had to explain that, yes, I am her birth mommy, and yes, Nicholas is her brother, and yes, Josh is Nick's Daddy, but Josh is not her birth daddy. We're still trying to figure out a proper title for Josh (who does not endear himself to the title of step-father due to poor relations in his own family).The question that I most dread being asked varies from time to time. I think I can handle being asked the why's of placement. But I fear the questions the relate to love, because I am hoping to make it known by actions AND words that I have always loved her... so I am afraid of the question, "Didn't you love me enough to keep me," because I DO love her so much. (Then logical side kicks in and says, "Jenna, that should be the single easiest question ever," but it's more of an emotional level than a logical level.) I also fear the, "Did you love Nicholas more and that's why you parented him?" Again, it's a simple answer of no: I love them both equally, in different ways. But I still fear it on that emotional level.Hope those were coherent enough for you. :)

The "why" question (and it's associated sub questions or additional questions or whatever you want to call them) is my worst fear (though honestly, she's not yet 6 months so the barrage of questions is a bit in the future).There was some bad pressure and influence placed and I honestly feel that I didn't make the choice I should have and that there were factors that... aren't cool so to speak. But at the same time I don't believe I put her in a bad situation. The wording there is complex, but that's a side point...My issue is that despite whatever feelings I have about actions that family members took, I don't want to entangle her in the dispute. I don't want her to feel stuck in a war zone between us and other family members. But at the same time I've got a level where I feel that there needs to be some honesty, and a lot of answers that "could work" don't seem honest to me. So I'm still trying to come up with the right balance of truth versus comfort?If you note, words are tripping me up, and they occasionally do that, especially more and more about our adoption situation.I guess I'm hoping to avoid the question, which isn't made easier when the adoptive family has ask me to write a Letter answering just that question.I'm not sure if that made alot of sense...

One was more of a statement. Said with a touch of sadness/whistfullness. "I would be a different person if I had been raised in your family." And, yes, I acknowledged it. I told him that he would have been. My son, at one point, grieved who he did not become because I did not raise him. At three, he also made another statement. We were talking about his birth. He was relating the story to me. He said "Then we left the hospital and I went home with my mom and dad. You must have been very sad." "Why did you keep her and not me?" He never asked though. My daughter that I am raising has asked some heartbreaking questions. With tears in her eyes she has asked "If Matt is my brother why can'y he be with us all the time?"

When Matt was three Clemens, my husband, and I went to Matt's pre-school open house where he was proud to introduce me to his pre-school teacher as his "birthmom". He them pointed to Clemens and said, "This is my... this is um... our German!" (Clemens was born and raised in Germany.) It was hysterical. Help her find a qualifier. It doesn't have to be traditional.

LOL. :) That just made my day. Thanks, Brenda. We'll all talk about it at the next visit.

Opal, I just wanted to ask whether you WANT to write that letter or not. I (an a mom) asked my DD's birth mom to do that as well. Maybe it's a copout, but honestly I'm not fully sure myself of her reasons for placing (I think there were a number of reasons). My DD's birth mom says she has written it many, many times but I guess it just hasn't been "right." Maybe a letter isn't a great idea anyway (???). Anyway, my biggest fear is my DD asking me about why her birth mom got pregnant soon after DD was born and why she and her birth dad were able to parent that child (DD also has an older sister parented by her birth parents). (I'm hoping that evertyhing just seems "OK" to her, even this fact.)

Loveajax, that's a complex issue that I'm not sure I can answer without hijacking Brandi's thread... The best I can say is that I would like to be able to write it because then that means I would have an answer, but I've got to find the words first which is a big issue. I'd like her to have a letter with my words (for when I'm not around). I'm just not sure how to say what I have to say...

[FONT="Century Gothic"]I answered in the other thread but I agree with you Opal it is the WHY? The whole series of why questions. Why wasn't I good enough? etc.. I have never written a letter to J and agave to L. I won't do that. I have a journal for J in it I wrote everything. A letter won't explain to her everything and the whole situation. I don't feel the need to put "closure" on something that hasn't closed. But then again that is just my own opinion.[/FONT]

Thank you Opal and Landh...didn't mean to hijack here, so I started a thread about this in "Living in an Open Adoption." I really appreciate your insights....

During one of my sister's visits with my birthdaughter, a neighbor saw them playing together and said to P, "Oh, I see you have a friend over!" P responded, "Her not my friend...her my...um, uh, her my All Time Friend." Later she learned the term "BirthAunt" and she uses that sometimes, but also uses all time friend too.

Oops, I forgot the questions part of this thread. I answered on another thread with the same topic, but I think this is an interesting thread, so wanted to answer here, too. The most difficult question I have had to answer was when P asked, "What would have happened to me when I was born if you couldn't have found someone to take care of me?" The question came out of nowhere and took me by surprise, so...I stalled. While I was frantically trying to think of an answer to her actual question, I said, "Well, when I was pregnant with you, there were lots and lots of people who wanted to take care of you and have you as their little girl. I picked your mom and dad because I really like them and I thought they would be the best mom and dad for you." At this point, I figured out the rest of the answer to her question and said, "But, if I couldn't have found someone to take care of you, I would have kept you with me and would have loved you just as much as I do now." Man, I sure was proud of myself that day...

Actually, I don't see anything wrong with having your own German... I think it is cute... something else when the child is older, but for... our German is ok.. Hugs

All I can say is, after 21 years together, I more than glad he's our German.

Honestly my son hasn't asked any questions. At least none that I know of. He just turned 7. However, I dread him asking why we placed him, since we have gone on to get married and will have other biological children (I hope).

As an adoptive mother the one question I dread most from Castle is why her birthfather is not involved in her life. He does not want any contact what so ever. Also, he is autistic so I am sure there will be questions about that also. I just hope that we are able to give her the love and support she needs to be comfortable with his absence in her life.