What do you do . . . ???

Tracey,I am the child of older parents. I also have 2 brothers that were teenagers when I was born. For me this is just how my life was, I didn't find anything strange about it. Most of my friends had young moms and the thing I remember most is that they felt the need to compete with their cute, young moms. My mom was just that, my mom. No competition, no need to feel like we were best girlfriends, just a mother-daughter relationship. This is probably why I don't feel the least bit odd bringing a new baby into our family at our age even adding in the factor of 4 grown kids. For me it's normal. I only had one set of grandparents growing up. My grandfather (who I was closest to) died when I was 22 and my grandmother lived to be 93 so I did have the benefit of having grandparents although they did live in another state. Our new daughter will have one set of grandparents (DH's parents) but they are pretty much the hands off type so she won't be around them that much. What she will lack in the older generation will be more than made up by her siblings. Even though there is a significant age gap they all plan to be very active in her life. For me that too is normal as I was closest to my oldest brother and there was a 16 year gap in our ages. We were best buds until he passed away a couple of years ago. As for that screaming toddler you have running around inside you, don't get rid of her completely. I, for one, have always refused to grow up completely and I dearly love my inner child, tantrums and all.Lucinda:flowergift:

Tracey - yes, and yes. In fact, within my family it has also been a generational "thing". My family "legacy" is that of waiting until older to have children, as far back as I can trace. I had one grandmother who died when I was about 6 - and she had alzheimers for years before that. I still remember her and miss her. I wish I could have had much more time with her. My sweet Mom seemed ancient compared to my friend's Moms. She was not young and cute and all that. And she had two more 8 years later. My brother and I have talked about this at length. He is the youngest and Mom's age impacted him even more. I did not want to pass along to my child the missed opportunities of grandparents. I do not want to be old and "frumpy" like I saw my Mom as being. History is already repeating itself generationally with me. My son will not grow up with his grandparents being around for very long. He lost one before he was born, and he now has two elderly grandparents who likely will not live out the year. And then I ask myself, "What is the alternative?" Do I deny a child the love and family we have to offer because I don't want him to have to grow up without grandparents and with a frumpy Mom? (OK - I'm not TOO frumpy - but I can't get that image out of my head). Do I deny myself and my husband the joys of a sweet child because my body would not give me children at a younger age? I look at the young, cute Moms and wish I had their LOOKS - but then I do NOT wish to have their young minds. (I am going to post a thread in a minute to address a similar issue.) Tracey - I HAVE broken some of the negative generational cycles - the important ones. AND I could not have done that if I had been a younger Mom. It is in how you view it: Is late parenting a negative cycle? IMO - NO! Not if what you are doing is loving and raising a child and giving that child a great family - even without grandparents. History is already repeating itself with me - but I'll be darned if I will let that deny a child of a wonderful family and deny a wonderful family of a child. History is just that - the PAST. NOW is the present and I can do nothing about my infertility, etc. I can do nothing about being older. But I will not let that stop me from the joys of motherhood and from providing a loving family for a sweet child. How did older parents and no grandparents affect my views on being an older parent? I questioned. I searched within myself. And AFTER I became a parent I knew I had done the right thing. Older parenting is a negative only if I let that stop me from becoming one. I hope this helps. It is just my experience. Read Josie's post again - she makes insight into the murky waters of questioning ourselves. Keep us posted Sweetie - we are rooting for you!

The bottom line, Tracey, is that YOU have been given the gift of living your own life, it's yours to make what you will of it. Only YOU can decide what is right for you. What each of us say on this board is our own personal experience. So take some time to consider what "quality of life" you are looking for and whether it includes children or not. You have that right. A higher power saw fit to give it to you. And blessings from me to you.

I, too, had older parents. My mom was only 34 when I was born but my dad was 47. I worried alot about him dying when I was child but he was a great and energetic dad. He died at 85 so I worried needlessly. I grew up only knowing my grandmothers and fortunately they lived to be 96 and 100. I'm counting on those genes for my mom. Sometimes I "feel" too old at 41 to be the mother of a 3yo and twin 2 yo's but I also know that I'm a much better mom now than I ever would have been if I'd started 10 or 15 years ago. I'm fortunate to have financial stability and a fantastic energetic 52 yo dh that I didn't have then. I've been asked if I'm grandma and I don't really fit in with the other parents at preschool or playgroups. But it's not just my "age" it's also what I'm interested in and what my priorities are. I'm also lucky in that my older sister's daughter was born smack dab in the middle of my girls so we've been doing the baby thing together while our brother's kids are going to college and high school. I can't imagine my life without my girls. I do worry about whether we'll still be healthy/able to work when we have to pay for college and I absolutely want to know my grandchildren so I'm determined to stay young and healthy for as long as I possibly can. This has been a bit of a ramble (sorry) but I just wanted to toss in a word so you know you're not alone with your worries. We decided to throw all caution to the wind and enter this new thing called parenthood, and we're loving it!

Hi Tracey..... 40+ is NOT TOO OLD!!! Give yourself and other 40+'ers a break :) I never found my prince charming, found out that I could not have children when I was 32, and found my Darling Daughter in Russia when I was 42! I had looked into int'l adoption 3 years prior, and for one reason or another, it never worked out. Out of the blue, my sister receives a phone call from a stranger. This woman had heard of my sister's work with foreign exchange H.S. students, and thought that maybe she and her family would like to host a Russian Orphan for 2 weeks in the summer. After 3 phone calls (in less then 2 hours), her and her husband (and children) agreed that they would, and she asked how Russia felt about single women hosting a possible adopting? They did not have a problem with this. By 4PM that day, I was faxing all of the signed paperwork to host myself!! Alot of friends/acquaintences thought I was nuts.... good career, in my 40's (could go and do anything, blah, blah, blah), you don't "know what you are getting" (the comment that irked me the most), etc. I simply said that I have wanted this my whole life! I have to tell you, that finding and bringing my DD home is the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT thing that I have ever done in my life. Now at 44, if I could financially afford it (still single), I would adopt again, but I do not want to strap us, and my DD still needs my undivided attention. Put thoses thoughts out of your mind. If you truly want to add to your family..... AGE does not matter. My DD keeps me moving and 'young'!

Well, I'd like to be younger too, and more handsome, with more hair, and wealthier, and taller... I think you get the idea. We can't change a lot of things about ourselves, we can only change how we think about those things. That is, of course, much easier said than done. Eventually, I guess I just came to the conclusion that there wasn't any point in me considering whether or not it would be "better" to be younger, because all other things being equal, of course it would. However, all other things aren't equal, and what I've lost in youthfuless, I've gained in many other ways. I grew up with foster parents that were a good 15 or 20 years older than the average parents of my school mates. There were times when it was awkward, but as someone else said, kids will always have some reason to find fault with their parents, and age is a good excuse. It really wasn't until I was older that I was able to realize the benefits I got from them being older. As a kid, all I cared about was that they looked different. Eventually I realized not only that looks didn't amount to much, but that most other kids' parents weren't fashion models either. And while it's true that I didn't know my grandparents well, or for long, they weren't my only family. What I lost in grandparents, I made up for in aunts and uncles. Would you, instead, wish for them to experience some of the things some of my friends with younger parents experienced, like family fights, divorces, financial instability, multiple moves, constant job changes, low incomes, poor parenting skills, or parents who spent their time out partying instead of home with their kids? It's smart to take time to consider the "costs" to your children of being an older parent, but it's wise to also consider the benefits of being older, and the costs of being younger. We're a youth-obsessed culture, but ask any preschooler who's the most beautiful woman, or the best cook, or the strongest man, or the smartest person, and they'll all say it's their mom, or their dad. Eventually those kids grow up and realize that their parents are just regular people like the rest of us. Along the way, they learn to love them even if they aren't young and good looking.

that's A GREAT STORY!!! Thanks for sharing it. I got a lot from your signature. Sounds like it was definitely meant to be. That child is very lucky to have you also. I already KNOW you're lucky to have her. We have adopted 4 and am "over 40". They rock my world!!!!!!!!

Dear Tracey... You have a long way to go to old age by my reckoning. I woke up and realized at age 59 1/2 if I didn't start soon I would not have a family before I left this earth so I started the process then. Yes some things would go better if I were younger and yes I was raised by older parents and as a child resented that my Dad didn't play with me like the neighbors kids fathers did. So I got in better shape, adopted four teenagers and I am having a blast. Could have retired but would not have had near the fun I'm having with these great kids. Never realized that I needed them as much as they needed me. Nothing like having the old guy beat them at basketball or bowling, (they clean my clock in soccer!) and I know that I am a much better parent at 60 than I would have been at 30, 40 or 50 like some others have said, I'm mellow to the busted furniture, dents in the cars, damage to the house, and all of the other material things that I'm not to going take with me anyway. Although I'm not religious like some, I know that I was well prepared to meet the needs of these kids and not be hung up with so many of my own issues. And nothing I could have done in retirement could have made me feel like hearing my youngest tell me about his 10 years in the orphanage and ending with "then Pop you came and took me and now life is good." I've had plenty of comments about adopting at my age, adopting teenagers to boot, all to the effect that I must be crazy, but I've had the last laugh. Some great kids are giving me more positive energy in my life than I've had for years. Forget about making peace with your age, you'll be 43 next year whether you adopt or not. Sure you may have some moments when you ask yourself what was I thinking,... and about then you hear your son on the roof trying to get his airplane out of the tree (now with three shoes and a soccer ball stuck in the tree too) , or you'll be explaining that yes he has to go to school even though he gave himself a hickey on his upper lip sucking on a gatorade bottle while watching TV last night or you'll have one asking you where is a good place to hang out with his girl friend and you have to remind him that as a 60 year old batchler I'm clueless on that topic and you'll know it was worth it! My co-workers know by now that when I'm sitting smiling in another pointless meeting that I'm just thinking about one of my kids and some stunt they did or some experience we shared and that's what really matters. As my Doctor told me when he supplied my medical reference, he could not write a prescription as good as this would be for me. Pete, proud pop of four great kids

Tracy If being older has you worried about some of the issues with adopting a very young child, maybe consider adopting an older child. My situation could only work that way at my age but it has worked out very well. I do miss that fact that I could not be a part of my kids lives earlier but so be it, we'll catch up going forward. For kids like mine who were facing ageing out of the orphanage in a few years or months, now having the stability of a home for as long as I live (hopefully at least another decade) their lives are now on a totally different trajectory. And yes I have the sadness that there are no grandparents, only an uncle and aunt surviving, but that's still huge compared to what they had before the adoption. And worrying about them having some bad experiences like you may have had... Well each child is an individual and they came with their own lense to look at life. It is very wishful to think that even if you gave them an identical experience that was bad for you that it would affect them the same. I think you just have to prepare them to make their own choices and let them know that home is always safe and your love is unconditional and trust them to make the best of what you can provide.

Once again I want to say thank you for your support and encouragement. Lord knows I need it as I feel rather weary as our adoption saga continues to drag on and on. Can't say that we are not persistant, right? Singlemama2B and pnewcombe- wonderfully inspiring stories thank you for sharing your insights. JGarrick- another well written insightful post, thank you! I know that sometimes this forum grows rather quiet at times and I for one would really like to see that change. For those of you who have adopted and have realized your dream, please keep cheering on those of us who are still struggling to do so. Keep sharing your stories and continue to remind us that yes it can work out just fine if one adopts later in life. As Joe pointed out we live in a youth obsessed culture, so it's nice to have a way to connect with the more "mature and wiser" crowd. :cheer: :banana: Yeah for the 40 plus-ers! :banana: :cheer: Tracey

Just started reading this post. Hmmmm...I am 43 and dh is 46. Our first son was bio (miracle) at 40 and 43. We knew that we wanted other children. Not to be. We adopted our youngest at 41 and 44. We want to adopt again. All I want to say is that you are as young as you think you are. I still to this day cannot believe that I am the age that the birthcertificate says that I am...lol I am a big advocate for lots of laughter!!!!

Josie, I LOVE what you said!!! I will be 44 next week! Our youngest son will be 4 in September. We didn't bat an eye when we adopted him. I've always felt that age is just a number, you are as old as you feel. My age isn't stopping us from adopting more!! I would keep going forever! DH is the one stopping us! CREEP!!! LOL He says it's time for him now, WHATEVER!!! LOL I have to keep reminding him that it was HE who started the Family Bed!! I can't help it if they all still want to sleep in our bed! You, know, not to go off subject but, I think with co-sleeping becoming so popular & king size beds not being big enough, they need to make "Family Size" mattresses!!! LOL Anyway, don't let your age get in the way of having children! Remember, age is JUST A NUMBER! Deb

Let me pose a couple of new question to all of you. Did any of you have older parents? Did any of you have grandparents that died before you were born, or when you were little? If you answered yes to either of those quesitons, how has that affected your views on being an older parent? My mom was 39 when I was born, 42 for my younger sister. I have three older siblings and they were supposed to be "it". Surprise! While I was aware that my parents were older it never was a big deal. They were active and healthy and involved in our activites at least as much as younger parents. My mom said having us "kept her young". For me, having young children while in my 40's helps me think of myself as younger than I am. I do look younger as well, so maybe that helps, but I think it is mostly mental. I don't really see myself as that different from younger parents, except that I have a lot more experience, both in life and as a parent (because our bkids are 19 and 15). I only knew one grandparent, but would never have known my maternal grandmother regardless as she died when my mom was a child. Having our birthchildren in our 20's didn't guarantee them granparents, as my H's father also died young and his mother when the kids were little (of course, she was also an "older" mom.) Of course, I wish I had known my other grandparents, but that's life. As it is, my kids have little physical contact with my parents because we live 500 miles away, but they are still very close emotionally.

Happy to see this thread alive and kicking again ...I never had a grandfather, as both of mine died when my parents were children. I now live on the other side of the planet from my mother, so my little ones make due with my husband's parents. ("Make due" actually means "are spoiled rotten by".)As for adopting in your 40s, I was busy traveling the world and getting a new life then, so didn't get around to my second set of kids until I was 50+.I'm now looking down the barrel of 56 with a 4-year-old son and a daughter about to turn two in 8 days.Does it get any better than this? I don't think so!

For me... my mom was a very young (and immature) Mom. She had my sister the day before she turned 18, and me at 20. Her marriage fell apart when I was 2, and she tried her hardest, but she worked all of the time (2 and 3 jobs), and HAD to have a 'guy' around all of the time. My sister and I where 'fit in' between work and boyfriends. It was what it was, but now, she has soooo many regrets. She loves that I have me DD now, and sees (with me) how it would (maybe) been different if she had waited to have children until she was older. In her words.... she would have had more patiences, better job, got all of the partying out of the way, would have enjoyed being a mom more. Don't mis-understand me, this is the way my Mom feels. I lived it, and it was not easy or good alot of the time (welfare, used clothes, birthday presents bought with S&H Green Stamps (where there was enough), left alone (original Latch-Key Kids) ALOT at a young age, etc. But I tell her now, "Well, you did alot right also!" "Both "R" and I turned out good. She with a loving husband, stay at home with 3 children, etc. Me, a good career, and now a Mom - My dream come true!" I think it is ALL what YOU make of it. I had both grandparents until I was 8 years old. My dear sweet grandfather passed, BUT my wonderful Grandmother was the biggest part of my life for 37 years!!!! I only have one sibling, but several very, very close friends and thier families. DD refers to my 2 best friends as "Aunt xxxx" She always says to me.... "Mom, we have such a BIG family! We are very lucky!" Back to your original question.... I sometimes wish I was alittle bit younger, but I so know that this was "HIS" plan. With DD's learning difficuties, and issues, I know being older (not that old 44 now and she is 10), that I have a better head on my shoulders now. I can't even remember my life before DD came home (and that was only 2 years ago). She is my sunshine!