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My oldest is adopted, and she knows at this point that what that means is that we went to court to become a forever family and that she didn't grow in my tummy. The other day at her dance class, where there are 3 expectant mothers, I was explaining that they didn't have "big" tummies, but that there was a baby growing in there. I reminded her that she was adopted, and that she didn't grow in my tummy but in someone else's. Ok, she's 3 1/2 and I should have been prepared, but like a nut, I wasn't. Without thinking I told her Jennifer.
Here's the rest of the story. I am fostering her biological siblings (all the same bmom) and her name is Jennifer. I've told her that the kids are her brother and sister but I don't know if she has made the connections. She knows Jennifer and she knows that Jennifer is Bubba & Sissy's mommy. If she asks again...what do I tell her? What do I say if she does make the connection? Have I totally screwed up?
My DH and I have agreed that when she is ready, she will know all about being in foster care, and why her bmom's rights were terminated. We'll even help her find her bmom when she's ready, but at 3 1/2, I don't think she's ready for all of this information.
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I'd just wait until she asks, then tell her the truth (on her level). Don't be long-winded - she won't follow you.
I never "volunteer" information to my adopted children, but I never lie, either. I tell them the truth, and we talk about how G was in V's tummy; C, S & I were in J's tummy; and A & S were in C's tummy. The oldest ones still see their bio mom, and sometimes ask why they can't go live with her now (she's doing much better). I always put it onto the Judge - the Judge declared them to be our children now, and the Judge said that they have to live with us now.
that's usually enough for younger children. As they get older, you can tell them a little more - like he/she wasn't safe at home (temper, drugs, or whatever the story is). I tell my kids that although their bio mom loves/loved them very much, she couldn't keep them safe, so the Judge decided that they needed to live with us forever.
Hope this helps.
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Wow this sounds like a day out of my life! I had the same thing happen where I adopted one of my daughters from foster care, and a few years later I took in her biological siblings... it took her quite a while to realize that their mother was her mother! When she asked, I just gave her a simple answer. She didn't seem to want to know more, and she just said, "Okay. Well I don't know her so I don't miss her so that's how I like it." and she never brought it up again!
Good luck!
:~) Kelly
My son has done really well with the information I've given him. He knows he grew in "Melissa's" tummy, and that "Matthew" is his birthfather. And he knows that Matthew is in jail, which is like time-out for grown-ups.I think that the earlier we can give them the info, making sure that we give it in a non-judgemental way, the easier it is for them to incorporate it.
Truth is always best. As everyone else has suggested, don't go into detail. When she asks, you'll know what she's thinking and be able to give the appropriate information. One therapist suggested that we not say, 'Your bio mom couldn't take care of YOU' as this can lead to misunderstandings with young children. They tend to think, 'Oh, I was a difficult child. If only I'd been a better baby I could have stayed with her' or whatever. Rather, we should say 'Your bio mom could not take care of any child.'Also, just because kids don't bring it up doesn't mean they aren't thinking about it. Adults who knew they were adopted tell researchers that they thought about their bio families all the time. I've found this to be true with my adopted children. Sometimes they'll come up with a quick statement and all they expect from me is to listen. Sometimes they they have a specific question. Other times they tell me something they've been contemplating and we discuss what the facts are and how they fit in.My kids all know they were adopted (they range in age from 8 down to 1) and I'm always amazed at how each one is so different in how they process the info and what they want to discuss or not discuss. AND how that changes with each developmental stage of life. One of mine really, really wanted to know where his bio mom lived. I told him I didn't know. (I don't. She left, and no one knows where she went.) He told me HE knew where she was and he really, really wanted to go see her. He believed she lived 'next door' to his brother's foster family. We discussed how that wasn't so. I asked, 'Well, if we could go see her what do you want to do?' He said, 'I want to play at her house and have a snack. Then we could come home again.' He wanted a play day with her. I thought this was pretty interesting! He was about 5 at the time.
Barksum
Also, just because kids don't bring it up doesn't mean they aren't thinking about it.
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It is hard. My ason is 3 and his bio sis was with us for 11 months, then returned to bmom. That was a very difficult transition for him. Fast forward several months, and we brought home our new ason from Guatemala. The 3 year old was thrilled, but had all kinds of concerns and anxiety. He thought he would have to go live in Guatemala, that we would "swap." He is afraid the new baby will leave like his sister did, etc. It is so hard to help them understand!!!