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I am really struggling recently with all my emotions. I gave birth to my daughter one year ago, and since then I have had these floods of emotions coming back to haunt me from 6 years ago when I placed my first born son for an open adoption.
I have had ups and downs with my relationship with the adoptive parents, the a-mom is my aunts by marraige's cousin. At first she was so loving, gave me gifts, thanked me, let me babysit the kids even.
I was forced to move overseas with my mother soon after my son's birth because my mom said it would help me get over it, and since then have only been able to see my son when I can afford a ticket. I would usually call a couple times a year and keep in touch through emails. 2 years ago though a-mom sent me an email about how my son kept saying that he loved her. I was having a bad day and the last thing I wanted to hear was how much my son loved his a-mom. I was still bitter. I was happy he loved his new parents, but I thought she wrote that to me to piss me off or something. Well it did, and I replied to her asking her to not send those kind of emails anymore.
Instead, she sent nothing! I heard nothing from her for a year and a half until I finally wrote her a letter apologizing and asking for us to start off fresh again. I was heavily pregnant with my daughter at the time and I was finally feeling guilty for what I said.
She eventually emailed me back after I asked my mom to get in touch with her. Her email was cold and heartless, not like they used to be. She said it would take her a long time to heal and I will have to wait for contact.
I was livid! But I had no choice but to accept what she said.
Since then I have gone over to visit my son, it was a confusing and uncomfortable visit, only lasted 3 hours. Too many children (he has 4 sibling and my cousins were all there too) and I felt so uneasy. I didn't talk much and even forgot to give him his gift. He was too busy playing with all the children, we got no time together. He didn't know who I was. A-mom obviously didn't tell him who he was going to go see. A-mom seamed defensive and rude. She kept looking me up and down and asking me weird questions about how much money I was earning.
The visit was not what I wanted it to be, to say the least.
Since then I have not spoken to A-mom. I did write an email recently about how I hope that she says nice things about me to our son when he asks and how I hope he doesn't grow up to be bitter like some adopted children are. I asked her for us to start communicating more often to ensure our sons happiness. She wrote back saying that I will just have to accept what we have and that it sounds like I have a lot of healing to do, so when I am finished I can come back into their lives.
Because we signed an OPEN adoption agreement saying she would send pictures and an update twice a year, I replied saying that we should stick to this plan because I can no longer sit around waiting for emails from her. I wanted our relationship to be predictable. I don't think it's fair.
I have not hear back from her. I also sent her a link to an Open adoption handbook that I think we should both read, she still has not replied. It's been over a month now.
So finally I asked my mom to get involved. Then I find out, my mom and the a-mom have been having this secret relationship without me and they have been good friends talking all along! I was livid and my mom simply told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and accept that things take time. My mom said that a-mom will contact me in her own time and started making excusses for a-moms behaviour. It's like my mom is acting like she is the birthmom. My mom even went to visit my son without me 3 years ago. She didn't tell me until she got back!
I don't know how to control my mom. I have asked her if I can see the emails she exchanged with a-mom, but I know that they will have negative things in them about me, so she won't send them to me.
I feel so paranoid, but my mom has always been bitter like this, she abused us when we were little and my sister and my fiance don't speak with her because she is so crazy and vindictive.
My fiance is going to call my mom tonight and tell her to butt out and stop getting involved.
I called my mom's mom, My grandma, and she said that she tried to send A-mom a kind christmas email, and a-mom wrote back saying she wants nothing ever to be sent by my grandma to her family ever again.
This is turning into a CLOSED adoption, or at least it's closed for me. Why does a-mom let my mother in, but not me or my grandmother? I am so confused as to what to do now. I don't want to lose my son forever!
xxx Sorry for the long post! :sad:
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Leakaye: Hey girl, I feel your pain, I lived it for years, I also get from how your letters read that the decision to place your child was not what your heart wanted. I am that person too, my choices taken from me at 17 years old, and for the next 20 years denied of feelings, and the right to talk about my son I couldnt see, or touch or watch grow. Even though the choice was not mine to place my son, I did make a decision, which kept a whole in my heart for 20 long years to waite for maybe the day, my son would find me. This means I made a decision to step out and not interfer with my son or his new families life. Well, as you know from my previous letter, he did come back to me. I truly believe that energy, and charma are real and strong, and if you believe, and keep the love alive for your son/daughter in your heart, you will be greatly payed back in life eventually. Put the energy that you are spending on stress, pain and sadness, into pure happiness, and embrace the love you are getting from your fiance and child at home. They sound strong, and very loving which is where your energy should be. I spent so long and so much time hurting over 20 years, I am pretty sure I lost alot of time enjoying the little things with my kids. Dont let your little girl loose out on her mom's joy while you burn all your energy trying to figure out your mom and her extended family. I hear and feel that it feels like you are being punished, but the punishment will certainly be your daughter's and fiances if they have to watch you become weakend by the insensitivity of your family. They (fiance and daughter) can only help you as much as you want to help yourself. So from one bmom to another, take care of who you can, You first, and your daughter and future husband next. He is right, they love you and they are your family now. Your little one will come back to you. If your family sees you moving on, and getting stronger and enjoying life, the threat your bchild's family feels for you right now, will go away, and you will see the connection return. Dont let them have the opportunity to turn you into someone you are not. Enough of us bmom's suffer from identities none of us deserve or earned. Im not telling you to turn your back and forget your child, just embrace the family you have now!! You will see, life will be in your favour in time!! Keep with these sights, find a support group, or check out the chat here, it was so great for me, and I recieved some great advice, and the best thing for me was seeing and reading that I was not alone!!! Have a great day! Cheers and good luck!! Lisasue
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Dear Lisasue,
Wow! What inspiring words! You seemed to have summed up exactly how I feel. It is very comforting to know that I am not alone, although my heart goes out to anyone who is feeling or has felt pain like I endure. I have had a disaggreable Private message sent to me that I am upset about because someone was trying to tell me that I was coming accross as an angry person and that the amom is not talking to me because I am projecting a negative vibe or something.
I was hurt because I feel like everyone else is trying to make me get over this too fast, and therefor pushing me to act or feel a little crazy at times. I lash out when my mother makes accusations or assumes I am thinking negatively, say things I don't mean. She is probably the one projecting a negative image about me to amom. I just don't know how to forgive her for all this pain I feel she has helped cause. I know I need to forgive my self for making such a painful decision about my bson, but I think this is a start, it will take time. I know that ignoring my pain is not a start. I used to mask the pain with alcohol or drugs, now that I am a mother, I am dealing with it head on, clean and sober, it's harder than I thought it would be.
I am lucky I have my little family here at home, I do need to focus on the positive and simply accept that I cannot raise my son, but I will see him in the future and make sure he knows that I thought of him every day!
Thank you again for your lovely words, even though the sun is not shining today in England, I feel a million bucks!!! Thank you for that!!!
x Lea
Hey Lea! Im glad I helped a little. Just a helpful thought, think about the type of relationship you want with your mom, and the one you already have before and after placing your baby for adoption. Think about what she means to you, and how you want her in your life. I think if you ask her or reflect on what you already know about her life, you might get the answer to the questions of why she is being the way she is in this situation. Try to reflect on where she came from and it might help you heal and forgive her for how she is acting. She may not even realize the pain she is bringing you. Most dont, when they are protecting themselves. Just another thought. If you had a good relationship with her, try to build on it with your own child now one mom to another, and go from there. A separate relationship from the extended family and the adoption. You might find because you are a mother, she will invite you into her past and then maybe you will get a reason for all this without asking or stressing out that she is betraying you. Its a strange thing when you talk to your mom, as a mom how much more willing they are to talk about their life when they were younger. I know, I learned so much more about my mom recently, and all because I started to talk to her as a friend/mom instead of a little girl. I learned that my mom had a child before my brothers and my twin sister and I. I learned that she came from a family who was very proud and looked down on single parents, and pre marital sex. I learned that she never told her family about my bson until 2002. He was born in 1985. I have a very good relationship with my mom, but I spent alot of years blaming her. The bottom line Lea, is that we have placed our children, and we can loose alot of valuable time going over the shoulda coulda would of's and blame our moms and everyone else. But know one is loosing sleep at night but us! No one is crying and listening but us! Its a unfair, ungrateful postion to be in, and there are no rewards, that is why I thank God, that there was this site, and the women in the chat room. As I said in the other letter, I was finally not alone. I would like to add Lea, that besides the other bmom's I have met in chat, I have had the honour of chatting to amazing amom's and adoptee's who have all been extremely helpful to me through the past year, and I have been given some great advice and clarification to all my thoughts and fears! If you havent gone there yet, check it out, its great! you can write me too if you like. Icelandicsun@hotmail.com (hope that is okay to put there, sorry if it isnt moderator) But I highly recommend chatting to the triad! Its a great help Have a Great Day! Hugs Lea!Lisasue
I'm an adoptive mother so I hope you don't mind my opinion.
1) It sounds like everything was going well until you made the comment to her that really hurt her feelings. It sounds like she was trying to share how happy they are and how well adjusted he was. I'm sure it was not intended to hurt your feelings only to help comfort you that your son was doing well and happy.
2) I'm sure it's taken her a long time to move passed that hurt, and even as she tries to continue to have a relationship with you, she can sense your upset and things are awkward and she probably questions how good that can possibly be for her son to be in the middle of that.
3) It is a lot easier for adoptive parents to communicate with other birthrelatives like a grandmother. The grandmother is less connected, she's less of a threat than speaking directly to you because while she loves her grandson she is not one of his mothers. You may feel jealous or angry with your mother for having this relationship with the adoptive mother but over all "THAT" relationship can be what literally hold the ties for the child between his adoptive family and birthfamily so I wouldn't put a stop to that. She has every right to have a relationship with the adoptive mother and she shouldn't have to have your approval. What she has with the adoptive mother can be different than what you have with her. And if your mother has had this great relationship with her all this time why in the world would she show you all of her e-mails and contact with her? What they said was between them, if you want a relationship than you have to work on it and develope it for yourself.
4) I think the only way to approach this if you really want to let go of the past and start a new is to write the adoptive mother a friendly letter. Apologize for the way you've hurt her in the past. Let her know that you never meant to hurt her you were just having a really hard time and while you want her and her son to be happy it hurt to hear it when your heart was breaking. let her know how much you've missed having a relationship with her and how you hope she will let you in and give you another chance to deveople that relationship. I wouldn't sound angry or demanding. I would tell her that you only offered those books as an effort to help make an effort at giving this open adoption a better chance and a new start and that you didn't mean to offend her by it. Let her know that know that you have a family of your own and your life is more stable you feel ready and able to begin to develope this relationship with her and you hope she will want to give you another chance. That you in no way want to step in and interupt their lives that you just want to be a part of it.
Please take my comments for what they are worth. I haven't walked in your shoes and there's no way you could explain all the dynamics of this relationship in just a couple posts. i hope something I have said might help in some way.
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lonni,
Are you reffering to me?
If so please tell me how I've come across as thoughtless and unkind.
If your referring to the adoptive mother in the situation how has she come across as thoughtless and unkind?
She has responded in the same way most of us would given those circumstances. In the best interest of our child.
mom2GRLC
lonni,
Are you reffering to me?
If so please tell me how I've come across as thoughtless and unkind.
If your referring to the adoptive mother in the situation how has she come across as thoughtless and unkind?
She has responded in the same way most of us would given those circumstances. In the best interest of our child.
Just another opinion from me, as this situation is so close to me in comparision of my life, that I keep coming back to it. It dont think anyone is thoughtless here, and I think mom2 has been misunderstood as well . Being that Lea's situation is 5 years old, and there seems to be alot of fear, and misunderstanding on all sides of her family. It would seem to me, Lea is starting to understand that, with a little help and support, her family, including her mom, grandmother, and bchild's amom will eventually come back together again. I sorta took Lea's notes as a reach out for help, and advice on how to rationalize and understand what is happening not only to her bchild's family but also to herself. If we all just kick back, and re read what she is saying, Lea is just going through the greiving and trying to put it all together, especially now that she has a child of her own to raise. Sounds to me, that some of her pain is with the relationship with mom, and why it was not okay for her to raise her first born, but now that the child is placed, mom has interest in the child with another family member???I can understand that. I think I am kinda reading that amom, maybe be the brunt of the upset but not really the symptom. I think we all will be more helpful sharing our experiences instead of judgments on how we feel about her story. Which is what I really enjoy about coming here. All of your supports, when I am scared, and confused and needing clarification. I also believe I read that Lea had tried to apologize for her comments, and I think she realizes that time will hopefully heal that pain she caused the amom. But I also hope for amom, that she seek advice to help her understand the process of the birthmom. As a birthmom myself, I feel very misunderstood, and i feel that my feelings have been considered irrelievent, and that not enough is out there to help bmom's with finding a way to realize more people will have the view that we need to get over our losses and get on with it. I don't think alot of people realize that placing a child for adoption, especially in my situation is like a death, only the child is not dead, they are gone, and we are left with the feelings of unworthyness to raise these children. I would just like to add that there is many reasons good and bad why women/girls place their children. I wish I was one of those who were okay and chose for myself to place my child because my life might have been so much better, but it wasn't, instead i was made to think I was bringing my child home, and then told a week before I was not. So I had my child basically taken from me, and then told to never talk about it, and to get over it, it was extremely painful. I also had to watch my own mom praise my cousin who had a child two months after I placed my son, and watch her send many baby gifts to my uncles and aunts with the hopes of seeing their babies soon. I was allowed to give my bson a letter which was dictated to me by my parents, as was the whole process of the adoption. I never did get the chance to talk to my bsons mom, but I did recieve a letter telling me that he was very bonded, and loving his new parents, which cut me like a knife. I remember reading those words like it was yesterday, and instead of firing back, I told the sw to ask them to stop writing. I regreted the adoption, and then spent many years feeling guilty for saying i didnt want anymore communication with them. Not a win win situation for me, and I am not alone. There is many other women like me who felt guilty for their situations which they had no control over. When I had my first baby, I could not stop feeling horrible over what I felt was replacing my first baby. It took alot of support of my daughters fathers' family to overcome, which I did in time. Although since meeting my son, my reunion as far as his mom goes is very difficult for she too has many fears about my presents. I do not judge her, or paint all amom's with the same experiences as I am having with my bson's mom. Instead I embrace any advice I can recieve from other amom's, adoptees and birthmoms. I hope by reading Lea's letters we can help guide her to find another path/journey for her to take to help her heal, instead of judging her on her actions which are a result in her fear and guilt for choices she either made for herself or what were made for her. As women, we owe it to her to be supportive, not judgmental. Have a great day! Cheers!!Hope I dont upset anyone, just think it needs to be said!! Lisasue How you doing today Lea, (take it one day at a time)!! HUGS
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Hi,
I just wanted to put my moderator hat on for a few minutes.
Just a reminder that it's okay to disagree and to offering differing opinions. These differing opinions allow our members to "widen their horizons" so to speak. All we ask is that you all do so with respect.
It's hard to remember when we are hurting, that someone offering a hard dose of reality is trying to support and offer you the advice you asked for.
Sadly in many troubled adoption situations both sides have participated in not so honorable behaviors. The key, in my opinion, to heal the relationships is to take responsibility for what you've done to harm the relationship and to set the blame aside.
leakaye
I am really struggling recently with all my emotions. I gave birth to my daughter one year ago, and since then I have had these floods of emotions coming back to haunt me from 6 years ago when I placed my first born son for an open adoption.
I have had ups and downs with my relationship with the adoptive parents, the a-mom is my aunts by marraige's cousin. At first she was so loving, gave me gifts, thanked me, let me babysit the kids even.
I was forced to move overseas with my mother soon after my son's birth because my mom said it would help me get over it, and since then have only been able to see my son when I can afford a ticket. I would usually call a couple times a year and keep in touch through emails. 2 years ago though a-mom sent me an email about how my son kept saying that he loved her. I was having a bad day and the last thing I wanted to hear was how much my son loved his a-mom. I was still bitter. I was happy he loved his new parents, but I thought she wrote that to me to piss me off or something. Well it did, and I replied to her asking her to not send those kind of emails anymore.
Instead, she sent nothing! I heard nothing from her for a year and a half until I finally wrote her a letter apologizing and asking for us to start off fresh again. I was heavily pregnant with my daughter at the time and I was finally feeling guilty for what I said.
She eventually emailed me back after I asked my mom to get in touch with her. Her email was cold and heartless, not like they used to be. She said it would take her a long time to heal and I will have to wait for contact.
I was livid! But I had no choice but to accept what she said.
Since then I have gone over to visit my son, it was a confusing and uncomfortable visit, only lasted 3 hours. Too many children (he has 4 sibling and my cousins were all there too) and I felt so uneasy. I didn't talk much and even forgot to give him his gift. He was too busy playing with all the children, we got no time together. He didn't know who I was. A-mom obviously didn't tell him who he was going to go see. A-mom seamed defensive and rude. She kept looking me up and down and asking me weird questions about how much money I was earning.
The visit was not what I wanted it to be, to say the least.
Since then I have not spoken to A-mom. I did write an email recently about how I hope that she says nice things about me to our son when he asks and how I hope he doesn't grow up to be bitter like some adopted children are. I asked her for us to start communicating more often to ensure our sons happiness. She wrote back saying that I will just have to accept what we have and that it sounds like I have a lot of healing to do, so when I am finished I can come back into their lives.
Because we signed an OPEN adoption agreement saying she would send pictures and an update twice a year, I replied saying that we should stick to this plan because I can no longer sit around waiting for emails from her. I wanted our relationship to be predictable. I don't think it's fair.
I have not hear back from her. I also sent her a link to an Open adoption handbook that I think we should both read, she still has not replied. It's been over a month now.
So finally I asked my mom to get involved. Then I find out, my mom and the a-mom have been having this secret relationship without me and they have been good friends talking all along! I was livid and my mom simply told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and accept that things take time. My mom said that a-mom will contact me in her own time and started making excusses for a-moms behaviour. It's like my mom is acting like she is the birthmom. My mom even went to visit my son without me 3 years ago. She didn't tell me until she got back!
I don't know how to control my mom. I have asked her if I can see the emails she exchanged with a-mom, but I know that they will have negative things in them about me, so she won't send them to me.
I feel so paranoid, but my mom has always been bitter like this, she abused us when we were little and my sister and my fiance don't speak with her because she is so crazy and vindictive.
My fiance is going to call my mom tonight and tell her to butt out and stop getting involved.
I called my mom's mom, My grandma, and she said that she tried to send A-mom a kind christmas email, and a-mom wrote back saying she wants nothing ever to be sent by my grandma to her family ever again.
This is turning into a CLOSED adoption, or at least it's closed for me. Why does a-mom let my mother in, but not me or my grandmother? I am so confused as to what to do now. I don't want to lose my son forever!
xxx Sorry for the long post! :sad:
sort of similar situation, although I didn't respond...
The first time I received contact (sort of) from dd's amom was when the SW called to tell me there was a picture I could pick up. No letter or anything, just the picture. It was of dd being held by amom. DD was looking up at amom, and the picture was more a dead-on shot of amom.
At first I was excited to see what amom looked like as I've never met her. I got to see for the first time the woman that would be my daughters mother. Then I realized the picture didn't really seem to be of DD at all. Like she definitely was not the main focus of the picture. I got a little upset, but I didn't convey that to anyone because I felt like beggars can't be choosers, and I should be happy with anything (and honestly, I am).
However, there was a "crazy" moment where I felt like the amom was sending me this picture of dd looking up at her adoringly as a jab to me. I thought it seemed so insensitive that she would do that!
Then I did what I always told my students to do if they were upset about a grade or a comment or something: take twenty four hours, think about it from all angles, and then calmly discuss the issue with me. I thought about it, and came to the conclusion that amom was probably just (if anything) trying to show me that Ava was happy and that I should be pleased with whom she was placed. I am, and now I love the picture of Ava and her mom.
Sorry if this is a little long and off topic, just wanted you to know you weren't alone in wanting to react that way....
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thank you again for all your thoughts and feelings. You are all very helpfull and have made me think of things in a different angle, even if it was upsetting sometimes. I have recently spoken to my mother who said that she was only speaking with amom because amom contacted her saying that she was worried about me. My mom did however tell me that she told amom that she was not upholding her end of the deal because she hasn't sent any pictures in a long time. I was very happy to hear that my mom was actually sticking up for me all along! It was just my anger blurring my vision and feelings about the situation.
Yesterday I got a wonderful surprise in the mail, 1 painting and 2 drawings that my bson did, and also 3 pictures from Easter. I was so happy to receive them and I can't stop looking at his little face. I just want to squeeze him! :) I sent a lovely not to amom thanking her for the pics and saying how much it makes me happy to receive things in the mail. I asked lots of questions about my bson and she responded with an email all about him, what he likes at school, his hobbies, favorite animal. Again I thanked her for the update, and today I sent my bson a book about bugs. I hope he likes it. Things are looking good! :)
I have been reading a lot of different books, with different opinions. Adoption and Loss written by Evelyn Burns Robinson is a very harsh view of the adoption industry. I am taking it with a pinch of salt. Another is the Birthmothers Guide to Healing. I like that one, it's making me face my fears.
Like I said before, this is the first time I am actually facing this adoption head on, no drugs or alcohol to temporarily blind my judgement and comfort my broken heart. I am finally taking the pain for what it is. I can't believe this pain is for life. Aparently this pain gets worse over time, that is what evidence shows. I hope all of us birthmoms are able to embrace what we have and look forward to a bright future with our adult babies.
I regret my decision every day. I do feel that I was swayed by my family and by society to make the decision I did. I know now that I would have been a wonderful mother because I feel I am one now. It doesn't matter how many times people tell me that I made the best decision at the time, I will always disagree with them. I didn't make the best decision. I didn't stick up for myself, I let myself and my bson down. I let other people run my life, I should have taken charge. I did have a plan to raise my bson, all I needed was one year of support, I was 17, I just needed one year, then I would have done it. I am still very angry with my mother for not giving one more year of her life for me. I know how you feel Lisasue, it hurts like heck to watch our mothers be so sympathetic to others but not to us.
I am doing much better now. Taking one day at a time. There are good days, and there are really bad days. Regardless what mood I am in, I put a smiling face on for my daughter, take her to the park and play with her, because I am so thankful to have her.
There are many other complications involved with this adoption, I'm sure I will seek out your advice with them at some stage. It's so much to carry every day. So much guilt and pain. I wish someone would have prepared me for this.
Thank you again for all your advice and support. I cherish your wise words and thoughtful replies. They help me very much! Lisasue, you are very sympathetic and have a soft tone with your words, thank you. I know we have similar situations, it helps to know that I am not alone. Although I am so sad there are other women who also suffer from this kind of pain.
xx Lea
Awesome thread Leakaye - you started something wonderful. I also have an "in-family" supposed to be open adoption. HA!!! That was a lot of BS until the signatures were on the dotted line. WOW LisaSue - you have some massively powerful words. I had to post to this just so I could go back and read your messages on days I need reminded of those exact sentiments. If I could live every day true to your words - They would all be good days. I agree I have met many amoms and adoptees here that have shared other perspectives with me, but I totally think the amom in Leakayes case - did not need to "share" like she did. Like Leakaye said, she (meaning Leakaye) did not need to react as she did. BUT she did apologize for it later - only to be told "I am too hurt". WAH WAH WAH. Grow up and GET OVER IT. I think the amom was heartless and cruel. I think your mom not seeing that is cruel, but like LisaSue said, that you will have to get past. Also - I thought - perhaps your mom is thinking at least if she has contact you guys always have an in. Although I think she is all flubbed up in her executing that plan.