A Birthparent Discussion: What are your boundaries in OA?

Just and FYI - this thread was about birthparents setting boundaries...I was asking if birthparents felt they could...since this is something that is often encouraged for adoptive parents. This thread wasn't about what happens when birthparents step over the boundaries set by adoptive parents. This thread wasn't about what happens when adoptive parents step over the boundaries set by birthparents. This wasn't about how harmful missed visits are for children. I asked birthparents if they felt they could set boundaries and if so...what boundaries they had set in their OA...I'm not sure how this got turned around to something so totally NOT the subject...

Another amom here---sorry. Anyway, I don't think she's trying to shame anybody. It's just that it is SO HARD on kids when they're anticipating a visit from their birthmother or birthfather, and then it doesn't happen. I know that birthparents can be emotionally overwhelmed and need to take a break, etc. etc. But if the kids are cognizant of what's happening, they don't realize that bmom or bdad needs a break from the grief and emotional turbulence---they think that bmom and bdad need a break from THEM, the kids. And that feels terribly disappointing and rejecting.I wish I could echo the sentiment that "it's okay to take a break if it's too emotional." But I don't actually feel that way. I think that one of the commitments that comes along with open adoption is that the parents, aparents and bparents, all agree to keep the relationship going even if it's unbelievably Gawd-awful hard because that is what is best for the kids.(At least this is the belief I'm trying to put into practice, my own relationship with my son's other mom being very, very hard on me right now...)

I have been watching this thread with interest, and with hopes to get it somewhat back on track, I have thought about what IF DD's a mom had responded to my question about boundaries, what would I have wanted? Yes the truth of the matter is that I would accept basically any amount of contact that was offered (as I think most of the b-parents on this thread would as well). But if I was given an input, based on the scenario that I am in (teenaged DD with whom I have no contact with, who to my knowledge does not know I have contact with a-mom) I would first ask due to her age that DD be made aware of any arrangement made and be comfortable with that. If she does not want us communicating than so be it, since it is first and foremost about her. Any direct contact between she and I would be up to her a-mom to decide when and how, as she is a minor and her a-mom is the parent. If contact were to remain just between a-mom and I personally would like bi monthy updates (phone preferred, but e mail OK too) and maybe pics 3-4 times a year, which had I known then what I know now would have been what I would have asked for post placement. Boundaries can be negotiated for increased contact if desired, and less only if there is a reason of concern for DD's well being. (grades slipping if direct contact etc) For me boundaries would help clear up any issues that may result from lack of communication, an unbalanced desire for how much contact is sufficient,misinterpretation on my part etc. (things I struggle with now without boundaries) If I know in no uncetain terms what I can expect, I can live up to my end and not be disappointed. I hope this helps :flowergift:

To clarify... Yes my situation does come from a CPS adoption. However, my concerns are still legitimate either way. I would still hold the relationhsip with the birthparents to a higher standard (as well as myself) because of the important role the birthparents have in their life. Which is much greater than just a casual friend, which means that there is a greater possibility for hurting the child if things weren't going well for some reason. I think I was misunderstood. I would be held to that high standard as well for the sake of my child. Which means i would not make plans I couldn't keep. I would do everything possible to keep my commitments and I would expect the birthparents to do the same and out of respect for them I would tell them why I couldn't make the visit and gladly re-schedule it, or even give them an extra visit to make up for the inconveience....etc. Of course things happen in life where visits need to be cancelled. My only problem is when it becomes a habit and becomes hurtful to the child. Even if it is a good excuse. How does a child feel if say his (divorced)father works so much and never puts his son first. Constantly makes promises he doesn't keep, misses visits, cancels at the last minute...etc. That is very harmful to the child. Yes he may have a very good excuse (supporting the family) but obviously something needs to be done in order to protect that child from being hurt over and over again. that doesn't mean stopping visits...it just means working something out to help prevent that hurt...ie talking to him, telling him not to make plans with the child, maybe suprising the child when he can come verses dissapointing him all the times he can't come....etc. I feel a birthparent has a similiar "high" position in the childs life, a position that must not be taken lightely, because of the potential damage that could be done to the child. that's all I'm saying. It wasn't meant as negative towards birthparents. I do believe birthparents SHOULD speak up and talk about what their needs are in the relationship and what their boundaries are. I for one am very interested in what they need/want out of the relationship, but so far I'm not hearing much other than they are afriad to ask for anything for fear of being pushed away. I WOULD liek to hear what those needs/wants/boundaries would be IF that fear was gone, but no one really goes there, so maybe they themselves don't even know what they need/want, or may be they just never even thought about it. (BTW....many times adoptive parents sacrifice what they need or want for sake of preserving that relationship for the child...I know it has been the case in my situation. I certianly don't get everything I need or want...but I'm not in this for me...I'm in it for my child and what their needs are and how I can best accomodate them even if that means it's a great sacrifice for me). I'm only aswering questions that were asked by the "birthparents" and responding to their posts where they address my comments. I didn't think that was throwing anything off course, infact I thought it was just an evolving(as all posts do) discussion. As far as birthparents having to explain their feelings on a subject. I have to explain my reason for feeling the way I do ALL the time. Why should they be any different. After all....by explaining WHY we feel a certian way helps others as well as ourselves understand the subject better and helps us grow. It doesn';t mean we are attacking them or not welcoming their opinion.

If the post wouldn't have started out with birth parents admitting that they have a hard time setting boundaries because of how adoptive parents react to the situation... your posts might have been more welcome and warranted. Instead, you only further proved the point that birth parents initially stated.

For what it's worth, I was one birthparent who DID vocalize a desire to set boundaries and I did not get a response for the adoptive mom. I did not let that affect my feelings for her or the way I relate to her, but deep down I felt very hurt and brushed aside, as if my wants/needs did not matter. On the flip side she had addressed some of her fears and I did respond to her about that, because I felt that she needed to know that I AM concerned and sensitive to her fears and needs. To me it's not a b-parent/a-parent thing, it is a relationship thing, in order to have a successful relationship with anyone you need to feel free to communicate honestly about your needs and wants. And unfortunately I do not feel that I am able to do that since it was not addressed, and I am not exactly running to ask for anything I need in the future, for fear of being brushed aside again. I am not trying to say that all a-parents feel this way, or that my DDs a mom MEANT to hurt or ignore me, but it is a valid fear for me, so I can see how other birthparents might feel the same.

EXACTLY what I think. 100% agree. FWIW - maybe the amom did listen...but didn't feel it neccessary to respond? Like maybe she is the type that just takes what you say, store it, and go....maybe she did listen? This coming from someone (me) who has a hard time remembering some people don't respond as well as I like and it's not always bad...I'm sorry for that though...it's hard to put yourself out there to just feel like they were like "eh. whatever."

Amom here---sorry about that. Jenna, I think that the occasional thing that comes up is no big deal. At least, I wouldn't take it as a big deal. Things happen.But I think you have to remember that to the kids, it is a HUGE deal. It is so heartbreaking to watch a little kid who was all geared up for a visit from bmom hear that bmom isn't coming. They feel so personally rejected. Rescheduling once in a while? No biggie. The kids can deal with it . But a pattern of rescheduled visits, things cancelled at the last minute, bparents needing "a break"? Well---I guess that after a while, I'd want to spare my/our child the disappointment and feelings of being rejected.Look, I'm a foster mom and I work with bparents who aren't as stable, emotionally secure, or capable of empathy as you are. Many of them are mentally ill, and others are just emotionally immature because of their addictions. But even so, we all understand the occasional need to reschedule or cancel. Nobody thinks that the bparents are necessarily liars or giving phony excuses-----until it becomes a pattern. And it's the pattern, not the occasional event, that is a problem. No pattern, no problem! So if it's no problem in regards to people who have a history of troubling behavior, why would it be a problem for you?Try not to overgeneralize....please? It doesn't do anybody any good to draw big stereotypes about either group. Many of us are struggling to build relationships, negotiate boundaries, and create a healthy environment for our kids, just like you are.

Again, boulderbabe, why was "a break" just put in quotations which is the typical way of stating with words that you don't believe that it is a legitimate thing. Again, as Brandy stated, this thread wasn't necessarily formed to discuss the results of what happens when a promise is broken, it's about discussing boundaries. Just as adoptive parents can get overwhelmed with too frequent visits, SO CAN BIRTH PARENTS.Apparently, NO ONE wants to hear that.

browneyes0707 If you don't mind sharing, what were some of the things you were trying to discuss with her? What boundaries/feelings were you trying to set/discuss. Can you please share some examples with us. I'm really sorry she brushed you aside. She should have at least listened to your feelings and discussed them with you rather than just ignore them. But please share with us what some of your concerns were so that we can know what (you/a birthparent) needs in the relationship.

Schmenna leigh I personally have no problem with birthmom's/birthfamily/adoptive parents- taking breaks as long as they, talk about it, explain why they might be needing a break and for how long they anticipate that break to be. Rather than just dissapearing for a while or not returning messages and leavign the other side confused/frustrated etc (that goes for birth/adoptive parents). Everyone deserves a break when they need it and I agree sometimes a break on either end is better off for the child. So by all means....if you need it...tell them your feelings about it and how long you think you'll need and then take it!!!!

I've been thinking back to our open adoption and these are some things that have been discussed regarding the OP. Birthmom stating her own boundaries/needs....and some of her fears regardign the relaitonhsip. - "If your going to allow contact than let it happen, don't keep shutting me out, either let contact happen or close it for good" -"I'm afraid to tell you things because as soon as I open up to you, I don't here from you for a long time" -"I'm afraid to tell you things, because you might use them against me" - "I don't like talking about myself (or birthdaughters past) because I don't even like who I was, and I'm not that person anymore, I don't want you or dd to hate me" -"I'll share stuff when I feel ready too, I have to first forgive myself before I can share those things with dd" -"I'm sick of having to obey YOUR rules, on where, when and how I can see my dd". -"you'll probably write a "long letter" telling me how I'm wrong but that's fine, cause I have to follow YOUR rules". (I must add that I do not agree with some of the things she has stated....based on the truth of things that have happened in our relationsship...but nevertheless these feelings/needs she has expressed to me, maybe they are similiar to some of yours).

*sigh*Can a moderator just close this thread please, thanks.

[FONT="Century Gothic"]Who knows how long the break might be. It might a few days, weeks, or months. I didn't tell them "how long" I needed a break because I didn't know how long I needed to take care of me. And how is the relationship any better when you have a visit set up and then you get a phone call from amom and the time, location, and duration is changed -- just because - no reason given. And again I am HUMAN, so there for I hold the aparents at the same level to everyone, just as I hope they hold me and on some level that isn't possible unless I was perfect.[/FONT]

Closed..........