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Ok, lets imagine you are thinking of placing your child in an open adoption and YOU have the right to choose what the boundaries/rules would be and the adoptive parents would be LEGALLY responsible to abide by your boundaries, or YOU COULD take the child back. (of course this is not how our legal system works, but just for curiosity sake) what would some of those boundaries be? What's important to you? How would that differ from the open adoption you have now?
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I gotta say, I don't think this is the answer either. I mean, you don't want to reverse the roles and make the power one sided the OTHER way. We just all need to be respectful. OA is not about a contract...it's about relationships, and relationships, unlike contracts, constantly change...the key is COMMUNICATION between everyone and respect. You can't say "it will ALWAYS be this way" because it may not be. You may not want them calling every week now, but if you become very very good friends, it might change...on the other hand you may want a call every other week now, but that may be emotionally too much for you at a point in your life, so you back off a bit. This goes for all points in the triad. I don't see how relationships can be written in stone. Respect. Communicate. Educate. Committment.
My purpose in asking is for me and other adoptive mothers to see what you as birthmothers actually need/want from the relationship. To know your true feelings.
I know many birthmothers are afriad to ask for things(in their own relationships), for fear of being a burden or fear of being pushed away.
So please share with us, what your needs/wants are , what boundaries you would set in the relationhsip if those fears weren't present. If you weren't afraid of getting cut off.
Maybe WE can see things more clearly in our own relationships and offer those things to our childrens birthfamilies. So please share!!!
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Do you think a set schedule is better than a flexible one?
Is it easier to know your pictures will be sent (say every 4 months) or to just recieve them when ever you ask for them or whenever they are sent.
Is it easier to have a strict planned out visitation schedule....verses never knowing when your next visit will be? Or is it easier to just ask for a visit when you want/need it and plan around whatever time is best for you both.
these are the boundaries our b/m has set:we are not allowed to be late with our letters; she is we are not to include pictures of anyone but child; she can send pics of anyone she likes we are to stop acting like she is nothing to dd(?); she never, ever mentions anyone in our family, including dd's beloved dog we are to include every detail of dd...and I mean EVERY detail; she says nothing about herself at all. Needless to say,even after 7 years, we are still not even in the same book, let alone the same page. Sad & hurtful all ways.
That certianly is the extreme opposite, isn't it?
What kind of adoption did you have? Did you meet before the birth and talk about stuff? How did things lead to such an extreme? Do you do as she asks?
I think I would have a HARD time wanting to stay in contact.
BIG QUESTION HERE....who's best interests is she looking out for? It sounds like it's all about her....and she doesn't care about anyone else in the relationship...how sad.
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