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I am several years into what I would generally consider to be a very healthy reunion with my entire bfamily. We interact as family and tend to have extremely honest and heart-felt conversations.
My bsister, N, called me tonight and told me about a conversation she had today with our 12 year old sister, J and my bmom. Our sister said that she was sick of me and didn't want me to be so involved in our family because mom always takes my word on everything (I am a pastor and I specialize in teenager counseling and mentoring. My bmom calls regularly and asks for my advice on raising my bsiblings. I advise her when asked but always caution her to make her own decision and not to make me the bad guy in the kid's eyes).
N then went to my bmom and asked her what was going on with our sister J and why J was so upset with me. Bmom said, "J is mad and doesn't want her involved in our family. This is old news. J has been going off about this for over 6 weeks." N tried to get bmom to explain but bmom had nothing else to say...
I am very hurt. I want to run away and hide from them. Run before they do... I feel all my old fears raising up within me... I don't blame J, the 12 year old. She is a kid and she is reacting to a tough situation, expressing her true feelings. I am hurt because my bmom let things fester this long and hasn't addressed things. And a million other reasons.
Any advice from bmoms, bsiblings or adoptees on how to walk through this reunion dynamic...??!
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Hmmmmmm. I don't have any bsiblings that I've met (I have an older half sister on my bfather's side but that's another story!) so I'm not sure how to deal with the sibling side of things...but it sounds like you and your bmom are close enough that perhaps you could call her and talk honestly with her about your feelings? Not an easy conversation I'm sure, but probably a necessary one to address what's happened here and to try and take preventative measures for the future. Generic advice, but it's the first thing that came to mind :)
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It's easy for me to say... but try to hang in there. Sounds to me like your sister's being a typical 12 yr old! (I think my daughter began to hope she WAS adopted at about that age...) If your mom is giving you credit for the advice she's following or the way she's dealing with a particular situation it's no wonder she wants you out of her life (she figures she'd get her own way then!) N can help by saying, tough kid... she's our sister! Your mom may actually be dealing with it in that way, which would be one reason l'il sis is grumbling! Again, try not to over react! As Irish says, check with your bmom. Find out what's going on from her. Again, it sounds to my like it's about a 12 year old NOT getting her way, and not about a bchild being a part (or not) of the family.
Well ladies, you were right! I just got off the phone after a long conversation with my bmom. J was basiclly being a typical 12 year old. My bmom wasn't buying her drama and so she pulled in our other sister, N to try and get her way. We talked it all through and the "crisis" has passed.
It can sometimes be so hard not to view everything through a lens of being adopted... being the new one in the family and feeling insecure about one's place BUT in this case it had nothing to do with that- it only had to do with a my 12 year old sister acting 12 years old (which I should have realized since that's what I do for a living- make sense of 12 year olds!) It is good lesson to me to trust my bmom and to realize that conflicts although can feel scary can be worked out and the relationship can be strong for the wear! Thanks for your support and encouragment.
Glad it worked out! You are right however... and for what it's worth, I have the same challenge in my relationship with D. It's difficult in reunion not to see events through the lens of the one who lost/placed/gave up (choose your term) my child to adoption. I remain unsure of my own place in the extended family and I suspect D feels the same way. Actually, I know he does because he occasionally checks out things with my daughter - and because I have to assure him occasionally that my son J is just being himself -- he seems to love to ruin family gatherings (This is nothing new... it was going on long before D was in my/our lives.) At any rate, I'm glad you had the conversation with your bmom. As to working with 12 year olds being your profession... it's an illustration of how wise we can be toward others and how blind in situations that involve oursleves.
if it was me.... I think it would be my Que to butt out and let your mother and younger sister work it out on their own. and let younger sister know that also, that you will no longer be involved unless she wants you to be, so she won't regret you or resent your input. they have a right to have their own relationship, argumentative or not. its theirs.
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