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Hey loves,
I'm just too happy to not post it on here.
I saw Finleigh on Tuesday night!
Finleigh's mother called Tuesday afternoon asking if that night or one later on in the week would be good for me come see Finleigh at their home. We'd been discussing whether I wanted to or not and once that was decided, figuring out when would be best for all of us.
Of course I said I would see her that night. After I got off the phone I cried happy tears.
I was in Grapevine, an hour and a half from where they live at the time. And it would be at rush hour. It took me two hours but man...
I got to the door and had to catch my breath. Then I saw her through the glass in the door.
Both her dad and mom were there, and it was so good to see them, too. But I couldn't take my eyes off her. She looked wonderful. Fussy of course, but when she wasn't fussing she seemed pretty content. I was able to give her a bottle and the little piggie sucked down four ounces. Oh, and soy milk makes for some vile smelling burps. Howdy that was something! But I'd take the smelly burps and spitup any day if that means I can be with her.
It was frustrating not knowing what to do to soothe her and calm her down. At least they know what to do. :)
I watched her fall asleep in her mom's arms... and my heart melted watching them with her. The looks on their faces and the way they would talk to her and hold her... wow. It was good to see that. They're definitely in love with her.
I could not be happier with them as her parents. I hope she becomes like them. They're wonderful.
I hope I'll be able to see her again soon. This is so much easier with that hope of seeing her and feeling like her birth wasn't the end.
Good golly I'm so blessed. I never thought it would be like this.
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It's been a month since I last saw Finleigh, and I didn't want to ask if it was okay to see her again. Of course I wanted to, but I didn't want to push it. I thought I'd let them take the lead in this.
I talked to Finleigh's mom a couple days ago and she brought it up. It sounds like I will be able to see them this next week.
And here's the weird thing: I'm not near as excited this time. I'm kinda worried about it actually. We're planning on going out to eat and I can see her then. Which bugs me because I'm afraid it will be short and she's usually fussy around dinner time...I don't want them to have to leave because of disrupting the restaurant. I just don't know what to think. I wonder if I overstayed the last time I saw her?
And since that last phone call I've been thinking more about Finleigh than I have as of late. I wonder if this is hurting my ability to cope. I'm doing okay... but I like having days where I'm not crying at every stupid thing that reminds me of her.
I've even thought of asking them if it's possible to close the adoption to an extent, thinking maybe I would be better off... but that's a crazy idea.
I'll be glad to see them and hold Finleigh...but I'm worried it's going to be more upsetting than beneficial.
It's so hard.
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Krystal ((((HUGS)))) I understand what you are going through. While I wanted to see my son early on, it hurt and I thought seeing him more often would make that hurt go away and it did for a short while. What worked for ME was to step back for a bit, not visit for a month or two. I found for me this helped me to 'let go' so to speak and made me much more emotionally ready for a future visit. It's hard, there are no set answers, I wish there were.
I didn't think I would see her so soon this week. Finleigh's mom called this morning and asked if this afternoon would work for me. Of course I have nothing going on almost ever, so I agreed to meet up today.
It was good seeing them. I was more emotional this time than I was the last and had to try not to cry.
She's absolutely beautiful though. Everyone that sat next to us during those two hours stared at her and made sweet comments.
I was envious of them and the sweet moments they've had with her. I sat there and couldn't help but think how much I wanted to be a mother. Her mother.
She still has the bluest eyes and the sweetest mouth... She wasn't cranky or fussy... just kept looking around at all the lights and in the mirror that was behind us.
She's amazing.
It was as wonderful to hold her and hear her sweet noises as it hurt.
They did say that if any of my family would like to see her they were more than welcome to when they were in town. That means the world to my mom and my siblings (who haven't met her). I think it would be good for my grandmother to see her sometime...if she can handle it. She loves Finleigh so much.
I think I'm going to have to hold off a bit for the next visit.
I still feel completely blessed to have the couple I do for Finleigh's parents. It's just time to take a step back for a while.
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The first few visits were really hard for me, too. It helped me to really take a few days to recover from each visit-I spent a lot of time right after a visit crying and thinking and writing.
I hope you are feeling okay, now. I'm glad you were able to see them, and hope you are able to do what is right for you. Take care of yourself.
I just read your post. Please just let your daughter's aparents know that you need a break. My daughter's birthmom has disappeared on us. We were on our way to go visit her and we were running a few minutes late. I called and her boyfriend answered and said that they broke up and he didn't know where she was or how to get in touch with her. That was a year ago. I had her mom's address & phone number, so I've called and left messages, sent letters, pictures, a phone card, a self-addressed stamped envelope & blank card so that she could write to us, and still haven't heard anything. I keep wondering if we said/did something that could've offended her, but I can't think of anything. At our last visit, we went to the park and had a picnic, then went out for ice cream. It was a great visit. So, I just don't know. I would understand if she needed a break, I really would. I just wish she'd let us know...and tell us that she is safe.
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My mom and youngest sister were able to see Finleigh last night.
Finleigh was all smiles and coos... she almost rolled over, too.
I'm kind of on an emotional high right now...last night was absolutely wonderful.
I love her parents so much and am so grateful for them. They continue to amaze me almost as much as Finleigh amazes me.
Why I am so blessed I cannot figure out. I don't deserve it. This all blows me away.