Guilt

I gave birth to my daughter October 15, 2007, over 6 years ago now, and I still have not been able to overcome the guilt.I have a large family, none of whom were willing to support me either during my pregnancy or afterwards, so this was my decision. A beautiful couple found me. Not able to have their own, both established in their careers, they were a blessing in my life.We have a closed adoption. I haven't spoken with her new parents since October 17, 2007.I told myself I was giving her a better life and that would make me better. I had a plan. I'd complete school, get a great job, make a ton of money, and she would understand if she ever chose to meet me. I still haven't completed school, dealt with depression for years and I feel like a failure.After her birth, I spent nearly 2 years in bed, crying every day. I didn't work, I dropped out of school. I felt I was forced to make this decision, then I felt selfish. I have a great job now, but I feel empty. I have good days when I remembered why I made this decision. Now, 6 years later, I still have those really bad days. My adoption was complicated. Although it is closed, I know her parents, and they live in the same city. We met when I was 5 months pregnant and because my parents were so ashamed, this couple took me to every doctor's appointment, had lunch with me, showed me their home and the baby-proofing they had done, kept every sonogram, and stayed in the hospital with me when she was born. We all knew from the beginning that it would be closed and there would be no contact afterwards, but I feel like I lost 3 people the day we left the hospital. I hope they tell her how much I loved her. Not knowing hurts the most. I wish I could see a picture of her at least. I can't read the news articles about abuse in adoptive homes. It hurts my heart and I worry so much. I have nightmares that she's died and I'll never know. I did attend therapy for a time. The counselor advised me to convince myself a death HAD occurred, as this separation had been too deep. It would be easier for me to move on and grieve loss. I was told I should stop deluding myself by writing letters to her. I did.My family will not acknowledge that any of this ever occurred, and I feel like I'm harboring this dark secret. If I even bring up her name, I am told I abandoned her. I haven't even been able to tell my fiance and we've been together nearly 2 years.How do I cope with this immense, deep feeling of loss and emptiness? How do I move on with this guilt?I've met someone on this forum who have given me the first speck of true hope I've had in 6 years. I hope my daughter finds me and I am successful. I hope she is proud of me. I hope she is happy, healthy, and loved beyond belief.I will begin my search for a new counselor who has a background in adoption, and if I am lucky enough, may even find a group of birth mothers. I am finally excited about the future.