How much is too much visitation?

No. It sounds very reasonable and fair.

We've gotten together as little as 4 visits and as often as 8 in one year. I'd like some visits to be more casual, less of an orchestrated thing, like hey we are going to be at X place, want to meet us there- in addition to those days we make special arrangements to see just them at one of our homes. In your case, are they always coming to your house and for how often and how long? If I was always hosting (lots of) people I'd be worn out. It's just not in my nature so we do a mix of our house, their houses, parks, visits to kid type places, eating out etc. And if we were always just visiting around the coffee table that would get redundant. Doing things together gives us a history, just like with friends and other family.ETA, I forgot to say, no I don't think a hotel is unreasonable, but I can't judge if going from an "open door policy" to two visits per year is unreasonable, since saying it's an open door policy isn't very specific. My idea of open door policy might be different than yours.

My son is only 5 months old and we have had 8 visits with the bfamily. But there is a big difference...they live in the same city so the visits can be short (a couple of hours)and casual. I think it is hearder when they are out of town. Have you considered keeping the "open door" policy but requesting that they stay in a hotel? That might be a way to start that doesn't feel so drastic. And you might find that not having to entertain them 24/7 relieves the stress enough that you aren't as concered about the number of visits. My dh and I are going through some disagreements about our level of openness. He feels like we should keep visits spaced apart and occiasionally decline invitations to bfamily gatherings. I don't have a problem if we see them a lot. It is somehting we are still working out. Good luck to you!

I realized after hitting send that my message was very vague. In addition to that, I imagine that "too little" or "too much" visitation completely depends on the situation and I didn't really go into that at all. My DD's birth family lives about a 4 hour drive from here and they usually stay for a weekend (3 or 4 days). When our little girl was born, we didn't really discuss "how little" or "how many" times a year would be ok with everyone, we just left it completely open and let them know that they were always welcome. We also didn't set any boundaries. The visits take over our lives for the time that they are here. It would be way easier if they were closer and the visits were a few hours here and there. On one occassion, we received a call that birth dad was an hour away and was with a DD's birth-uncles (on Mom's side). They were planning on sleeping in their car, so we opened our home. We have worried that our house might seem like a vacation spot (pool/jacuzzi, near he beach). On another occassion, birth dad brought his girlfriend to our house for the weekend with his other two children. I discussed this with him and let him know it made us uncomfortable, he understood and agreed that visits would be immediate family only. I have a great relationship with DD's birth dad and have often been able to openly discuss sensitive issues with him without any problem. He is very understanding and trusts us to make the best decisions we can for DD. When DD was 3 mos old, we went to visit them and wound up spending the entire weekend holed up in a hotel with an infant waiting for them. We wound up getting to spend a total of about 3 hours with them, so we decided we wouldn't be doing that again any time soon. Because of our relationship with DD's family, I have a hard time separating what they want, from what I want, from what's best for DD. I can go on and on and on. I have indicated to our daughter's birth parents that I would like to make the relationship all about her. There is a lot of turmoil in their lives and it weighs heavily on me. Thanks for all of your input, so far... it's very helpful! :) Karen

First of all...I am not a lady. :boot: I have adopted 9 sons from the system. Last year, one of them gave me my first grandchild. J2 and his (then) girlfriend were not ready to parent. We all talked about it. I would have been willing to adopt my granddaughter, but had reservations with that. I have always felt that a man and a wife were best for children. I know, I know...I can already hear my fellow single parents hollering that "we" can take care of a child just as well as couples. This is just my opinion. I believe in balance. My granddaughter was adopted by a local couple who are teachers in the schools. Here is the problem. The birth mother (now former girlfriend) spends lots of time with the adoptive parents. She changed her church to see the baby every week. She goes over quite often. The baby is almost a year old now. J2 has been over a couple of times, but has been very careful not to get attached to her. I have been advising him about attachment and reality. He understands. So far, the adoptive parents have been agreeable...more agreeable than I would have been. I am sure this will change as the years go by. Now, back to your post. I would recommend setting down some boundries now. I would say that staying at your home should be out of the question. As a matter of fact, the visits should be in a public place. I use Chuckie Cheese's, as they can eat and play together. Bad pizza, but good concept. A couple of hours is more then generous. I have an open adoption agreement with my youngest son's mother for two hours per month. I would not allow the turmoil of the birthfamily to interfere with the visits or your relationship with the family. That is their turmoil, not yours or your daughter's. You do not "owe" them anything for allowing you to adopt. I do not have any contact with any of my other sons' bio families, as my sons come from abusive (except the youngest) homes. Some of the boys have contacted their bio families after moving out, but are not permitted to bring them here. That is a point of protection and boundries. I have other sons in the home that need to feel safe. I wish you the best in your decision.

We are five months into our open adoption process, and we're still working through the visitation thing. Our agreement was to have 4x a year, with pictures 3x. But we felt (since we know the birthmom and family) we could open it up, have more frequent contact. We are now rethinking that!! We get lots of phone calls (several times a week), we've met about 12 times since the birth, and birth mom wants more. She is very immature, and insensitive to our position; she's got some pretty high expectations and is a bit demanding. That said, I think after the first year or two this will improve. Her personality is a bit controlling, and I think we did her no favors by leaving things "boundary-less." We need to start over. But even though I am frustrated right now, and wish this could all just go away (my own selfish reaction), I have to take the long-term view and know that it will be best for our dd to have her mom in her life. And I still hold to this idealistic belief that we will be one, big extended family, one day, if we can make it through the bumpy early stages.

Let me preface by saying that our adoption is foster/adopt. We have visits 2x per year. At this point that is what works and we are comfortable. B-mom has asked for more, but we want to establish the visits as set in the agreement for a few years before we even think about any more.