Birthmom Wishlist

Hello, I am an adoptive parent although our adoption has been carried out a long time. We have had our daughter for 2 1/2 years. We have a relationship with our daughter's birthmom. In the beginning it was wonderful and the first year she was part of our daughter's life. She allowed us to name our daughter and asked if our daughter could just call her aunt. We had an agreement with her that she could visit whenever she wanted, all she needed to do was call. She's been invited to every event in our daughter's life. The birthmom has two other daughters that she only visits. We haven't heard from my daughter's birth mother since before her second birthday, which is sad. We have offered her birthfather the same, but he is contesting the adoption although has seen her only one time in 2 1/2 years. TO get to your question, as adoptive parents, none of us are in a seat to judge a birthmother. I thank God every day that our daughter was sent to us this way, even though we have so many uncertainties. There are many of us who should be thanking people like you for giving us a gift we wouldn't otherwise have. The gift of a child. While drug use/abuse, criminal behavior and activities, alcohol abuse and physical abuse would surely play a part in visitation, adoptive parents have ways to protect visitation until trust bonds can be formed. I am very sad that you are going through this and I will pray that God will soften the hearts of the aparents who chose to give of themselves to your child. Please remember aparents aren't all about keeping their child from knowing the truth. It's about how much information a child can handle at different ages. We intend our daughter to know of her adoption as soon as she is emotionally ready to receive information. My husband and I already have a plan how we will tell her.

The Birthparents of our DD chose for it to be closed(agency adoption). When she was 2 months old agency called and asked us to send update and pics for birthmom , because she had called. At first it scared me because of course we had not finalized. After a couple of months of doing this it got harder to write because I was so scared to say the wrong thing or not to say enough. So then I get a letter from the birthmom (through agency) and she says how much she make general comments and says if I want to ask anything oh feel free. But I am scared to I guess. I want to have this line of communication for all of us, but I really don't know how. And I am not ashamed to say some times when I read her letter or am writing her a letter that I feel less of a mother to DD. We love her sooo dearly and are forever grateful for her. DD also has a Atrial Septal Defect and I have not been able to tell her bmom and/or don't know if I should. We don't love her any less. I wish I could get over this hurdle.

D'smom---there's a thread on the BIRTHPARENTS forum, in the COMMUNICATION BETWEEN BIRTH AND ADOPTIVE PARENTS Section. The thread is called Jealous of Relationship. It might be helpful to you, as it's got some interesting viewpoints from both sides about that communication.

I have an open adoption and I would say that my only concern is that my daughter's birthmom may not respect my daughter's timing in knowing about adoption and her. Right now my daughter is only 2 yrs old and she plays and laughs with her bmom when she see her, but sometimes she (bmom) wispers in her ears for a long time and I personally do not like that (just if an extranger were wispering in her ears - I would not allow it - Is the feeling I get like If I need to protect her) I think (and it is only a thought) that sometimes she is wispering to her that she is her mom (you know, intimately we do not use the terms adoptive mom or birthmother) because my daughter turns and looks at me like if she is trying to understand something; due to that reason, I backed-out for a while until things settled and we started visiting again. I have spoken to her about letting her (my daughter) be the one who give us the signs and ask us questions. Sometimes I "sence" that my daughter's bmom is so "eager" to make sure that she (daughter) understans who she is, and forgets that this understanding will come with time and patient. I am very open about adoption and teach my daughter the words "adoption", "birthmom" etc. but I don't want her to be confused. I don't want to put a label on her as an "adopted child" she is my daughter period, and she is very furtunate to have this other person (bmom) who loves her very much! Sorry, for this long reply, but it is important to me as a parent (not only bparent) that is I who clarifies things to my child not the only way around. P.S. I do believe that I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter's bmom, and it is not because I want to but because I love my daughter. So, be patient as we amothers grow in love our heart opens.

I agree sometimes it has abosolutely nothing to do with the birthparent being good enough or doing the right things. Sometimes it just takes an adoptive parent some time to feel comfortable with the reality of living in an open adoption. To be honest the idea of birthparents being VERY involved in my kids lives especially as they get older is a scary thing for me. It's not one that i ever considered LONG term. As I believed (and birthfamily knew) that we would be moving out of state shortly after her adoption. Now almost 3 years later we realize we are still here...and with a recent choice we had to make to stay in the military we are pretty much gauranteed to stay where we are for the next 4+ years. While our relationship with the birthparents over these last 3 years is improving slowely day by day....there are still concerns...but nothing new or terrible that would be reason to cut off contact. But this new knoweledge/realization that we may be in this for the long hall has me scared to death...and wondering if this was really the right decision for our family. So my reluctance and nervousness NOW has nothing to do with the birthfamily being "good enough" or because of something terrible they have done. Hopefully they will be patient with me as I first come to grips with the fact that we are still here...something I really didn't want to happen and then second, come to accept that her birthfamily WILL be an active part of her life as she gets older....more than I had ever expected. We may need to find a balance that will work better for us...which may change the frequency of the visits etc... but they will still be a part of our lives for a very long time and in a way if i do feel I need to make changes..I hope they will understand WHY...I need to do it and not think it's about them....but rather my family as a whole.

Mom2, On the one hand, I think if you need to - be upfront with the bfamilies and let them know that is WHY you are making the decision, and reassure them it's not because of decisions they have made. I know that this is what you are talking about, and I think that's the most fair way to address the situation. On the other hand, it's just so disheartening to know that in such a situation there isn't anything I (or any bparent) could do to allow ourselves to maintain a certain level of contact. It reminds me of the "it's not you, it's me" kind of breakups...I hate those.... This isn't aimed at you specifically AT ALL so please don't take it the wrong way.

[QUOTE=mom2GRLC] So my reluctance and nervousness NOW has nothing to do with the birthfamily being "good enough" or because of something terrible they have done." Thanksgiving, I know your post wasn't directed at my situation....but as I was trying to respond...and realizing after an hour of writing and re-writing what I was trying to say I realized that the above statement I wrote is not true. It's true in the sense that when i wrote it i was thinking of nothing NEW happening in our relationship that is completely terrible that the birthmother has done.....but after pondering it more.... In my situation..... My reluctance NOW.....actually has EVERYTHING to do with ALL We've been through in the past to MAKE this relationship work. It's been a HUGE struggle and there have been MAJOR mountians to climb all the way through...and MOST of those issues DID have to do with the birthparent not acting appropriately, not sharing even basic info about birth/family/medical history, projecting her sadness and dissaproval onto my dd, not accepting responsibility for her own action, blaming others, resenting me and seeing me as the enemy who is keeping her away from her daughter etc etc... So I can't say this has nothing to do with her birthfamily because it does...it has everything to do with how difficult this relationship has been and that my only REAL....hope that kept me going was KNOWING....there would be an end...knowing that when we moved things would finally be the way we had hoped and planned...and knowing that all of our hard work would have been worth it in the end....because we had a relationship to build on once we moved. But that's not happening now. We aren't moving. There is no end in sight. (I'm not meaning END...as in cutting off contact...just slowing it way down and having most of our contact be written...like we have always intended it to be. Where the birthfamilies were a PART of our life...but not ALL of our life. (since we have NO family around here...they see birthfamily members more than they see our own family members). So maybe my situation wasn't the best example. because it's certinaly not a "it's not you ..it's me" situation. While I do feel for those birthmom's that were promised contact and still have to live with that fear that there is nothing they can do to ensure a certian level of contact. I think for situations like mine....it just comes with the territory. There's just no way around it. And for situations like yours....were no contact was even discussed before or at the time of placement....and yet some contact is offered by pictures or e-mails or whatever...I think they should be looked at as extra blessings. It's one more picture that you didn't have....one more update that you may have never known about. That's the way I saw it in my situation as well...and I know the birthgrandma felt the same way....it's one more kiss, one more hug, one more glance at her sweet little grand child that she might not have seen...It's a blessing to be cherished, and to be grateful for the things you do have not consumed with the things you don't have. I know our daughters birthmom did not see it in that way. But it would have been a lot more pleasant, healthy, attainable if she had. Maybe I wouldn't be in the same position I am today...wondering how this will work long term....and wether it's healthy for my child/family. Maybe we would be in a completely different situation....but I can't dream about that....I have to face our past, our reality and what our future might hold.

First of all, thank you for knowing I wasn't trying to attack you or anyone in particular, just using the example you provided. I understand your clarifications.I see what you're saying about "extra blessings" - and in the beginning that's definitely how I saw it! Of course I absolutely cherish the pictures I get of A and am so grateful that I receive this, something I never expected to get!Having said that, when promises aren't fulfilled, even if they weren't originally part of the package, I feel that I still have a right to be hurt. When my letters go unanswered for months, it gets much harder to stay cheery and think "If I ever hear back at all that's a blessing."

I might get myself into hot water by saying this but those so called "little blessings" someone referred to in their post makes me think of the whole mentality of "shut up, don't complain, be grateful for what you have". While I think we all need to be grateful for what is in our lives, I think it's a way of dismissing birth/first mom's pain, etc. Just my opinion.

I agree TG. I am soooo grateful for every little thing a-mom shares with me, and I do feel blessed knowing that my child is happy and healthy and we have that avenue to communicate. That is probably why it hurts that much more when I'm promised an update and it never comes. And that makes me feel slighted and unimportant, like I'm a "burden". And I think I'm entitled to feel that way at times, whether or not that was the intention.

Tara, I agree 110% with you. Why do we have to be grateful for an occasional picture or letter of the child we gave birth to and then made the best decision we could for them????? Don't get me wrong, I was thankful for the letters and pictures that I got, and I am sure they were thankful for the chance to raise their son, but to be made feel like they did me a favor? NO, and for me to ever make them feel like I did them a favor would be just as wrong. I made a decision with my son's best interest at heart and I THOUGHT that when they agreed to a semi-open adoption they too were doing what was in his best interest, not because they were doing me a favor!

I totally agree with you Tara, so if you're in hot water, you've got company!I can feel so thrilled and grateful to have updates and pictures while at the same time negotiating my grief.And I'm with you too Brown...I understand when people don't intend that their actions will illicit a certain feeling, but they're MY feelings and you can't tell me that what I feel is wrong....I can't control them (and don't I wish I could! :hissy:)

[FONT="Century Gothic"]You won't get into hot water from me. I am thinking the same thing with the ways things are going. I finally told E that, well, I told her "They got what they wanted. They wanted me to be a stranger to my own daughter and they have it." I also feel it is a way to dismiss us. :loveyou: [/FONT]

(((LEIGH))) This is so sad to me. It should not be a "power struggle" or a "control issue". It's an open adoption. If the aparents are that insecure that they can't follow through with the arrangement to honor your place in DD's life and their committment to you being an active part of it then DONT ENTER INTO AN OPEN ADOPTION IN THE FIRST PLACE! They could have found a match with another e mom who wanted a semi open/closed and you could have had another match with aparents who truly wanted an OA and everyone would have been happy. Especially J. I may get in to hot water for saying THAT, but I'm sorry, it just makes me mad! (((LEIGH))))

Thank you Tara. And it also takes away from who is supposed to be the real beneficiary of an open adoption... the child. Birthparents and adoptive parents establishing a good relationship benefits the child and and a good relationship is based on reciprocity and considering each others' needs, not just being grateful for whatever is thrown your way.