Open Adoption Blog/ How ethical did adoptive parents find their adoption to be?

For my youngest...parenting would not have been an option for a 14 year old girl...in foster care herself...battling her own addictions. I think she was treated very well during the times she WAS in various foster homes and not running from them. Given her other option of living in her own mother's meth house...it was great that she has the resources to be able to get the treatment she did to get clean. As for Bug...he was his parent's 2nd child lost to their addictions. They didn't even TRY to get clean or find housing. At 3 months old she just stopped coming for visits all together. to this day she hasn't even asked about him although she knows her sister has contact with us. I think she was given every chance she could be given...but in the end she didnt try at all. So, in both our cases, parenting never would have been an option. As far as ethics...hindsight...they were treated better than they deserved. It would be nice to be able to tell my son one day that his parents gave their best to TRY...but they didnt.

I think ours was treated very well. She's developmentally disabled, from an intact family, w/ parents who cared about her. They were all a part of the decision process, but gave her the option of trying to parent with their help. I don't think anyone thought it would have been the best thing for her or for H, as she's unlikely to ever live independently, but they gave her room to make the decision. She was offered counseling, and I continue to encourage her to get it through an area support group. We hired a separate attorney for her to talk through her options, and at the end of the day, her family made the decision for her parents to assume guardianship over her (she's over 18, but legally incompetent) We paid that attorney's bill, but M was her client. She continues to participate in activities through the agency and with us, got lots of follow up from them, and was treated well in the hospital. The hospital SW encouraged her to do some feedings (she didn't want to) and to visit the nursery and/or have H in her room. I think the support she got from her parents and from the agency was terrific, and she seems to be adjusting pretty well. All I have is my own perspective, but I was just really happy w/ the process and in conversations w/ M, she seems pretty pleased as well. Our coordinator was great, a very caring woman who continues to be a support to both M and her family and to us.

Thanks to those who have commented this far. It sounds like you have similar situations to those of my oldest two children. Part of what made me ask the ethics question is what is discussed so often at the blogs, that undercurrent of an idea from some, that ANY infant placement would have had to have some high level of coercion, because the bio parents (almost always) could have parented. The talk is also that almost ALL placing parents are great together people with few issues and could have simply raised their child, that is if someone had not convinced them otherwise. While I DO believe many b-parents had the potential to do a good job parenting, I also believe many (many) who place have a variety of issues that would prevent them from parenting, many like those you all have mentioned. I am having trouble understanding why people refuse to believe that dysfunction is such an issues in many placing families, and not temporary lack of funds, support, or being single or young.

I think some of that (certainly not all) may be the great clarity of hindsight. But I also sometimes wonder if birthparents who placed are more together and wise now because they had this painful life experience? Do they make choices more deliberately now? Exercise more control over their lives because of what happened? That which does not kill us makes us stronger... I read THE GIRLS WHO WENT AWAY, and have read about some pretty awful treatment of birthmothers on these boards. I'm apalled at some of the things that happen to birthmothers. However, I certainly don't buy into any idea that all adoptions are unethical or the result of coercion, or that all birthparents could have raised their own children.

I noticed the only replies on this thread so far have been emphatic about the ethicality of their particular adoptions. Perhaps only those who feel this way are responding and so you may be getting a "skewed" picture. That said, however, I am also one of the emphatic ones about the clear ethicality in the adoption of my son. Birthmom was 14 at birth, in quite a bit of trouble emotionally, legally, etc. Her family was positive that they would not participate in the raising of her child. So I offered her the opportunity to come to my house and I would help her raise her own child. She said no, she wanted us to adopt. In the hospital she spent long hours and two days discussing with both a social worker and her own attorney her decision to place. She was subsequently awarded state-appointed attorneys while she was in juvy, one of which included a Guardian ad Litem just for her since she was still a juvenile. She ended up with 5 state-paid-for attorneys (FAR more than I could afford). She could not parent as she was in lock-up. She could not parent as she had emotional problems including more than one involuntary commitment. She could not have parented because she eventually ended up in a group home, and then went on to drop out of high school, had no job, etc. She is just now a legal adult and my son is 5 years old. She is still unable to parent due to her actions subsequent to the adoption (still contested). She has won every motion, every hearing, every trial, except one. She has been given every opportunity to parent, visit, receive calls, pictures, everything. She then refuses them and uses those to file more motions against me son (including one to have him placed in Foster Care because she could not parent; this one we won). No, my adoption was not ethical. It was not ethical because we, the adoptive parents, have had OUR legal rights trampled. But no one - ever - could or can say that the birthmom has not been given every possible resource and legal avenue to parent her own child and she is still unable to do so. She is even unable and/or unwilling to participate in visitation, pics, or phone calls. HBV added an important point that perhaps these birthparents are more together and wiser now. Certainly I am sure there are those who are. My case is not one of those - but her lawyers have argued now for five years that one day she WILL be able to parent and at that time should be allowed to. So my case remains open - waiting I guess for her to get herself together - and in the meantime she has been unable to and our son is still with us. Who knows what the future holds? But I do know that I did not agree to babysit my child until the birthmother became ready to parent. I would have chosen foster care if I had wanted to go that route. For now we wait. And we wait longer. And my case remains pending and I wonder how long it will be before I can hold my son without fear. Thank you for asking this question and I apologize for the lengthiness (is that a word?) of my response.

Our son's birthmother had one son when she was 15. He was 8 months old when she became pregnant with DS. She delivered DS when she was 17. The boys do not share the same father. DS's bio dad signed the papers, and that's all he did. He didn't meet us, or DS, nor did he want his photo taken so we could show Jack who his bio dad was. At the time of birth, S was basically homeless - she, her son, mother, stepfather, and sister were living in one hotel room. The agency treated S badly. They kept leaning on her to get her medical records, even though they had their lawyers working on getting them - the doctor was not adoption friendly and refused to give the agency the records even though S had signed the appropriate forms. The day after Jack was born, the agency called S and apparently yelled at her about some of the stuff that the hospital had pulled the night before (long story).The attorneys we used in her state were professional, compassionate, nice guys. I know we always treated S with respect. We made sure that she knew, if she decided to parent, we wouldn't hate her. We'd be hurt, but DS was still her son until she chose otherwise. She couldn't have parented both boys. I believe that adoption has been a blessing for all of us.I've seen the arguments that people should "sponsor" birthmothers instead of "taking" their children. But not all people are able to parent their bio children. That's how I feel.:hippie:

We chose our agency because we felt it had several qualities that made it ethical: 1) the mission of the agency is to counsel pregnant women, not to "find" children for adoptive families. 2) adoptive parents and parents considering adoption have seperate counselors, so each has an advocate in the process 3) extensive counseling is required for all a parents and are highly encouraged for all bparents. Bparents are encouraged to make a parenting plan...meaning fully looking into their options to parent the child before chosing adoption 4) the agency has been around for 80 years and was a pioneer in open adoption 5) all fees are flat and paid into a general pool so there is not a "financial arrangement" between aparents and bparents. 6) the bmom of our son told us she was never pressured into making an adoption plan. In fact, after she chose adoption she felt a little annoyed that her counselor continued to talk to her about parenting as an option 7) best of all the agency is one of very few that has an onsite nursery staffed by nurses and "baby cuddlers" where babies can stay indefintely in case birthparents are still struggling with whether to place a child with an adoptive family. This means potential adoptive parents do not have to bring a child home before papers are signed only to have the child taken away. 8) our son's bmom said she was prepared o sign relinquishment papers but the agency would not let her because she seemed too distressed. They wanted her to wait until she was sure. She signed a week later. She told us that week gave her time to begin to accept her decision. 9) the postadoption servcies at our agency are excellent

I am so sorry that you are going through this, ChristiS. I have to agree with you. Open adoption is not all peaches and cream. We gave it a shot and it worked in our favor. Our birthparents are smart, articulate and know that this was the right decision for them. It made it easier for us and we continue to have a good relationship with them. On the other hand, we have seen many open adoption go sour...too many people giving advice to the birthmoms and dads which made it pure hell for the adoptive parents. If we had experienced that, we would have thrown in the towel. The heartache and constant fear is not right for such generous and loveable adoptive parents to go through. They are opening their hearts, their homes and their lives for these children. Birthparents are given the opportunity to parent once the baby is born. If they can not handle it at that point, they can not come back once all the nurturing and the sleepless nights have ended or when they are finally ready to become an adult with responsibility. We live in a state that is not adoptive parent friendly. The birthparents have more rights, like requesting visits, contact whenever they like, etc.I have to say, I would be devasted if the birthparents came back and took our daughter away at this point. I live in fear just waiting for our final termination hearing...scheduled for July 16th. The birthmom already asked to see the baby before that date. The meeting went well, although your fears are never alleviated.Maybe I missed the mark here in my response...but all I have to say, please do not make open adoption glamourous giving people the wrong message. Many adoptive parents, like ChristiS, have been trampled on over and over. We have witnessed this time and time again.Thanks for allowing me to voice my opinion.