Help PLease.....a question for adoptive parents long story.

[FONT="Times New Roman"][/FONT] I have been posting all over this site for the last 3 weeks or so, and have had many wonderful replies from people in my postion, but this question can (I think_)only be answered by adoptive parents....... We had an open adoption but it was 24 years ago and they were oh so new at the time and there really was no where to go for guidance for anyone. I was given no counseling. I met the a parents once before my son was born, and we agreed then that J would choose whether or not he wanted to meet me when he got older. We kept in touch by phone over the years and they sent me photos and we always seemed to have a good relationship. When he was 11 months old they came to the little town I lived in bringing J, and I gave them a quilt I had made for him......... I stayed out of their lives because I felt I didn't want to interfer with their parenting, and I didn't want to confuse J he was a child.....I didn't want to divide his loyalties. I would do it oh so differently now, but hind sight is 20/20, and like I said 24 years ago we were feeling our way in open adoptions. I was just glad to know where he was, that he was a he (some bmoms never know the sex of their child) he was being raised by folks who doted on him, he was bright and happy..... Well, I have moved back into the area that they live (I used to live here and always loved it) and when I knew that's what I was going to do, I googled his name and found him on an art site....he was a photographer, photoing bands, genes are amazing, that's what I was doing when he was born. I joined the site and left him a few messages. they were picked up but none of the ones later were and I never heard from him. When I got here I found an email address for his aparents. and promptly got a note off to his amom. She got right back to me with the information that J didn't want anything to do with me at all, and that he was going through a very rough time and was depressed and seeing a therapist,but that it had nothing to do with the adoption. I figured that about his not wanting anything to do with me when I didn't hear back from him, but it still hurt unbelievably to actually find out my suspicions about that were true. The pitiful thing is that all these years, I have been rosily picturing my son and I being good friends when he grew up...... And when I found out he also was a photographer....I was tippy toe dancing about it! He had evidenced concern about me when he was a child, so it came as a severe blow that he had changed his attitude towards me when he grew up. I hadn't a clue that this would happen, if anything, ny clue was that he would like to meet me...OH and when he was about 16, there was even talk about his coming down to LA Shirley thought it would be nice for him to meet my mother. Nowadays however, there are lots of books and sites on the internet like this. And I have been reading oh so much lately, it has become an obsession with me I am spending many hours a day reading about adoption and its affects on all parts of the triad. The last email I got from Shirley was a couple of hours ago, and she says she tryed to bring up the subject of me again and he was just as firm in his rejection. She further said that he was still in deep emotional trouble and hadn't picked up a camera since Dec. BUt what got me was that she said she promised him that they would keep his problem in "the immediate family" Am I not part of that? I am the birthmother, I cannot think of anything more immediate than the mother who gave birth to you. Please don't take offence at that last remark, it is a cry of rejection and pain. The question I have is this.....I would like to know when he started to change his attitude about me, and also, how was I brought up in conversations over the years. did they subject of me come up at all?? Do I have a right to know these things? I want to know how come he went from caring about me to not wanting to have anything to do with me, and why. Part of me is so upset that we made that agreement that he could choose whether or not he wanted to meet me when he got older (though now it is moot, he's 24) One of the things that no one tells you as a birth mother is that it gets harder and harder to be apart from your child as the years go by. Now mind you I have nothing but respect and admiration for his Aparents, we used to say, it's your doing that he's such a great kid, you're raising him no he's such a great kid cause he has such great genes. I don't want to hurt their feelings, or cause a rift between us (J doesn't want S to be in touch with me at at all, she isn't obeying him) as the only news I have about him comes from her. and I don't believe anything they did was to purposefully try to alienate him from me. but if I knew what had been going on or not going on about me maybe I could find some peace. Oh I am not giving up on him......I hope with every fiber of my being that he will change his mind about me, that has been known to happen especially with boys. BUt I am going through hell right now and everything that makes it more understandable helps a little bit and every little bit helps........ Would you be open to the kinds of questions I want the answers to? Please advise Thanks for taking the time fo read this, it seems that nothing in my life has ever been simple and a one paragraph explanation! Thanks again Sally