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I encouraged my sister to relinquish her 2 boys at around the ages of 4 and 6. She was leading a troubled life and just could not offer them a safe upbringing. I was coping with a chronic illness and found myself also woefully unable to help. My mother tried, but could not. It was a painful time, but I think it best that the boys found their way into a loving home with someone who could take care of them. Now one of the boys, in his early 20's, wants to re-unite with my sister and her family of origin, which means me. As it turns out, he is getting married and is going to be a father. All the sadness of that time has come back to me and I wonder what now is my responsibility to this young man, his wife and child, and his brother for that matter. I do not feel particularly connected; I do not know them. Can you give me any advice as to what my role and responsibility is?
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I guess I am wondering why you do not want to get to know them. Obviously it was a painful time, but you have an opportunity to re-connect and possibly heal some of the pain that the separation caused. As you were one of the people that encouraged your sister to relinquish, I do believe that you have a responsibility to at the very least support your sister in reunion.
Yes, I have talked with my sister. She is quite happy about her reunion and I do support her in this. I am just wondering how I can have a meaningful relationship with this "nephew". What can I do to foster the reunion? What steps can I take to become part of this person's life? What is my role? These kinds of questions are popping up for me. And I appreciate your comments.
Really you have no responsibility towards your nephews, but they are your nephews. Are you afraid of what they might want from you?
Forging these relationships are hard. There are no rules and there are so many expectations. Do what you heart tells you. Start slow. Remember that you were a big part of their life before being placed for adoption - they may need to get to know you a little.
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I think it's one of the things we all struggle with, no matter who we are in the triad, what is our 'role'.
I personally decided to not sweat it so much, and just let it evolve. Who knows what it can become!
I guess my advice to you is just relax, don't worry so much about defining your role at this point in time. Support of others is always a good place to start! Your role will be whatever you want it to be, whatever naturally happens, nothing wrong with playing it by ear!
My first contact with any biological relative was with my birth aunt (my birth mother's sister). She and I started off talking all the time, emailing frequently, etc. As my relationship with my birth mother evolved, my aunt really took a back seat. I think she too is struggling with what her role is...but I adore her as a person and have told her that we should enjoy our time together as two adult women that like each other and continue building our relationship based on that. The focus of our relationship no longer revolves around adoption, but on shared interests and a comfortable bond. I agree with what the others said: 1) Make sure your and your sister are on the same page so no one's toes get stepped on and 2) Just enjoy getting to know your nephew. Things kind of find their own place in their own time. Make sure to keep those communication lines open with your nephew and sister. There may be some awkward (but necessary) conversations, but I believe that is essential to a successful reunion. At least it's working for me. :) Good luck to all of you!