Father's Day Question

Josh won't be here this year so I'm feeling particularly grumpy. I do find myself think of Munchkin's birth father quite a bit on the holiday, yes.

It's my first Father's Day post A, but I guess most of my energy spent this year on Mothers Day was spent trying to keep myself composed. Father's day I don't have that fear about. A's bdad is a father to a son he had with someone before me, who he is parenting. I always knew him as a father and became very close with his young son, as we spent the weekends with him. However, when I became pregnant he forbid me from having the baby and said that I needed to do what his ex refused to do and what he has never forgiven her for. He said he loves his son but hates that she put him in that position. I left. I've always wished him a happy fathers day, and strangely, this will be the first year I don't.

Jenna, I'm sorry Josh will be away. That kind of thing makes me grumpy too. John (my DH) has been absent most mother's Days for years.:hissy: TGM, it must feel strange not to be sending him Father's Day greetings. Sometimes it really bugs me how often men seem to take no responsiblity for their actions (Getting pregnant still isn't something a woman does by herself in most cases, artificial insemination excepted!).

Um, Me, but we know that already :rolleyes: Actually Fathers day for me was always harder than Mothers Day especially since one of the reasons I placed was that b-dad was having a hard time accepting the pregnancy and I was afraid once DD was born he would have a hard time accepting her. So while I allowed myself some time to accept my role within myself as a mother on Mothers Day, I would wonder if he considered himself a father on Fathers Day. I never asked him, since he really didn't talk about her, and when he finally did open up I was afraid to go there. I know he has a stepchild now, so I'm sure he is celebrated for that and may very well have bio children at this point, (which I 'd rather not know to be honest!) but it still touches off a sore spot. I still have some issues with seeing men, younger than or about our age, stepping up and raising their children, or stepping up and raising thier significant others children, since I still can't wrap my head around how b-dad initially did not step up. If he had we would have parented and I guess I still have a bit of a sore spot about that too.

I'm grateful that the only people I can wish a happy day to are my own father and Finleigh's adopted father. I'm not in contact with either of the possible biological fathers. I wish, though, that Finleigh's biofather was a good man, and I had been married, and we could have raised her and celebrated a first father's day. I guess what I'm trying to say is the holiday is bittersweet.

Krystal - I find most holidays to be bittersweet, including my birthday which I share with D. I must admit I don't think I ever considered sending J (bdad) a greeting on Father's Day. Browneyes, I can see why Father's Day is difficult for you.

Kathy, Here is a weird twist to the father's day thing. It is of course after father's day. I am the wife of a bio father. Bio daughter contacted him at age 31 for the first time, two years ago. There has been some intermittent communication via telephone and 2 face to face visits. Any how, the twist for me is how I feel upset on father's day by her contact with my dh because for the last 30 yrs before she surfaced it was only our children and our family. I feel invaded by a stranger during a time I feel should be private. I'm not processing the whole biological fact thing very well. It makes me angry that a tragic mistake two kids made 35 years ago supposedly can rearrange the birth order of my family. The effort put into father's and mother's day is to celebrate the effort mother's and father's give for their children. I don't know how appropriate it is just to celebrate a biological fact, when the effort was performed by someone else. It is a great struggle when it stirs up such emotional turmoil,to want to consider this a part of father's day in the traditional sense. Sorry for my anger, it is real though and so is the pain the whole situation causes.

To momof4or5 Wow dude - you truly have some healing you need to do. You cannot carry all this - it will eat you alive. Look for zxczxcasdasd - she is AMAZING!!! She is an amom who adopted her husband's son. He was like 17 or 18 when his son was born. Her son is only 16 years older than she is. She has come to research the whole triad and is a well respected member of the forum. I feel sorry for your husband's bchild, your husband, and for your children while you are dealing with all this like this.

Momof 4or5? The problem is that the "mistake" is a person, a human being. All of us live with the consequences of our actions. Unfortunately, you have to live with the consequences of your husband's past actions. I can't tell if you knew about his biodaughter prior to her "surfacing". Your anger is understandable: it's part of the grief process. One question, are you angry at your husband or his birthdaughter? The birthorder of your children remain the same... they are still your children with your husband. True the birthdaughter is his firstborn. The same kind of situation faces women whose husbands have children from an earlier marriage. This is a challenging situation for you. There is a need to grieve the way life was for 30 years and the way you thought it would continue. It sounds like she is in your life to stay, even if she goes away life has changed; remember you can choose how you will respond. Can you reframe the situation and find positives? Can your children's lives be enriched by having a sibling? Is your husband more at peace? (When I told one of my cousin's about finding my bson, she commented that it was finding a missing peace of my heart.) My reunion with D has been very interesting. I have discovered that the role of genetics affects things (like gestures) in ways that I never expected. I have tried very hard not to intrude on D's life with his family. That doesn't mean his mom is happy about it I guess. All that said, Father's Day may well always be a day of sadness for you. I hope that you can find peace though.

Father's day is an awesome day for me. I love my father. I try to make it great for my husband too. He loves being a father. I'm not angry at my dh's bd. We haven't dna tested yet. She may not even be his. If she is, of course there is nothing to angry at her for. I'm not angry at my dh. I love him. The circumstances though, I could do with out. The deceit of the bmom, I could do without. Whatever her reasons for not telling were don't matter any more. I guess all that matters in the end is that we are the family that we want to be. I was worried that would change but it hasn't. We will get through it together as a family and as a couple.