Need Help to stop child from hitting me

I would only add that we were not ALLOWED to "hold" our M in any way when she was violent, not even to stop her from hitting us (you don't need to tell me its ridiculous) I realize that your son is adopted so, you may no longer be under the watchful eye of an agency/county. But, in our county, we would have needed special written permission and training from our child's therapist to use any sort of hold since we are a "basic" level home (ahem.).

When my 4 yr old fd used to have tantrums, the safest place for her where she would not hurt herself was in her bedroom - I would stand inside the door, not giving her any communication until she had calmed down (I used to stay with her to make sure she didn't harm herself in anyway). During these times she often used to hit/kick me and when she did, I would step outside the room, shutting the door so she could still see me but not touch me until she had calmed down a bit, then would go back into the room. My SW told me she did not agree with me leaving the room but I said I didn't feel it was right to stand there and let her kick/hit me as this gave her a very wrong message - I therefore asked my SW for some other methods I could use since she didn't approve - she couldn't give me any!! I spoke with the child's SW about what I was doing and she didn't bat an eyelid! so I continued with my method and soon the kicking/hitting stopped.

What did you do when this happened in a public place? My son is doing it more and more in public settings and it is difficult as he is already making a horrible scene.

When my son was young and we had major, major tantrums, if we were out, I would leave the store we were in and we would go sit in the car. (a few times we went home, but he seemed to like to throw them when I had driven an hour to get to a bigger store, as we live in a very small town) I would fasten him into his carseat and get into the front and start the car, and turn the radio up. Sometimes we just sat there and sometimes I drove around. (if a lot of people were staring at us) When he calmed down we tried again. But when he started again, we would just leave the cart and walk out right away, sometimes the shock would be enough to calm him down before we got very far. After a while just asking him if he needed to go to the car was enough.

I agree with all the above advice and here's one more ... Next time you are going somewhere, surprise your little tantrum thrower with a babysitter ... no warning, just smile at him and tell him you are not sure he is strong enough to manage not to have a tantrum at the store ... and then be SURE and return home eating an ice cream cone or some other PERK for those who CAN maintain themselves. When you do decide to give him a chance, go on to the store but have your babysitter on notice so if (read: when) he does test you again, you are prepared. He leaves the store with the sitter, you go for ice cream.

One of the biggest mistakes I've made in parenting is NOT calling the police when a child does something illegal. I always want to be the good mommy and deal with it myself. That was a big mistake. When my adoptive son was six yrs old (now 10 yrs old) he was hitting and kicking me, and I was advised to call the police. I had a letter from his therapist stating the he was RAD and that RAD kids often make false allegations of abuse. With this in hand, I called the police and told them what was going on and asked them if they had an officer who was knowledgeable in the games that RAD kids play. They sent a wonderful man named Officer Black, who's name still brings a look of respect and surrender to my son's face. Officer Black was wonderful in deed... walking in to my son's bedroom a towering six feet of authority and in a booming voice asked him, "What's going on here son?" He told my son what the law was regarding violence, as well as what a great Mom he thought I was, and that he would not tolerate my being physically abused for as long as he was on the force. My son believed him and it ended that problem. He finds other ways of lashing out, but no more physical violence. I also told him that if he ever hurts my dog or cat, I will call the police again, as it is illegal... and I will.

I tried calling the police that ended in a horrible phone conversation claiming the police were not there to coparent. I was informed that if they came out I would be the one in trouble, I should either learn to parent my kids or send them back to fostercare. ANother time in public I had the police called to intervene with a dogooder screaming I was abusing my child. I had to hold her in a restraint on the floor to protect myself and other children. The officers that came out were fantastic and once I showed them the letter I carry from their therapist they competely understood.My son is violent and does a run up and kick me thing that is knows will get him to be held. I swear that is is goal when he is feeling out of control.

I think tudu just hit the nail on the head with that one. It is when they are feeling out of control that the rages and the violence is the worst. They have no idea how to get themselves under control, so they lash out at Mom, because they know that when they hurt her she will definately take charge and get them under control. My son use to lash out a lot. I read the book The Explosive Child by Dr Ross Greene (I swear, I should get a percentage of his royalties as I recommend this so often). The book helped me learn how to step in as his surrogate frontal lob before he completely lost it. I was even able to teach the techniques to my older (bio) son. We have been able to curb the violent attacks. In fact, even though he still rages, still melts down, I cannot remember the last time he attacked either me or ds. By the way, tudu, I have read a lot of your posts and I think you are remarkable. God bless you.

poor you!! I feel for you. When my daughter came to us at 18 months she was very angry and very violent. She was however much younger than your boy and we dealt with her anger day by day. I can now say, almost two years later, that she is a mostly happy child although somewhat emotionally challenged :) (She is a big drama queen) I tried to hold her but she would head butt me very hard and if I held her baby cradle she would kick and bite so many times I would just put her in her crib and let her tantrum while I watch silently. This way I could keep her from harming herself and others BUT she was only a toddler and I feel being younger helped her.

Oh Tudu, I'm so sorry you got that reaction from the police, although I'm not surprised at all. I was so lucky to get Officer Black. You deserve so much more support and back up than you seem to be getting. Well, there's lots of great advice on the forum for you. I hope some of it applies well to your situation. Maybe you could find an officer that DOES understand, even if you have to educate him yourself ahead of time, and have him on board in case of a future incident.. which is bound to come up, right? You could even get a copy of the laws regarding violence and educate your child in the repercussions of his actions. Man I hope the child didn't hear what the officer's attitude was.. that you should learn to parent or put him in fostercare... How incredibly disempowering was that?! As far as holding, I wasn't emotionally capable of doing the holding thing.. it triggered my own abuse issues, even though I KNOW it isn't abuse to do it and I totally support parents that do that, but my heart would race and I just couldn't be calm. Most of the time, I would just be unfindable when he got violent, hiding behind a closet door or something until he calmed down and got bored with the whole thing... Or I would go outside the front door.. but always where I could see him and keep him safe... If he started destroying property, then that changed things to where I had to put him in his room and I just had to stay out of arms reach of him, sometimes using large pillows held out in front of me to protect myself. And i'd call a friend to come over, which always made him stop as well as he wanted to be seen as wonderful and charming to strangers. I hope you're doing better and figuring this part of the problem out for yourself and your family. I'll be thinking of you.

Thank you guys for posting. It is so good to hear about others who are going through similar things. My child seems to go in bouts, every three months or so we have a month that is all out war from her (does anyone know if this is normal for RAD). Each time they get more violent. This last time we started doing holding (under counseling suggestion) and I have to agree that it seems that she does like that we are intervening and helping her calm down. We also started something (within the last 2 weeks) that seems to help her. She is 4 1/2 and loves to be able to do things on her own. So we put a small carpet down in her room and when we see that she is starting to show signs that she may have a melt down we tell her "when you get angry where can you go to get yourself calm?" And about 90% of the time (so far) she goes into her room (with a hilarious hip rolling arms folded stride with her eyebrows furrowed) sits or lays or even stands on the carpet does some breathing and manages to get herself calmed back down. She then comes out and lets us know that she is calm again and ready to do whatever it was that was going to set her off. We heartily congratulate her efforts. If she is not able to go there on her own then we help her there (she usually won't go because she is already too far gone emotionally and has already began hitting or kicking things) then after she is calmed she has 5 minutes mommy regulated time. We shall see, we seem to have past the battle month again and these things will probably work until the next battle month.

Here is what I would do next time: Grab his arm ("hitting is not allowed!"), but immediately GIVE HIM WORDS for his feelings... "YOU"RE ANGRY!! PUT IT INTO WORDS!!!" Help get him started "I'M ANGRY BECAUSE.... If he says something vague like "Because you're MEAN!" follow that statement with specific words that actually describe the event that is affecting him (he won't be able to do this part right now on his own, but after a few times, he will learn how to describe what is bothering him specifically). Ex, "I'm ANGRY because you told Billy he had to go home and we were having so much fun!" Then, I would sincerely acknowledge his feelings. "Ya, that is tough when we are right in the middle of doing something fun and it has to stop." (when a person feels that their feelings have been heard, they are more likely to cooperate) Then, if he's calm, I would go into some problem solving (prevention for next time). If he's too keyed up right then, I would wait until later, when we are both just relaxed and hangin' out. I would say, "I was thinking about what happened earlier, and how upset you were. I'm wandering if we might be able to come up with an idea or two that would make it easier to handle next time Billy has to leave... (try to get him to help come up with some ideas. He will more likely follow a solution plan that he helped with) Advantages: You gave words to your childs feelings; you helped him in learnig how to express himself in an effective way; you acknowledged what he was feeling (which is a big step towards getting cooperation); and, last but not least, you are ROLL MODELING how to effectively problem solve! These are all important LIFE SKILLS. Don't forget, after you all try out your new plan, you need to get together and evaluate the effects of it. If it fell apart - go back to the drawing board. There are some wonderful books on Effective Communication and Problem Solving Skills. One that I love is: "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish It is very easy, understandable reading. I highly recommend it.

The caps confuse me - are you advocating screaming/talking loudly at the child? If I tried grabbing my teenager I would definitely get hit and possibly seriously hurt - this might work with a small child. JMO, I don't believe in putting myself in harm's way or setting my child up for a dangerous situation. I've always been told to let them or to help them regulate back down to a calmer state - then see if you can help them process the feeling(s). The child needs to learn to operate from a calmer state anyway. Our AS has been in therapy for 4 yrs - he knows the drill, but that still doesn't mean he will talk about his feelings like this. He has to calm down and process it himself before he will possibly even share anything with us. We use this technique at therapy with our attachment therapist - they are trained to use it. At home, it looks a little dangerous to me. again , just my opinion.....from the vantage point of a 15 yr. old 150 lb. child.....Fran

I think she was just using caps instead of quotation marks to emphasize which words, I don't think she meant to scream the words at the child. I beleive the child in the OP was a small child, and the child was hitting mom already. So in this instance holding the child's hand to stop them from hitting mom, is not only doable but also as you said, avoiding harm for mom. An older child in an out of control rage is a different thing. A lot depends on the child and thier size and thier level of control. Some kids can be brought under control by physical contact. We have a boy at church who has been through several homes and is probably RAD. He is greatly calmed by my hand on his shoulder. It is enough to keep him from loosing it many times. My youngest son on the other hand, will escalate if I try to touch him when he is angry. He does better calming himself first and then I can touch and hold him.

Sorry, I didn't mean to confuse anyone. (I'm glad you asked). The caps were not meant to say I would be screaming, or even talking loudly. But, I would strongly emphasize the words. In other words, I would not be using a calm, soothing voice when someone is about to hit me! The OP was dealing with a 5 yr. old. At that age, I would automatically grab their arm if they tried to hit me. You're absolutely right, I would never, ever try to grab an arm of an older child. That really would be dangerous. I would be keeping distance between us! In actuality, the goal would be to diffuse the situation before it ever reached that point in the first place. If a child was having trouble finding the words to properly express themselves in a constructive manner, I would be offering some words to describe their feelings and help them effectively state what they might be wanting to say. "I've always been told to let them or to help them regulate back down to a calmer state - then see if you can help them process the feeling(s). The child needs to learn to operate from a calmer state anyway." Yes, exactly, but the question then becomes, "How do you do that? What is the best way to regulate down to a calmer state?" What do you (yourself) do at a moment when you are so upset about something you think you're going to burst!?! Before reading any further. Really give it some thought. How do you "regulate down"? I can only answer for myself, (but my guess is, my answer is the most popular answer), if no-one is home, it's straight to the phone!! (I call my husband, my mom, my friend, somebody). I TALK to someone who I feel will LISTEN. SOMEONE (ANYONE), except for the person that I am upset with. I can not effectively deal with that person, or any situation, while I am this upset! Someone, who will allow me to express myself. To get it out!!! I do not wait until I'm calm to call them - that is the very thing that helps calm me down. When someone says, "Really? Wow! That must have been rough!" (My internal temperature starts on it's way down). If I were to call someone and they told me to "calm down first and then call me back". I would probably fly thru the roof. I would definitely know that this is not a person I can count on at moments like this in my life. Once I am calm, and only then, will I be able to further analyze the situation and recognize what were the real feelings that caused me to be so angry (Something scared me, embarrassed me, hurt me....? I felt I was treated unfair?....). It is not until then, when I am calm and recognize where my real feelings came from, that I can start to process how I might effectively handle this situation. (Which is important to teach our kids). If you answered the question, "I start vigorously cleaning" or "I go for a walk"....I'm curious.... is your mouth moving the whole time? :-) Are you venting to the air? I would be! :-) I don't think children are any different. The best way to start to calm down is to be able to express yourself and have someone understand the feeling. Then you can go from there.