What should I ask?

First, understand you'll all be nervous, and that's normal and OK. I'd spend time getting to know each other - what are their interests, what do they enjoy doing, do they come from large family/small family? Things like that. Do your best to get a feel for each other. Remember, if you do place, and place with them, you're going to be connected to each other forever. Plus, your child is part of you and will share personality aspects with you. So, if you don't like them as people, how will your child feel if you place with them?Here are some things to watch out for:1. A family that tells you how much contact they want after the birth then change it when you tell them it is different than you need. Ideally, they should want MORE contact than you do. Gives the relationship room to grow as it progresses. 2. A family that makes demands rather than requests.3. A family that does not return your emails or phone calls.4. A family that seems like they are desperate and will do anything to get your baby.Please do not ever feel you 'owe' a 'deserving' couple a baby, or that you are their only hope or chance. You owe them nothing, and there will be others who are interested in placing a child with them to raise. You've got to do whatever you feel is best for you and for your child, and even if that means deciding not to go through with a placement plan, you've got to follow that.You should be alert for any pressure, manipulation, anything that makes you feel like you should do this, must do this, or else. Run from that.Best,Regina

Thank you for replying. I am scared the family will change their minds after the placement, it just terrifies me. I'd much rather the family be honest with me about their intentions of how much contact there will be. I am also terrfied and am going to ask about, this. My son is autstic, I don't want my child to be raised in foster care, this is my biggest fear. So I am going to throw "if this child develops problems in the future, would you give the child up?" question in there.

I placed my son almost three months ago. In your case, here would be some things I would ask: What are their views on raising an autistic child? Are they ready for that commitment? Ask them about their contact comfort-level. Which forms are they open to? Emails, telephone calls, letters, pictures, visits? How often? What are their views on keeping the bmom in their lives and up-to-date? You would want a couple to understand your position and not be possessive and insecure about including you in their lives. If agreements are binding in your state, I would recommend doing so. Ask them about their views on education, discipline, and general parenting questions. Ask them their hobbies and interestes...these will influence how they raise a child. (Example: They love to read, therefore it's a pretty good assumption that books/reading will be a big part of your child's life) Ask them about future children, whether they want to adopt or not in the future, if that is important to you. I'm sure there's a LOT of other questions I would ask, but these are a few you could start with. I hope this helps! Feel free to pm me if you'd like.

I think your fears are valid ones. Given them, you might consider talking to prospective families who:1. Already have a child placed in an open adoption. Ask to speak to that child's biological family as well to see how it's going. These families have a proven 'track record' of demonstrating they're committed to an open adoption.2. Families who already have children placed with special needs or who have children at risk for special needs (children with drug exposure in utero, for example). These are families who were prepared to raise a child with a potential special need.3. Ask to speak to families/couples who have personal experience with autism - close family members, say, who are autistic. You may find families who have a sibling with an autism diagnosis, for example. Another area you might look at are families/couples who have experience in teaching special needs education, are speech/language therapists, etc. What's important for you is to not only voice the issue, but to do a 'sensibility check' on who would be fully ready to parent your child, no conditions and under any circumstance. It's also important to not just ask, but look for ways they've demonstrated their commitment. It's easy for someone who is anxious to be a parent to say "oh, no, never" - harder for them to do if they've got no experience or background. If they show one iota of reluctance, run. They're not the right ones for you.Best,Regina

When my husband and I started the adoption process our #1 fear was and still is that the birthmother will change her mind. Our agency told us that both birthparents and adoptive parents pretty much have the same concerns. Just remember they are just as nervous and scared as you. I know that when the day comes for us to meet our birthmother we will be a nervous wreck, but we will be truthful in answering any questions. Just try to be yourself, make sure your ?s are answered, and good luck with what ever you decide.