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Greetings to All...
Well, it's been just over six months since I found bson's profile on this web site. We've been communicating weekly via email, and it's been great. He's married with children and a very accepting and caring young man. We're planning our first F2F, which will tentatively happen in about two weeks.
There are always some hard questions to answer, and probably the most common one is: Why did you surrender/place me?
I was 18, and had the love and support from my family. The pressure I felt was from cultural judgment; in 1971, being a single parent was a bad thing, and I was a "bad" girl. The fear I felt was for my son... that he not be punished by society (and possibly by a couple extended family members) for being "illegitimate" (ugh! I know, I know). The desire I had was that he have a father, which was the only thing I could not give him.
Here is the complicating factor: My mother did not want me to surrender my son... in fact, it broke her heart and caused a huge rift between her and my dad (who stood behind my choice no matter what I decided because he felt it had to be *my* choice).
In the beginning phase of communicating with my bson, I was overwhelmed by emotions. Once I decided to "buck the system" (the closed era brainwashing of 'do not search or interfere'), my search only took 2 minutes and 2 seconds. I wasn't prepared at all. And perhaps stupidly, I rather blurted out in an email (our only form of communication thus far) that my mother did not wish me to surrender him. I didn't go into it any more than that, saying that it was a story for later on.
Well, later on is arriving in about two weeks. Aside from the actual surrender of my bson, the next most painful thing was how I hurt my mom. She and my dad are both deceased, for 13 and 20 years now. She always remembered him though, and talked about him on his birthdays.
She had asked me if she and my dad could adopt him, but I didn't think that was a good idea. They were the best ever parents, but I just couldn't take the idea that my son would know me as his sister -- and that's the way things were in the closed era. I could not handle my son calling her "mom." Maybe I was afraid of being manipulated and controlled, because even the best parents struggle with control issues. But, we never did talk about why I chose adoption as I didn't want to hurt her further by questioning her ability to be a good parent, which she was.
Now that I've already blurted out to bson that my mom did not want me to place, I know I have to revisit that comment. Although bson is a caring and mellow person, I'm afraid he will despise me for not letting my mom adopt him.
I need help to get through this. Like I said, aside from placing my son, the issue with my mom is the next most painful thing I've dealt with. I just wish she were still alive to be part of the reunion... I think I know what she must have felt because my daughter is a single mom and I just cannot fathom her placing her son, my grandson, for adoption. It would have killed me. I can't believe how much pain I've caused, and today I just hate myself...:grr:
Peace,
Susan
:(
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Wow Susan,
:grouphug:
I very much understand what you're talking about with your mom! I'm coming to realise that a lot of issues I'm having right now revolve around my mom. I'm wondering if the situation was pretty much the same as yours. It was 1985 for me, but same old closed era thing.
My dad felt like he needed to support my decision, I think my mom's feelings about not raising my bson herself are eating her up inside. I'm not positive though! But comments she makes.
However, I do feel like it was completely right to NOT let my parents adopt him. I was the baby, starting college, they were moving on to a new phase in their lives. A baby would have changed that. While I think my mom was willing to make that sacrifice (again I'm just guessing) I am pretty darn sure that my father was not. With that combo (which maybe is like what would have happened with you) I think it would have seriously messed up my birthson and messed up my relationship with my parents even more that it is already.
I guess I'm just trying to say, you did for many reasons. Please don't beat yourself up over the pain your mother experienced. I really don't think your son will have any negative feelings over the fact that your mom didn't want you to place. Plus the rift that your mom and dad had would have still been there if they'd adopted your son! Perhaps even worse.
Remember too, the options your daughter has, the feelings of society towards single moms...TOTALLY different than in 1971!!!
I just really want to be encouraging. It sounds like your son is a great guy so enjoy that! It will all be fine. I know it will.
Take care!
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(((((Susan))))) I'm going to share a little story with you that might help :) I was born in 1969. When my birth mother found out she was pregnant (father was not in the picture), she went home to discuss her options with her parents and her sister. Her sister, T, wanted to adopt me. She was married and "settled" and could provide for me in all the ways that my birth mother, K, wanted. However, with the social stigma of the time, K would not even entertain the idea. The mother that is really your aunt and the aunt that is really your mother and...nope. Just not acceptable in her eyes. And, she felt, more drama than was fair for me growing up in this "odd" situation. Plus, K worried that she would be heartbroken and/or try to interfere with T's parenting. She saw far less drama for herself and I if she placed me for adoption...and that's what she did. Fast forward 35 years...when I first found K through an intermediary, she refused contact. However, she did share enough information that I was able to find T on my own two years later. When I called T on the phone, she was overjoyed. She almost immediately shared with me that she had wanted to adopt me. It made me feel warm and fuzzy - WANTED - and sad at the same time. But I was never angry with K. Once K decided she would have contact with me (about two weeks after I found T), it came up in our first phone conversation. Again, I was not angry...perhaps a little reminiscent of what things might have been like, but not angry. However, the relationship between K and T has never been the same since I was born. I was never spoken of in their family until I came back into their lives. K says she wants to have a talk with T about that whole situation back then (over a few bottles of wine, perhaps)...she feels like it's time. I hope she goes through with it. It would be good for both of them to clear the air. Try not to assume that your son will be angry. I can understand why you are afraid. But he may feel like I did...that his birthfamily really did care about him and struggled with the decision to place. I wish your parents were still alive and could have the opportunity to heal from all of this. I hope you have a wonderful f2f, Susan!!! Try to think positively. :camo:
Susan...I'm an adoptee (not in reunion) and hoped you might benefit from my perspective. My bmom's parents would have raised me (they would not have been thrilled with it), in fact, they were already raising one of my cousins. I have no anger, or animosity about the situation. From reading the paperwork, I see that my bmom struggled with surrendering me, yet felt she was doing the best thing for me, and I'm sure for her parents. I've had a great life, and feel very blessed, and that started with her decision. I know there are adoptees who feel differently, but it sounds like your son accepts who you are, and maybe more importantly (no disrespect) who he is. I've had very little curiosity regarding why I was given up... even as a young child. I've had far more questions about who I came from, what similarities do we have etc... Enjoy your f2f. I hope it's all you want it to be!
Thanks for your responses Quantum and Irisheyes. I just needed some perspective...I'm having a hard time getting outside of my head on this one.
I've been putting together a memory book for my bson, "R". In some of the pics from when I was young and we lived in England, my mom had the swollen puffy look she got when she was pregnant (actually, toxemia). I knew that about that time she had a "miscarriage." I did not know until I spoke with my sister last month that she actually lost twin boys at 8 months along! My mom never talked about that, and I was too young to remember the details. I only knew she lost a baby. She told my sister because sis had gotten pregnant (9 years after I placed "R") and mom told her that she hoped sis would keep her baby. Sis kept her baby, but I never knew this story. Why don't we talk to each other in families?
It is sad how much my mom, as a generational thing, did not discuss much of the pain in her life. I wish she had told me, and I wish we had been able to talk about things. I guess neither of us wanted to cry. So, here I am providing enough tears for the both of us. I haven't had a good cry in awhile, so it seems that today is the day.
Thank you for your perspective, Irish, your words meant a lot. And Quantum, thanks for reminding me that today is a different time than the 70s. I'm glad to hear from those who can relate to my situation.
I guess I'm missing my mom and wishing she could be a part of this. She was a beautiful woman, who had a beautiful grandson. Perhaps she will touch his heart and help him understand. We all loved him so very much. It broke all of our hearts, but we all wanted the best life possible for him. It seems that he has had a good life, is happy, healthy, and lives with few regrets. That would have given her much comfort to know, as it has for me.
Thank you again for your words...
Peace,
Susan
:o
It does help so much to hear from adoptees who can relate. You are right, "R" does seem to feel comfortable with who he is. I think that because he accepts himself, he is able to accept me. His amom was great in that she told him about me and encouraged him to search for me.
Thank you for sharing your story with me... it does help.
Peace,
Susan
:o
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Susan,I hear what you are saying. My reasons for placing my son in 1973 were similar to yours. I'm not sure my mother ever quite forgave me. Mom would not have adopted D, she would have "helped" me with him until I finished college and got on my feet. I would however never truly have been his parent; mother would have taken over. My dad would have supported my decision regardless, but he felt adoption was the best decision. He recently told me that he was afraid he had presseured me. (I never felt that way.) My mother would have had at least a dozen children if she could, but she had to have a hysterectomy at age 33. It was very dififcult for her that I placed D for adoption. It told her a long while to see that I did it because I loved him, not because I didn't care. One of the difficult things about reunion for me was that Mom had died 9 years previously and never got to meet him. Dad has now met D and his entire (a)family. It struck me recently, that one of my reasons for placing D was because I NEVER wanted to say to him I didn't want him (and I knew I was too much like my mom who used to tell me "We loved you, but we didn't want you" because I was born only 11 months after they were married.) and as a result, D grew up believing that I didn't want him. Ironic huh? There's nothing easy about this stuff!
Thank you for sharing, Kathy. I was wondering if this issue has ever come up between you and "D". Is he aware that your mom wanted to help you, and have you two had that discussion?
I know I will have to revisit my comment to "R" but I hope, as others have mentioned, that he will understand that we all loved him so very much and that I made the best decision for him that I could, considering the oppressive nature of our society at that time.
I am leaving in 8 days to begin the journey to full reunion, but somehow I think the journey never really ends, does it?... :confused:
Peace,
Susan
:hippie:
If you think about it, all life is a journey... that doesn't end until we die. Like any relationship, the one we have with our bchildren in reunion will change over time as both sides change and (it is to be hoped) grow. David hasn't wanted to know much about the circumstances of his adoption. I've tried to make it clear that i'm willing to talk about anything, no matter how painful. The fact that Mom was willing to keep him while I finished school, didn't change my basic reason for placing him. I wanted him to be with two parents (yeah, I know, no guartantees) who were ready to raise children (who truly did want him... now.) I forget what we were talking about recently: family planning of some type (Maybe unplanned pregnancy because they're expecting their 3rd in 3 years... oops!). Any way we came up with the phrase, "Not planned, but not prevented." I looked at him and said that that described his birth. I guess my advice is to be honest if the question comes up. It helps him to know as you were then, and also to know a bit about his bgrandparents as well. At the same time, I'd let it be in his time. Let him know you'll answer any questions, no matter how painful, but don't force information on him that he doesn't want or isn't ready for! Above all: breathe! Try to take your time to get to know this unique individual to whom you gave birth. It truly is a journey of discovery.
Wow! My mother wanted to adopt my baby as well - and there was a court battle. I had to hire my own attorney - and I was only 15! But my mother had substance abuse issues, so no way could she pass the home study. I had to move to a foster home. My mother never got over losing her grandchild to adoption, and I was always filled with guilt.
Now I am in reunion - 6 days in - and I learned that my birthdaughter was abused, her adoption was aborted, and she was sent to Foster Care. I am still just numb.
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E.D.,Yes... some of our mothers really wanted to raise our children. And, it's so sad that for whatever reasons, it just couldn't happen sometimes. I never really thought about the loss and grief that a grandparent would feel -- until I became a grandmother myself. How are you doing now? Have you talked with your daughter about meeting face to face? I hope you are taking good care of yourself...Peace,Susan
Suddenly Susan, you had valid reasons for placing at the time, and at the time, you felt it was the best decision given the circumstances. Don't assume you son will be angry in knowing that your mom wanted to adopt him. In fact, I don't know that I'd necessarily bring this up right away. If he asks about it, sure, but it may not even be an issue for him at all. And of course, even if you had agreed to let your mom raise your son, there is no guarantee that it would have been the best thing for him, and as you mentioned, certainly it wouldn't have worked for you. Maybe he would have resented that situation, who knows? My mom made it clear that I could not bring a baby home. If I wanted to keep my son, I'd have to make a go of it on my own and I wasn't ready. I don't blame my mom for that, as she raised her kids, was a widow, and in no position emotionally or financially to deal with a baby in the house. Even if she was, it was (and still is) important to me that my son have a mother and a father in his life in a stable home environment. I didn't have that growing up, so it was crucial to me that my son have it. I was fortunate that he was placed with truly wonderful people who are still together. Now, maybe my son will resent that I didn't try to make a go of it on my own. Again, who knows? But the way I look at this is parents make all sorts of decisions for their children that they may not like or understand. Even the children who are kept and raised may resent their parents for decisions they made (or didn't make). I know I acted with integrity when I placed my son, and made the decision out of love and what I knew was best for all involved. I'm sure you did, too. I know it is hard, but guilt really serves no good purpose. The bottom line is you did what you felt was best under the circumstances at that time. Who can really fault you for that? I think your son will understand.