Adopting parents... Do you get uncomfortable when...

I think it is very hard for some people to understand how a mother could give away her child, if even for the best. And this could have been the reason for the quick retreat...quite possibly you made them very uncomfortable and they didn't know what to say to you.

I don't know how I could have made them uncomfortable really. I was very friendly and just wanted to see their baby and was being as nice as I could. I was trying very hard to be sensitive to their feelings. I only mentioned that I'd given a baby up for adoption because I wanted them to know I was familiar with the LDSFS. They never said a nice thing to me once they heard I'd given my baby up 15 years prior. I don't understand why someone would be uncomfortable with me being a bmom. There was no way that their baby could have been mine. I'd see it if some girl comes up, says, "I just gave my baby up through LDSFS. Can I see your baby?" Then I think they'd have a reason to be nervous. Fearing it was their child's bmom. I don't know. I just wondered if other aparents felt that same way and if they do feel uncomfortable, why do they feel that way? Rylee

I think it is really hard to deal with not accepting the burden of someone elses grief...especially if you are an AP and you are talking to a BP...It can bring up guilt over your own adoption...even if the bmom is essentially ok with it. It's the same uncomfortability level when you find out someone has a prosthesis....What do you say to THAT?? There aren't words.... I am always excited to meet anyone who has placed...I love hearing their stories! But I can see how it would be way to intensely personal for someone else to hear. Especially because they may have felt DUMB about celebrating their adoption, while they knew the other mom grieved...and then Here they are being all excited, and they find out you were a grieving bmom once...It probably made them feel callous. I have known a few ap's who find it very difficult to celebrate the adoption of their child, because they empathize SO much with the bparent who placed....Like how do you feel good about celebrating an event that is causing someone elses heart to break wide open.

It would touch me to hear someone tell their story. I guess that is why I sometimes lurk on the birthmother boards here.

I never thought of it that way. I guess I've always looked at it that the aparents resented me for being a bmom. I didn't think about it the way you put it. I appreciate your explaination. Years and years ago, I was on an adoption panel at a highschool. It was in a health class where they were talking about pregnancy and the options of adoption. There were 2 agencies represented, 2 adoptive parents and their adopted children and myself a birthmother. The class was encouraged to ask everyone questions and see all sides of adoption. I was more than glad to participate in the group because I was going to be able to share my views about adoption. The thing that was odd is the kids all had a hard time asking me questions. I was asked questions but not a lot. I was glared at by the adoptive mothers there. One of them actually said, "My daughter doesn't want or need to know her birthmother. It's not necessary." The agency people gave all the "good points" of adoption. The adoptive parents gave all the "good points" of adoption and the kids who were adopted shared how they felt about being adopted. I think the kids were afraid to say much about wanting to know their bmoms or bfamilies. Reason I say that is after the class was over one of the girls came up to me and thanked me for being there because she had always wondered about her bmom and if she would want her to ever find her. She told me that she was not wanting to hurt her amom but someday she hoped to find her bmom. These girls if I remember right were 13 or 14 years old. One of the other girls there who were adopted said that she loved her amom and didn't need to know her bmom because she gave her away and if she'd loved her she would have kept her. That stung me pretty bad when she said that. I told her that I'm sure her bmom had given her for adoption because she loved her and that she would probably always love her and if she ever decided to look for her that her bmom would probably be very excited and happy like I would be if my child ever came looking for me. That was quite an experience being on that panel. But I still never have understood people I've come in contact with who adopted children being edgy or upset with me enough to sometimes show the anger that I exist even though their child isn't the child I gave up. It's been a very disheartening experience sometimes. Rylee

My boss actually adopted 2 girls privately that were born in the same (relatively far and obscure) hospital that I had DD. I've worked with this man for 10 years, have a great working relationship with him, but I would never tell him what we have in common because of this type of thing happening. Even though they have a semi open through a third party, I still wouldn't. I hate that I feel this way, but I'd hate to have a great working relationship turn awkward. I tend to keep my work and my personal seperate, but still, it does bother me that I won't share something because I'm afraid of perceptions. It's not like me, but when it comes to adoption, I have a hard enough time sharing with my friends (and I talk about my adoption story in a positive and open light too) I can't see sharing my story with anyone outside of here right now.

I've never actually met anyone who is a birthmom in real life, to my knowledge. Around here, women tend to keep their unplanned babies -- unwed moms are very common. That's one of the reasons we used an agency further away -- many more women there place babies for adoption than do here. But if I did, I guess I would probably be looking at it from the adoptive parents' side more than being able to see the birthmom's side, simply because that's what I am -- an adoptive parent. Sometimes, I think adoption IS the best option for everyone involved. I'm sorry that some birthmothers have such horrible experiences, but I honestly don't see why I should somehow feel guilty for that because we adopted Yuna.

I've run into several birthmoms and have been close friends with them. I'd love to hear about their situation, why they placed their child, how they felt about it, wether they see the child etc. So no...I don't shy away from them...if anything I'm drawn to them and we usually engage in really good conversations. But I can see how some wouldn't know what to say or how some adoptive parents especially newly adopted parents might feel threatened by you or I guess more what you represent. There are a lot of emotions that an adoptive mom has to face at first...I think the biggest one is feeling guilty and if someone is havaing a hard time with their own feelings towards the birthfamily in their situation it might be hard for them to relate or reach out to other birthparents.

This thread has produced some very interesting comments and helped me with this a great deal. I appreicate all who have shared how they feel. As for feeling guilty about adopting a child. I don't think anyone should feel guilty about that as long as they didn't do it for a selfish reason and feel as my daughter's aparents feel, that I "should have died when THEIR daughter was born". That's a good reason in my book to feel guilty. When the adoptive parents appreciate the sacrifice this mother made in giving her baby up and realizes that this mother is going to be grieving to some degree for her child for as long as they are apart that adoptive parent's compassion for her in keeping promises of sending pictures, keeping contact etc (whatever the agreement was for the adoption) instead of running away, those aparents are good people and the pain the bmom feels won't be so bad eventually. I'm telling you, if my daughter's aparents had made me feel good about the fact that my daughter was raised with them and they appreciated and loved me for giving them such a special child, my pain would have been taken away. I would have known I had done the right thing. But when I found the kind of people they were and the horrible things that had happened to my daughter and the horrible vial things that were said and done to me after meeting my daughter it only made it worse for my emotions. It was a pain I will probably never get over especially now that her amom has found a way to stop us from having a relationship of any kind. I do know that adoptive parents do go through a lot of emotional grief not being able to have biological children. I'm not insensitive to those issues. I guess my biggest thing is being appreciated for giving my baby up when I wanted to keep her instead and someone else raising her who I was told would love me too. That was hard to take. It would have made all the difference in the world to have had them love me like I was told they would by the agency. I have a sister in law who had to go through fertility drugs and other things to conceive her first two children (they are twins). She wanted more children but couldn't have them without the fertility doctors involvement. During the time she couldn't conceive she would be so angry with people who could have children who shouldn't be having them for their circumstance (poor, drug addict, unstable emotionally etc). She would cry in my ear pretty much cursing God for sending children to people like that who didn't really need them (in her opinion) when people like her and my brother who could afford to have a lot of children couldn't conceive. We talked a lot about all this stuff. They were considering adoption. She told me that because of my sharing with her about things and feelings about givng my daughter away, that it helped her to think about how she would be and how she was going to make sure the bmom was involved in the child's life that they adopted. Unfortunately my SIL died of cancer due to the fertility drugs she was given and not being monitored for that sort of thing until it was too late. She got overian cancer trying to have more children without adopting. I'm just glad that adoptions have changed in the way they are now. It probably makes a big difference in the way the bmom's feel about everything after the adoption is completed. Rylee

Rylee, I am an adoptive mother, and the above statement made me gasp. I'm thinking that since you used quotes, this was actually said to you. How absolutely awful. How unforgivable. I'm sorry that the aparents of your daughter don't appreciate your sacrifice and loss. Please be assured that the majority of aparents out here respect the feelings and needs of their childrens' birth parents and sincerely wish to do the right thing to help them heal (or at least, to help them feel at ease with their decision to place their baby for adoption since absolute healing would seem to me to be impossible). Adoptive parents owe birth parents our admiration and yes, our love, in my opinion. I know what I say can't take away your hurt. I can only advocate for you from this side of the adoptive relationship and say no one, especially a beloved child's birth mom, should be insulted the way you were by YOUR daughter's aparents. Yes, YOUR daughter. With love and support, Donna

Donna, thank you so much for those words. I'm in tears right now over what you wrote. What you said means so much to me. I so much wanted my daughter to be happy and loved and was what I was promised. As well as being promised the aparents would love me and appreciate me for giving my baby for adoption. It wasn't how things turned out. I was hated and my daughter was abused. :( And yes my daughter's amom said those horrible things to me right after we together witnessed the birth of my daughter's baby who was my first grandchild. As it was I was so tired and so exhausted from being with my daughter all day the day before and all night while she was in labor. My emotions were running high over how much pain she was in and how hard the labor was on her. My grandson almost died before he was born. His heartbeat plumited. It was so scary. My daughter's amom didn't want to be anywhere near me and didn't want to stay through the labor but when my daughter was about to give birth after almost 24 hours of labor, then her amom showed up for the birth. She had no interest in helping my daughter through any of it. But she wanted me to leave when she got there. I had no intention of leaving because my daughter wanted me to be there. I didn't leave. She had wanted her amom to be there too through the whole thing but the amom was too upset that I was there. I had to travel three days on a bus to get to where my daughter was before she had her baby. It was difficult but she wanted me to be there and I was honored to be part of that. Her amom didn't want me there. The joy of seeing my first grandson being born was wonderful but the things the amom said out in the hall right after the baby was born I have never forgotten. I just hope that someday I am not as hurt by it as I still am right now. Rylee

Remember that back then, aparents were promised that if they ignored the birth connection and prior history, then the child would neve feel any connection, and by denying their birth family's existence, that would validate their position as "real"Aparents were to be a REPLACEMENT of the bio family...so in their mind, your relationship with your daughter....VOIDS *their* relationship with her. They have been replaced by you. She is no longer their child with you in the picture.An antiquated idea, but very real to that generation....if my dd's bmom showed up on our doorstep tonight, she would have a place to say for as long as she needed it, I would cry for joy to see her and take great pride in acquainting her with our family and our life.Feeling inadequate at being a parent happens taparents too, and when you are promised that their wll be zero bond/grief over bio family...and .then there is MAJOR grief...well, they can resent the child for feeling that way, it can inhibit or prevent bonding, and VOILA ! a situation RIPE for abuse. Keep in mind, the amom may have suffered from undiagnosed Post Adoptive Depression....thats a beast to handle even if you are aware it exists....I hate what the amom said to you, but perhaps hearing WHY she aproaches life and the adoption the way she does MIGHT take the sting out of her comments....She is grieving her perceived "loss of her child" to you...her worst nightmare that she was told would NEVER come true. She is feeling betrayed as well.Thats my 2 cents anyway from where I stand looking at your situation. In the amoms mind, there is only room for one mom, and she is making your daughter choose who it will be. I'm sorry she's doing that...it isn't the way most adoptive parents feel nowdays...rest assured of THAT.

That's a lot to think about what's been said. I do know that she (the adotpive mom) is almost 70. She was the same age as my mom when I gave my daughter up. I didn't know about post adoption depression. I always thought post pardum depression was a thing only women who gave birth had because it was a chemical thing after having the baby with hormones or something. I never had it so I don't know how it feels. I had 4 babies but never was depressed afterwards. What is post adoption depression? Rylee