Gifts from Birthparents

We go thru this with our youngest's family. The hard part is that our oldest's family buys things not just for the boys, but the girls too...and at Christmas time even for DH and I. I am with you...they should not feel obligated, but how can they not think that it has no effect on the other children? Granted, my boys are only 2 right now, but very soon they will catch on. I wish I had advice for you, but we just had to spell out the terms of our adoption agreement so that b-mom would understand it...I am still tangling with this one too. I would love to hear what any other parents may have done.

I think you should say something. She may not even know your son's feelings are hurt. Also I would put some kind of limit on how many gifts she can give to her birthson. Birthfamilies often overdue because they want to give, but too much "stuff" is not the best they have to offer and the kid just comes to see them as Santa Claus. Ask her for personal things... letters, history, old pictures.... if she does scrapbook pages, great! In the end, knowing you are loved for who you are, not what you give, is so much more important.

First, I really agree that you need to talk to her and set some boundaries. The longer you wait, the harder it is. BTDT, still doing it to some degree, so that recommendation is as much to myself as you. Some of these boundaries we've already established, some will be coming over the next year. We've gone more slowly as we have been working through an open fost-adopt situation. Second, I like the idea of asking her to send personal items. I KNOW that, even at just 8 y.o., fd would appreciate a picture of her birth relatives far more than the Bratz doll and makeup that one just sent. Or something small and sentimental, like a special ornament or decorative item or nice jewelry. Those are the kinds of things we send them. Third, as for the "appropriateness" of some gifts, we have been pretty flexible--e.g., Bratz has never been allowed in the house before. The relative who sent it wouldn't know that or even think twice about it. If we get too much of such things as time goes on, I'll say something, but if not, a few odd things out aren't going to end the world. OTOH, sometimes first mother seems to go out of her way to push some things. One year, she drenched everything--clothes, stuffed animals, etc.--in strong raspberry cologne, almost exactly the same smell as public restroom deodorizers, along with melodramatic declarations that she wanted to share her "scent" with her daughter so that she could be sure she remembered her. It wasn't a matter of differing tastes, it was assault by nose.:eek: Fourth, I think the package from "Santa" is pretty far out of line and inappropriate. She is not Santa, that is definitely not her role in your house. Also, Santa does not visit just one child in the house. We've had this happen, also, and even the child who received the "bounty" felt uncomfortable about it.At the time, we really could not protest it but it won't happen again as circumstances have changed. Fifth, based on our experience with close-in-age children, one gift, from first mother or father, either a personal item as suggested or something on the same level as auntie or grandma (sweater, book, board game, etc.) is appropriate and goes over with both OK--that is, the left out one understands and can handle it. One gift for each child is great but not necessary. Pretty much ditto for birthday. Never anything "wow" that can't be shared--e.g., first mother's offering to give horseback riding lessons (I didn't think she'd really actually pay for them, but that's another issue) to "hers" alone in a phone call to the child just did not fly. You would have to ask birth mothers directly, but I am not sure that all, maybe especially those who have not/are not parenting other children, would understand that the dynamics of their relationship with their birthchild need to work within the context of all the family's relationships--that it doesn't stand alone. I think it can often be special, but not so "big" that it throws the rest of the family off balance. As the other kids mature, they will be able to handle it better and have perspective on it. It's probably a fine line best drawn differently for every family.

Thanks for the great advice. My husband and I were not sure how to handle this one - we've gone through some extremely tough times with our both of our son's bfamilies and have been trying to mend some pretty damaged relationships. We had to set some strict boundaries and have just recently started to feel like things are looking up. Our instinct was to say something, but then again, we wanted to make sure that we weren't overreacting. I remember mentioning before that clothes and stuffed animals will eventually be forgotten, but pictures, cards and things from the heart will have a lasting impact. She said she was going to create a scrapbook, but so far, nothing. Hadley2, it's funny that you mentioned an ornament, because this morning I thought how great it would be for both our boys to be able to have a special ornament each year from their bfamilies to put on the tree. I have a feeling that the "over the top" gift giving is partially an attempt on her behalf to "make up" for things that she's done to us in the past as well as an effort on her mother's behalf to indulge her grandchild. Either way, I see that we were right in our thinking.

I started that tradition the first year. My son is now 23 and his sister is 21. They have quite a collection when they start their own trees.