How Much?

Hi, I can attribute 50% to adoption issues. I have been fighting this for 26 years and have in the last 2 years sought help. I can't blame adoption for all my problems but a lot stems from placement and the guilt/shame I feel as a result. Thank God for the my bson searching for me and wanting contact or I would still be on the "wheel". In the last 15 months I have let go of a lot of the guilt and realized I made a very hard decision but it was for the best. Not something I am proud of but as my daughter would say "you did the right thing at the wrong time". I know it is hard for everyone and I still have days but I wish everyone the peace that I have found on the days I realize that my bson loves me for not raising him.

Jenna, One of the reasons I placed my daughter was depression. I have a family history of depression, so I thought that if my daughter was taken from that environment she wouldn't be so affected by it. I was very wrong about that decision. Adoption may have made her depression worse. After I was reunited with my daughter, my depression got so bad that I had to seek professional help. Therapy and meds helped me to see that I had so much to live for. My journey in life has been a bumpy one, but I continue survive it. Keep your chin up, Found

[FONT="Century Gothic"]I think it was a catalyst for me to actually get some help. I remember going thru some bouts of depression while growing up but nothing like it was after J's placement. Right now with what I am dealing with with J's parents it has kicked into high gear. Especially during the past few weeks. So much so that since E cannot write a script we are looking into finding a therapist who does and doesn't mind that I am not giving up E.[/FONT]

I know for me I always suffered from depression, just wasn't aware of it until after the adoption I believe. As a kid I had constant stomach aches and played with my hair all the time. I now know that was all anxiety and depression. But, I don't believe the undiagnosed depression played a part in me placing. Was me not believing in myself part of that or was that just the pressures? I don't know. It wasn't until T was almost 3 that I finally sought help for my depression. I had to go on meds for a while and have gone on and off them the past almost 5 years. I am not off them. :) ((((HUGS)))) to you Jenna as you find the answers for yourself. I'm here if you need to process anything.

Jenna, I wasn’t depressed when I placed M, I was overwhelmed. I was dealing, not only with an unplanned pregnancy, but also with the delicate medical state of my son, whom I was parenting. I was overwhelmed at the prospect of Jerrett having to have a transplant, I was overwhelmed by the fact that I was working, full time; going to school, full time; being a mom, full time and pregnant. There wasn’t enough ‘time’ in my day for me to be depressed and I think that this is the reason that I am now, twelve years later, dealing with such a huge amount of baggage, guilt, depression, frustration, anger and resentment. It’s only exacerbated by the recent situation and the fact that, if I hadn’t been so gosh darn overwhelmed at the time, I could have avoided all of this (this, in my minds eye, I am not nave enough to think that my life would be where it is now, had I not made all of the choices I’d made up to this point). I have a lot of triggers in my life. When I see that I’ve exposed whatever-it-is that is causing me so much frustration, I try to identify what it was that triggered the response and I try to deal with that little tidbit. To point at my ‘issues’ and say they are ‘adoption related’ would be to broad. Yes, I have issues that stem from my own adoption as an adoptee and also issues that stem from my placement of M – but that’s just the umbrella…the ‘big picture’ – and I need to (personally. This may not work for everyone in every situation) identify the triggers independently, work to make those triggers dissipate, then move on to the next one. I can’t make ‘adoption’ go away…just like I can’t make our infertility go away, Jerrett’s autism go away or the fact that I have a filthy stain on my carpet that professional cleaners can’t get out, go away…but I can work at making them easier to deal with…one at a time. For me, looking at life in fragments and identifying and addressing those specific fragments has helped me not become so overwhelmed and crippled with depression/frustration/anger/resentment/rage…etc. If you can, find out what is triggering you and try to work towards resolving that. Fixing the small stuff is more manageable than trying to attack the big stuff.

Part of my current issue, which I am working on with the therapist, is obviously the anxiety that was diagnosed last year. I've been dealing well with it, having good times and some setbacks. However, this pregnancy has brought about an interesting spin on things that I didn't experience with Nick's pregnancy.While this pregnancy was planned, it was the first one for us since we lost Rose in 2006. My anxiety sky-rocketed and stayed there for quite some time. I am actually easily thrown back into an anxious state right now even though I am "overall" dealing well with the anxious feelings. At 26 weeks, this child could be saved if something horrendous was to happen. (Yes, I know the statistics.)ANYWAY, my issue with the anxiety and this pregnancy is this: the absolute, paralyzing fear that I've felt during this pregnancy, which we know is attributed to my anxiety disorder......is the same exact way that I felt during my pregnancy with the Munchkin.This realization, a month or so ago, threw me for a loop. What I was basing as an "inability to parent" was quite possibly the anxiety making me THINK was an inability to parent (and so on with all of my reasonings for placement, just grabbed one for example). And that's really, really confusing and frustrating for me to begin to place as to how what happened and why...I haven't even been able to appropriately blog about the subject because I'm so...I don't know.The frustrating part is that the anxiety didn't just magically crop up in 2006. That's just when it was diagnosed. Everything else in my life began to make sense when we realized that I had a problem with anxiety; my Mom was finally able to understand why we both had some problems communicating with one another. It wasn't that I hated her or she hated me, we just viewed things INSANELY different because of how we react to certain situations.I'm rambling. I know. I'm just hurting and confused. All that said, I actually know that my anxiety makes some of my post-placement adoption issues WORSE than the are or need to be... and I try to keep them in check with therapy and a continuous flow of open and honest communication. But when it comes down to whether or not my anxiety (and I've always battled depression as well, but am not in a current place to talk about it) was behind the actual decision (or indecision?) to place... well, I don't know if I can figure that out right now. Or if I want to.It hurts.

I definately think my depression was a huge force behind my wanting to place. I think I felt like I didn't deserve the chance to parent and probably wasn't able to, all that definately goes along with the insecurities I have relating to my depression. After placing I know I went for years having a giant hole in my heart, sometimes almost feeling a physical reaction to loss. I attributed it to a 'homesick' type of feeling, but I think it was missing my son.