Birth Parent Regret

Brandy; I missed this question and just saw it this morning. To be honest, I think every birth parent should read the book. Every. That said, right now? Do I think you should read it? Uhm, possibly not. The assumption of the book, of course, is that the adoptive parents are doing a bang-up job at raising the child. It doesn't speak to abusive or neglectful situations in the adoptive home. (There should be a book on this for first parents in open adoption, no? Write it please.) I think it might make you a bit more frustrated at this time.That said, have your therapist read it and then give you an opinion on whether or not it is timely and appropriate, given the current situations. *hugs* I'm no therapist, I just have a good one! ;) heh

Jenna - I'm sorry I never came back to respond to your questions. I just don't have the emotional strength to do it right now, struggling with a few things. I'm sorry.

Pfft, don't apologize. We all have difficult times in our journeys. Trust me, I know.

I hope it is ok for me to participate, since I am an amom. I've discussed this subject with our son's bmom many times. It's kind of a sore subject for her, for a different reason. She is an adoptee as well and her aparents and bmom are in an open adoption. Apparently her bmom has major regret over placing her for adoption. When our son's bmom was 12 years old, her bmom told her she regretted placing her for adoption. She told her that she wished she had kept her and that she wishes she was a part of the bmom's family instead. The bmom said she thinks her daughter belongs with them instead of the aparents. Well, our son's bmom said that really messed her up. Prior to that particular visit with her bmom, she feels she had no major adoption related issues. After that visit, she felt confused, like she was living in the wrong family and didn't know where she belonged. She believes it led to a major identity crisis, where she withdrew from the aparents, her grades slid and she then found herself pregnant with our now son. She has since had a lot of counseling. She chose an adoption plan for her baby (choosing us as the aparents) and we have a very open adoption. She and I have become very close friends. She has since (many times) told me that she will never, ever tell our son that she regrets placing him for adoption because she says she never wants to hurt him the way she was hurt by her bmom. I've just tried to support and listen to her as she has shared her hurt. She knows her bmom never intended to hurt her and was only expressing her regret but it is still pretty painful for her. She is adamate about never expressing regret to our son and she claims to have no regrets. One of the questions asks how the child's aparent responded to hearing of the bmom's regret. Do any of the birthmoms who have regret plan to share their regret with their child? mom to 3 (one bio, one through domestic adoption, one through international adoption)[url]www.journeytofamily.com[/url]

I will always be age-appropriately honest with my child. I will always state that her parents are amazing and I'm very glad that she has them but I will never deny that I wish things could be different. I won't shove it down her throat but I won't pretend like I'm glad that I was lied to and coerced. I won't lie to my child but I also won't attempt to make her feel guilty with the truth.

Likewise, regret doesn't have to be big, scary or demeaning towards another's experience. A) read the chapter in Lifegivers concerning birth parent regret (chapter 8) and b) read [URL="http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/index.php/weblogs/a-journey-to-regret"]this post[/URL] and [URL="http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/index.php/weblogs/others-talk-about-regret"]this post[/URL] concerning how I, myself, and other birth parents are viewing the topic at hand.I'm sorry your son's birth mother had a negative experience but regret doesn't have to be negative. It's about how it's handled, how it's processed, how it's dealt with (not avoided or blown up) and how it's presented.

Jenna,I read the links you mentioned. Thank you. I can relate to the amom mentioned in the closed adoption, where she felt guilt in the beginning. While my new son brought me unbelievable joy, I would often realize, with sadness, that my joy mean loss for his bmom. I was cradling him while she was in pain. I think of it like an organ donor in which the family chose to donate the organ of a lost loved one. Someone's unbelievable joy is due to someone else's incredible loss.I mentioned before our son's bmom has said she has no regrets and that she will never express regrets to our son about the adoption. I realize, from reading the blog entries that aparents are not supposed to take bparent regret personally. Even if I don't take it personally (which I probably would if I'm being honest), I would be very sad if our son's bmom expressed regret. We are close friends and I would hope I could support her if that came up, regardless of how hurt I might feel. I'm wondering though, what is the purpose in the bmom informing the aparents of her regret? I mean this in the most respectful way possible... I sincerely want to know. Is bmom regret something that should be shared with the aparents? And if so, what would the bmom need in return from the aparents after expressing her regret? Support? Just someone to listen and validate the right to her feelings? Again... I mean all these questions with respect, as it is often hard to read intent in words without a tone of voice. mom to 3 (one bio, one through domestic adoption, one through international adoption)[url]www.journeytofamily.com[/url]

In an open adoption, the communication has to be 100% open and honest. Respectful, of course, but 100% open and honest. If a birth parent is experiencing x-emotion but refuses to tell the adoptive parents because of y or z reason (not wanting to offend or upset or rock the boat of the adoption would be a few), what good does it do the family group? None. If you're having an issue in your personal life, separate from adoption, and your best friend wants to know what she can do to help but you refuse to tell her because it might somehow make her feel y or z way, then you're not really utilizing your best-friendship in the best possible way, are you? The same applies to open adoption relationships. If you have to hide how you feel, for whatever imagined or real reason, the group cannot get past that point in the healing process.D is sad that I experience regret as well, but she has also learned that it's not HER issue. It's my issue. She allows me to feel it, checks up on me with questions now and again and, when I'm struggling, she maybe does a few little "extra" things to help me through those dark times. (Sends an extra picture or a funny card just between the two of us.) If she didn't know I was struggling, she might REALLY take my inability to discuss things with her, openly and honestly, on a personal level. Knowing what she's dealing with (my personal regrets), she knows that my times of silence have NOTHING to do with her and EVERYTHING to do with myself. She's then able to act accordingly (give me space or challenge me to look at something in a new way).I don't "need" anything from D regarding my regret. I think most birth parents would agree. The support that's offered is an extra bonus. However, without the knowledge of what I'm going through, communication comes to a standstill and that doesn't do any party any lick of good.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. You gave me a lot to think about. mom to 3 (one bio, one through domestic adoption, one through international adoption)[url]www.journeytofamily.com[/url]

Someone on another thread said that it's important for the adoptive parents to not personalize a birthparents' regret regarding the adoption itself. Now, certainly regret surrounding the chosing of the parents, etc. is another story.

Tara, so true!!

I would imagine though that at times even though the regret isn't about the adoptive parents, that it could be hard for some to not take it personally. I suppose, it would take alot of work on the adoptive parents' part - I also think they need to be secure in their role as parents.

Answers to your questions: Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh <blockquote> 1. BEFORE you read the chapter, tell me your thoughts on birth parent regret. Is it overtly negative, all positive, avoidable, unavoidable, a hindrance, a help, something to be feared, something to be celebrated... or what? Give me your opinions.</blockquote> It's inconceivable to me that a birthmother wouldn't experience regret. I firmly believe it's unavoidable. I don't think there's much about adoption to be celebrated unless a child is saved from life in an orphanage, with abusive or drug-addicted parents. I think that birthmother regret should be acknowledged publicly; I want society to stop trying to sell the bill of goods that the mom in crisis pregnacy's life will be a clean slate, a bed of roses once she relinquishes. <blockquote>If you have a specific example in which your regret has either been validated or dismissed, please discuss that event and how it made you feel.</blockquote> My parents, who forced the adoption dismissed my regret for over thirty years. Now, finally, my mother acknowledges that I have been tormented by the loss of my son for my entire life. My agency totally dismissed my feelings; even telling me they were selfish. They were horrible and their total lack of empathy and concern led me to attempt suicide over the loss of my child. I was sixteen years old. <blockquote>Discuss your own place with regret, where you are currently. </blockquote> I am 53 years old. I gave birth to my placed son when I was 16. He is now 37. We have been in reunion since 1991. I married eight years after his placement and gave birth to three children whom I parented. I am now divorced. My placed son is actually living with me right now while he is in transition between states. He has lived with me before (while I was married). I still have tremendous regret and resentment. Nothing will ever change that particularly since none of the things that were promised by the agency ever panned out. My parented children are much better off. Maybe I'd feel differently about the whole thing if I'd had some choice in the matter. I don't know. I knew about girls who placed babies for adoption in my high school; it was never a concept I could grasp except in cases of abuse, neglect, addiction. I think pregnant girls should be offered assistance as a first course of action, not to be relieved of their babies or their babies separated from their blood relatives. Having said that I have been tormented all of my life by the loss of my eldest child does not mean that I have made nothing of my life or that I wallow in self pity all day. I am a college administrator and instructor just finishing a PhD. I also sing with a professional opera company. I have a great relationship with all of my children. However, dealing with the loss has been a lifelong process. I will probably never stop beating myself up for not having prevailed over my parents and kept my son. <blockquote>4. How does your child's adoptive family respond to your regret? </blockquote> They feel terrible that I was forced to give up my child. The agency lied to them, too. <blockquote>5. Your opinions on why regret, (even with the dictionary definitions that explain that it's not SUPER scary), scares the pants off of others.</blockquote> It exposes the lie behind the adoption myth that society has needed to buy into for so long. That myth has always made it possible to sweep the messiness of crisis pregnancy under the rug. I think that bmom regret makes others feel guilty. No one likes to feel guilty. I think some aparents take it personally, like it is a rejection of them, rather than of the relinquishment of a child. Before someone jumps down my throat... I'm not saying that adoptive parents should feel guilty for wanting to parent a child or for accepting a child they believed was available into their family. I'm going to have to find a copy of this book and read it.

It is hard and, for me at least, will take work. But it's a completely separate issue from feeling secure as my son's parent. It can be a little irksome when any struggle adoptive parents have gets labeled as insecurity in their role as parents. Being secure as a mom doesn't make everything else easy or make me immune from struggling with things. Just my 2 cents. :)

I'm sure and I don't doubt what you're saying at all. I have my own security/insecurity issues (both attached to adoption and separate) regarding parenting and being a Mom. But sometimes they don't even come in to play when I'm having an issue. Sometimes issues are just issues. LOL.