Perspective welcomed

Carolyn, I think for me, it would have been helpful, not so much with the decision of placing but I think after placement it would have given me something positive for those dark days.

I'm torn on this and have two very different opinions... The first is that it would be helpful as keds said because I would know that there could be a positive outlook on behalf of my child having been adopted. This reassurance is huge for me. The second would be that, despite your best intentions, the adoptee telling eparents how great adoption was for them might be used by the agency as a means to influence one into adoption. Like I said, even if this wasn't your intention, it could be the end result... I'm not sure entirely....

Thank you both. I feel I would like to speak to birth mothers to know that I, personally, (I can't speak for anyone else), never held my placement against my bmom and to me, she was a mother to me in her own right and I feel that I am blessed with two mothers. I guess I just want to reach out to bmother's and let them know that not all adoptees are angry about being placed and that I appreciate that my bmom put me above all else, even above what she may have wanted for herself. I want to try to ease some small amount of pain they are feeling, because I am a mother of six. I want them to know it can work. Thank you for sharing. I aprreciate it greatly. Carolyn

This is just my perspective, but rather than talk to an adoptee who grew up in a closed adoption, I would have found it helpful to speak to an adoptee who grew up in an open adoption, as that's the route I was going. I think it's important to hear from those who have had both negative and positive experiences.

I agree. I thought it so odd that they (the adoption agency) don't have them speak to a wide varity of people involved in the adoption triad. It made me very sad and seemed very manipulative. I would think you would want a prespective birth mother to hear the good, along with the bad and the ugly. I would think by doing this, yes, you may have mothers who do decide to parent rather than place, but I would think you would also have a higher rate of positive experiences because of those who did decide to place, they have gone into it with eyes wide open, so to speak, rather than being given just one side of roses and all is great. I would think making it "all wonderful" would actually set one up for more regret and possibly changing their mind after birth or placement. Thank you all, sincerely, for helping me look at this from a different angle. Not being a birthmother myself, I deeply appreciate your insight. Carolyn

Carolyn, I have to tell you that as a birthmother, the best advice I ever received was from adoptees. Not in relinquishing my child, but in reuniting with him in 1990. At the time, I was living in Albuquerque, and there was a fantastic support group there for all members of the adoption triad who were either searching or in reunion. About a year before I met my son, I started attending meetings, along with other birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees. I was especially touched by a young woman who came to every meeting with her a-mom. Both she and her mom helped me greatly to understand some things I would most likely be dealing with in the reunion. Her mom "clued" me in on some of the fears and other emotions that would surface with my son's parents when we met. With her perspective, I was able to handle things much more gently and with fore-thought. By listening to her daughter at the meetings, I learned so much. (I will be indebted to this young woman and her mother for as long as I live!) When I relinquished my son, I was 17 years old. My two best friends were non-biological sisters who had both been adopted as infants into the same family. It was with their love and encouragement that I was able to relinquish at all. And it was with their love and encouragement that I reunited with my son. I think it's wonderful that you want to talk with birthmothers, and tell them your positive experiences with adoption! Go for it, girl!!! :D

I think that, at the time I was contemplating placing, I would have found encouragement to speak to an adoptee as, well, almost propaganda. I think I would have seen it as "you don't know exactly what you want to do, but I want you to hear how great this one option is". That being said, my best friend in high school, and my best friend in college were both adopted, and THAT insight into adoption was priceless. I saw the families they were adopted into, I knew how they felt about their birthfamilies, I knew when they questioned and when they contemplated searching and why. If a potential birthmom has ready, comfortable access to an adoptee, then by all means they should talk to them, but the unsolicited input of an adoptee they don't know may not be appropriate. Ress

I don't think adoption agencies would want birth moms to see the negative side of things in any way for sake of ensuring placements. I also don't believe hearing positive stories from adoptees in their specific situation could have changed some of the feelings I went through in the past. It was dealing with insecurities from the a-parents that threw me. I know for myself now,it is very helpful to have the chance to hear from adoptees & birthmoms concerning their negative and positive feelings/experiences. I don't feel as worried about how to approach my daughters when the time comes,or taking things as personally if they decide not to interact with me. Just like with giving birth,my thought is,no matter how many perspectives you get on the subject,it's not until you're in the throes of the situation do you *truly* grasp the affect. It's ALWAYS great to hear positive life stories from adoptees,but I continue to worry either daughter will feel totally opposite to that...all I can do is wait,wonder and wait some more!:arrow: