I hate being adopted

You know, you are right. For decades people have been protesting outside of abortion clinics. In fact, my adoptive mother made me carry a sign "I was loved, I was adopted" at a protest back in about 1974. I remember it being very loud and I was scared. I guess I was supposed to be the adoption "poster child." I think it is about time adoptees started protesting outside of adoption clinics. We could be the "pro-truth" side of the equation.

As an adopted adult and a first mom, I will say there are women out there from the baby scoop era that didn't have a choice in placing their children. I know women that were shipped to maternity homes, drugged, tied to the bed and their baby was gone. I don't think trying to understand the other sides of the triad hurts us as adopted people. We don't have to sympathize, feel grateful, or anything else. Understanding is key to understanding our own pain and grief though. Being self centered and thinking we are the only ones in the triad allowed our pain is no better than the people who refuse to listen to us.

I can't imagine being in that situation. First of all it's a ridiculous concept to start forcing other people to feel bad about what they may have had to do because of a number of issues. I am talking about having a child prance around in front of an abortion clinic. What kind of a message to a child. Forever grateful. Oh my God. I have problems with people banging on my door with the arrogant attitude that I should listen to their ideas about God or anything else. We are bombarded daily by all kind of methods to sell us something. In my opinion I can't see how it's anyone's business. I would much rather those who aren't capable of parenting for whatever reason abort than bring forth a life and neglect the child. As far as women being forced into giving their children up for adoption due to shame etc or as mean of profit; I agree that some understanding is warranted. But living your life beholding to a person who wants you to submerge your feelings to insure that her feelings are looked after is a tough row to hoe. Compromise...makes sense. But not to the degree that her rights to express emotion and loss over ride the adopted child's emotions etc. Children should be draped with the responsibility for society's issues. My adopted mother who was abandoned herself once told me for spite against my adopted father "If you don't behave he said he will send you back to where you came from". When I found my birth family she said. "Why in hell would you want anything to do with them, they left you like a cat by the side of the road". Talk about messing a kids' head up. Of course I spent a lot of my life looking after her needs. I suppose that's where some of the anger and frustration came from. I hope that we can at least have the opportunity to delve into some of this crap honestly. It's shocking really that an adopted mother would be so insensitive but she was abandoned by her mother due to financial pressures and sent to live with her maternal grandparents. She was addicted to having a man and made all sorts of poor choices. I was carried around like baggage because she couldn't deal with the idea of asking for some help. So when I met my birth mother I resented having to tiptoe around her feelings. You can only handle so much. I got some counseling so I am able to have some empathy but at times I wonder when it's my turn to have someone look after my feelings. When she needed help she left me with her mother who I suppose felt she owed something given the fact that she had to abandon my mother. It was obligation but I loved her and she tried her best. I would never think of holding my daughter responsible for my happiness. She knows enough about my past to understand we are independent beings and that she is not my caretaker. The whole ball of yarn is exhausting to unravel. It's very complicated for me I can't imagine having a grasp of it all as a child. All I know is too often I sense this obligation to be "beholding" and to suppress one's own need to express the abandonment in most conversations I hear from people who have been adopted and that's what keeps us stuck in the same old merry go round.

I certainly don't think that anyone should consistantly put someone else's feelings about their own, including adopted people placing adults feelings about their own. My first mother rejected me out of hand. I will never meet her, she doesn't want to meet me at all. Was I mad at her? Yep sure was, but all that anger does is eat my heart and soul, so I have learned to put it aside. I'm also not saying we shouldn't discuss our issues with the being adopted, the adults involved in our adoption, the whole nine yards. I'm just saying that adoption, for plenty of women who choose to place is much more complicated than a simple choice.

In my opinion and in my experience, the only people not hurt by adoption are the adoptive parents. I have met my B mom and she isn't a happy camper. My A mom is a codependent personality. If you read my other entries, you will understand. I was not serious about picketing outside of adoption clinics. I certainly don't want to hurt other birth parents. I just wish more people could be pro truth about adoption and not apologetic.

Wow, Impska, I am floored by the way your mother raised you. It really leaves me speechless. I have a bio son and an adopted son, and they're just my sons. The only people who know he's adopted are our friends and family. When we're out and people say "wow your 2 boys look just like you!" I says "thank you!" I can't imagine broadcasting that he's adopted or feeling any different because he is adopted. And I'm sorry about your daughter and grandson. I can't imagine how hard that was to hear. ((HUGS))

impska, reading your story makes me really sad for you. i feel like, ilovedeals, in the way that my adopted mom and adopted dad, are just my parents. they adopted my older brother and me and then by a maricle they had my younger sister. they never made me feel difrent in any way, in fact, my sister and i "argue" over who mom and dad love more! saying things like "well i was chosen so mom loves me best" and she will say "well i was a maricle so mom loves me best" we say this in a loving way that sibleings do.we are both in our late thirtys and we sitll say this. i wish you could have had the relationship with your adopted parents like i had with mine. my older brother still struggles with the fact that he was adopted, he says that mom and dad, didnt love him like they loved our younger sister. i dont see it that way.with the search ive started, my adopted mom has been my best support. she says she cant wait to meet my birth mother so she can hug her and tell her thank you. i hope some day you can come to terms with the crappy way you adopted mother raised you. i dont want to make th impression that my life was all roses and everything was awesome, because beleive me it soo wasnt! it is what it is. i wish i could send you a hug!i hope this comes across in a positive way, because i mean it to be nice. sometimes posting things can read wrong, and i dont want to hurt your (or anyones) feelings.erin

You don't come off the wrong way at all. I really appreciate hearing from you and I'm always glad to hear positive stories. They make my life better and make me feel better. I hope you find your birth mother and I hope it is a wonderful reunion. I will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you for not making your adopted kids feel different and guilty. They are not guilty of anything. Keep up the good work. I wish you were my adopted mom, but that would be weird because I'm 43. LOL!!!

lol! i tell my neighbors that they are my adopted parents, since all of my family is out of town!

I would not say that I hate being adopted but sometimes I do feel that way. I had wonderful adoptive parents. I was lucky that my adad was a pilot for Delta so I got to travel. But the one thing that I hate is the fact that I dont look anyone in my family. I am so thankful that I chose to keep my child when I became pregant and her dad left me. She is my mini me and I dont think I would be the person i am today if I gave her up. I am in the process of searching for birth mom and hope and pray ever night that she wants contact. I feel incomplete and have this empty feeling that I think som members of my family dont get along with my husband. I want to meet my my b-mom and hopefully with that meeting I can met my half brother and maybe my half sister who also adopted has made contact and I could met her. I keep hoping that maybe they are searching for me on here also, no luck so far. :(

I have to disagree with your first comment "the only people not hurt by adoption are the adoptive parents". This is not the case is all circumstances, but perhaps in the ones you know of. I am an adoptive parent, and adoption has hurt me terribly, but it has also been a blessing. I watch the long term consequences of adoption on our sons and it pains ME to see them hurt. The truth is, thier physical and most of thier emotional needs are much better met with us (and they are no longer being neglected or horrifyingly abused) but I watch them search for answers that I can not provide and be hurt by the lack of information and understanding. I love my boys and like any parent that loves thier child, I hurt when they hurt, my heart breaks for them. I would be so much happeir and have suffered less pain if thier biological parents had been capable and willing to parent them apropriately, but in the end they bring me more happiness than pain. Maybe that is one of the differences between adoptee pain and adoptive parent pain, it is much easier to see where the adoptee pain comes from and perhaps the adoptee pain is not as balanced out by the good things as it is for an adoptive parent. Just my two cents.

Zookeeper, well put. Sometimes it does feel (from my own birthmother's perspective) that I am 'the biggest loser' in this whole arrangement. I come here to learn just what you've offered here - greater insight into a complicated situation. Thanks for eloquently sharing and expanding my understanding.

The fact that you can empathize with the confusion you sons are facing will serve you and them well. It's a tough road not knowing from whence you came. Keep doing whatever you're doing.

I understand how you feel! I hated being adopted too. My adopted father was a pedophile.