Stressfull situation!

Calirosie, I am so glad that you are giving careful thought and reconsideration to your choices. Adoption should NEVER be decided upon quickly. Deciding whether to relinquish your child or not will be the most important decision you will make in your entire life. As far as the birthfather being angry if you keep your child, I wouldn't set a whole lot of store by it, in my opinion. At this point in your child's life, (yes, YOUR child!) he or she is solely dependent on you for nourishment and love, not his or her birthfather. If you are afraid that keeping your baby will end your relationship with your boyfriend, I would ask you this: could you ever really feel the same about him again, knowing he didn't want the responsibilities of fatherhood? That he hadn't cared what relinquishment would mean to you or your family? I don't know if a marriage could sustain that kind of betrayal in the long run. Of course, this is only my opinion, but one you might consider. Please let us know how you are doing, and feel free to private message me if you'd like. Hang in there, kiddo, and don't let anybody push you around!

Wow.. What at tough situation to be in. My heart goes out to you. I am an adoptive mom - BUT I am NOT going to tell you how great it is to adopt!! That is a given - but your concern is not about potential adoptive parents, your concern is your child, and what is best for him. (you did say "him" right? Congratulations!) :) First, adoption is a difficult, courageous choice. But not a choice that is right for everyone. Regardless of what you want (and wanted ) you are now a mother, and you need to decide what is best for you and your baby. It is your decision. And if you choose to parent, you can figure out a way to make it work. Just make sure that you are making the choice for your child, not for anyone else around you. They will adjust to whatever you decide. No matter what choice you make, there will be people who will think youve made a mistake. A birthmother who chooses adoption for her child, will probably be judged by some people. If she had chosen to parent, she would be judged by other people. ThatҒs why it is essential to think it through, learn the truths about all of the options short term and long term, then make the decision that is right for you. And have the courage to do what you know is right. That is the only way you can make it through the tough times, whichever you choose. I am copying something I saw recently in another post. - Questions to ask yourself when considering adoption vs. parenting. I think the list is a pretty good one. And, being a religious person, I would add prayer. Ask God what choice is right for this child, and then ask for the strength to be able to do it, whichever answer you get. Both will be difficult, so you will need peace of mind and of heart to get through whichever she chooses. Here's the list: (I copied it from another post, a few months ago, and saved it on my computer - so I do not know who to give the credit to, but I think they are great questions for considering this decision.) Here are the questions I would ask someone debating parenting vs. placing for adoption: - Do you have the DESIRE to parent? - Do you have the financial means to parent? (Don't forget about the social services available to help while you get on your feet. These count!!) - Do you have the emotional stability and maturity to parent? If not do you (or can you create) a support system to help get you where you need to be on this issue? (This is a biggie, IMO) Are you committed to using your support system? - If you're currently in a relationship, is this person safe? Does he treat you well? Does he verbally, emotionally or physically abuse you? Are you willing to leave this relationship for the sake of your baby? - Are all substance abuse issues under control? Are you taking whatever measures are necessary to get and/or stay clean? Rehab, counseling, AA, even losing friends... whatever it takes for however long it takes. - Are any mental health issues being managed well? Can you, with the help of a counselor or other professional, get to a place where you can parent safely and well? - Are you ready to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to make sure your baby is cared for? Are you prepared to (possibly) change your social, career or educational plans (probably just temporarily, maybe forever) for the sake of your baby? Are you prepared to say goodbye to friends and others who would be a bad influence on your baby? Are you willing to put your baby's needs FIRST? (But, keep in mind, babies and children don't need much: love, stability, food, shelter, love) These are just a few things to consider. I'm not trying to say that you should place or not. That's a decision that only you can make. Best wishes to you and your baby! And congratulations on your beautiful child! You have already shown that you love him and want the best for him, and that is what a mom is.

Calirosie: You know, I really thought the b-dad of my DD did not care WHAT I did, as long as I didn't "bother" him with it. But, I'll bet that if you asked him now, he'll say he wished we parented. The adoption was not easy on him, and that's something I never knew until years later. Not discussing my choice with him made it all the more hurtful and complicated. Time can change lots of things. Once he sees his child, he could have a complete change of heart. Men can surprise you that way..... Good luck. I'm glad you are giving everything careful thought!!!

I as an adoptee would just like to chime in and touch on something. My bmom was 27yrs old an adamant about placing. Up til the day she died she stood firm in the fact that she did the right thing. I will tell you in all honesty that this crushed me to the core. I would have been less hurt if I knew that she was forced or backed upp against the wall and felt she had no choice or was coerced in some way. This was NOT the case, I see it as her just thinking of herself. The thing is, she married and had another child just about a year later. While I have had a great life with my aparents, it kills me knowing that this womaqn could have absolutly no regret, remorse, second thoughts or any other normal feelings that most bmother have(based on what I have read) Trust me adoption hurts even though it appears to be a great situation. Like I said, my afamily is the best, but to know I just wasn't wanted by the woman who gave birth t me will sting till the day I die. Wonderful aparents,2 parent family, nice house, great education and the white picket fence can never erase that pain. EZ

He and I broke up in June, so while I'm trying to be considerate of his feelings, at the same time he is not the one who gets to make the final decision no matter how mean or intimidating he tries to be (at moments). When I e mailed him a couple of days ago saying that my family doesn't want me to make a final decision yet and I agree with them, he wrote back saying he couldn't handle this and stop putting us both through a roller coaster and then he texted me later saying he was worried about me. I couldn't help but think is he truly worried about me or worried I won't agree to adoption. Sometimes I wish I didn't even tell him about the pregnancy even though I know it is very wrong to think that way. He wants to be in the room with me when I deliver but now I'm scared to have him there (this whole pregnancy has been very scary for me!). My finances aren't that horrible even though I am not finished with school; I am taking a tax course and will be CTEC certified by december so during tax season (Jan-April) I will be making $30-$50 an hour depending on the number of clients I have that day and my family is willing to help me out until I finish school and probably will help with childcare even after that (I have a lot of support from extended family too...step mom, stepsisters <all with kids and 2 of them don't work>) so I probably won't even need government assistance. At this point, I don't want to make any specific decisions or plans for keeping or placing my baby until I give birth and then see how I feel. Some people had said that's too late to decide but I disagree.

Oh Sweetie, It sounds like you have the right attitude and are very smart as to not rush into such a life altering decision. Having a family that is willing to be supportive is a beautiful gift. Once you hold that little bundle and look into his eyes you will know and fall so in love that you will be amazed at how doable parenting will be. you are very wise to wait and don't let anyone ever try and convince you otherwise. All too many times women think a decision must be made right away and then after the baby is born they feel they must sign off. It is nly after they sign off that they realize they may not have made the right decision and by then it is too late. Trust me, I am far from anti adoption. I am an adoptee myself who was blessed with a wonderful afamily. It just breaks my heart to see women feel pressured to make a decision of such magnitude, a decision that you will have to live with for the rest of your life. I really and truly wish you all the best and I will keep you in my prayers. EZ

It is NOT too late. This is your child, and you are his mom. If you think you may still place, you might want to have a backup chosen, just in case - an agency you trust, or a family in mind. But you can make this decision whenever you feel good about it. You seem to be really thinking this through, and have the support of your family. Like EZ2Luv - I am not against adoption. I think it is a beautiful thing WHEN IT IS RIGHT for the child and their mother, and made for the right reasons. - But I don't think it is always the right choice. You will know. Maybe you already know. But do it your way, in your time. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything you don't fel good about. Good luck! And congratulations again on your baby!

Thanks everyone for your support and positive vibes! A little update: After fighting with the birthfather for three days about me not wanting to make a decision right now (he wants adoption only), we are on speaking terms again and are planning to hang out this weekend. He is a bit more accepting of the fact that I might actually keep the baby. He wants to be there throughout the pregnancy but it's hard to have him around since we are no longer together; At times I rather do it on my own:grr: but I know better because this is an emotional time for him as well. I just forget sometimes when I'm mad at him. I'll be sure to keep everyone posted as things progress... I still have three months to go!

Glad to hear you are getting along with the bdad. I think it's a really good idea to take your time making your decision.

Calirosie, believe me, your baby's father is going to feel totally different towards your child once he or she is born. I have heard time and time again how once reluctant fathers become doting fathers when they hold their newborn infants. The same goes with reluctant grandparents. My mother got pregnant with me at age 16, and delivered me when she was 17 years old. Her mom, my wonderful grandmother who I miss more than anything in this world, decided she was not going to ever love "the baby". She was the first person allowed to hold me, however, and her heart just melted when I looked up into her eyes. Needless to say, she became a doting grandmother who lavished tons of love on me! :love:

After hanging out with the b-father for the past month and him saying he wanted to be there for me during my pregnancy, I found out that he has a new girlfriend and they have been dating pretty much the whole time since I told him about my pregnancy (he met her 3 days before I told him) but he was hiding it from me and I found out on my own and asked him point blank. He admited it and said he just wanted to pretend like he had a "normal" life and I can't always be there for him. With all the stress I have been going through, this really just pushed me over the edge (I found out on Halloween) and made me really hysterical. Even though our relationship was platonic at that point, I thought he would have enough consideration to wait until after I have the baby to get a new girlfriend if he wants to be so involved in the pregnancy and be there next to me while I give birth (I think it was more about control). It was all just too weird for me and yesterday after fighting with him for two days, I sent him an e mail that enough is enough and he has caused so much drama continously throughout the pregnancy and it's too stressfull for me to deal with right now so I cut him out. And eliminated his opinions from the decision making process. It's not like I expect anything from him if I were to keep my baby. I'm opening up to my family and friends now and relying on them (he didn't want them involved, he thought we should be going through this alone together or something; probably because most of them want me to keep the baby) and I am going to see a therapist to help me work out all these emotions I am going through. Yesterday I actually called my dad and told him I've been pretending like I am dealing with this fine but I'm really not okay and he said he would pay for counseling. Because the b-dad was pushing adoption so hard and then to find out he has a new girlfriend; It makes his intentions seem so murky and selfish. I'm also opening up to more family members and friends about my pregnancy (the b-dad wanted me to tell as little people as possible); I felt like I was hiding in my house before and scared to go out and have people I know see me. I've been so hard on myself about this situation and my little break-down the past two days made me realise that it wasn't good for me. I told one of my best friends that I had been avoiding since I found out and she was so awsome and supportive that I wish I had told her sooner. The cool thing is that she lives really close to me so she is going to be spending a lot of time with me these next two months and probably be with me in the room during delivery. Well I have to be strong now and not let other people's opinions affect me any longer!

Good for you!! I am sorry that you went through all the hurt and drama, but in the long run you were able to elimenate negative pressure into a decision that will affect you for the rst of your life. Now you can take a deep breath and look to your family, friends and options without walking on eggshells. Now it is you and YOUR baby, free to make your own decision. I wish more young women wold be like you, there would be far less broken hearted first moms out there.. I have a feeling you are going to do just fine, in act I know you are. Do you realize you have just done the first thing that a mother does? You placed what is best for YOUR baby before anything and anybody else even though it caused you pain. This my dear one is the true act of a mother. You are in my prayers God Bless, EZ

I'm sorry about your baby's father, but I want to say congratulations to you! For you to make the best possible decision for you and the baby, you need to be as emtionally healthy as possible. You need to make the decision that is the best for you and your baby. My choice was to place 35 years ago, primarily because of my belief that a child deserves to have parents who are ready to be a family. I still believe I made the right decision for D, but it hasn't been evening. Listen to everyone's advice and then follow your own heart!

Calirosie - Good luck coming your way as you process what is going on with you. You sound very capable and competent, so I am sure you will do what you know is right for you. I just wanted to share a birthfather experience of my own with you. I am only telling of my situation - not trying to make it a template for anyone else's experience. My situation on the whole adoption thing is not totally typical, although probably more common than is admitted to. My son's birthfather was a yutz in that it was all about him. He wanted to be normal while I was pregnant. We had dated for years before I got pregnant, but we were broken up when I found out too. He was dating someone else, but she broke up with him when she found out I was pregnant because she thought we needed to work it out without her. Admirable! Then he dated a friend of mine and actually took her to prom. I was CRUSHED (also I was 17 at the time). Anyhow, somehow he and I have stayed friends through all this. He was in the delivery room etc. I brought my son home with me until the intense pressure of yutz birthfather and my parents were too much. He softened to his child, and his mom saw it and sent him away. 2000 miles away. When I was pregnant he threatened suicide a lot. He was not ready to be a dad. In August of this year, our son now 18, my ex-boyfriend committed suicide. His demons of how he acted 18 years ago, how he dated someone else, etc. finally got the best of him. He talked about this to me time and again. It ate at him for so long, even though I have long forgiven him. It has taken me time to realize he did what I had hoped he would not do then. In the end we have no control over how the biodad decides to act, deal with it, etc. And that is not your concern. Focus on you and your child. He will or will not be a part of it. You have enough to deal with, this is not for your shoulders too. Best wishes.

I'm an adoptive mother, reading this thread because the moderator of the Transracial Adoption Forum suggested that we should read some other forums to learn more about the different aspects of adoption.This is not necessarily true. Our son's bdad wanted nothing to do with him from day one. Wasn't involved in any way. Didn't even want to admit that he was the biological father. Never met our son, even though he had plenty of chances to do so. He didn't want to. *SOME* fathers do have changes of heart, but it is by no means a sure thing. I would imagine that the same is true of potential grandparents - some change, some don't. I do want to say one more thing. With open adoption (which I know is not generally binding) an expectant mom can choose the couple, meet with them, get a feel for them, etc. This generally wasn't the case in the 1970s and 1980s. If there are particular qualities a woman is looking for in parents, she can screen for them. Finally, I think that waiting to decide after the birth of your baby is in no way too late. I wish you strength and courage!:hippie: