Another question for aparents...

We are placed on a list. The expecting parents complete a matching check list and then the SW find couples to present that would be a good "fit". The expecting mother gets to then pick the family that she feels would best fit their child

The agency we've gone through is notorious for long "waiting lists" but is not really a waiting list, or a place in line. It just means your profile is added to all the other profiles of approved families for birthmothers to choose from. Some couples wait for a matter of months, some wait for years. Nothing happens until a birthmother chooses you, and they choose families based on our profiles which has a letter and information about our likes, dislikes, family structure, hobbies, vacations etc. We've been matched with a potential birthmother since July and she found our family by looking online at our agencies profiles. She selected six of her favorite profiles based on our education, where we live, our age, our hobbies, and mostly by the letter we wrote (she cried when she read it). She narrowed those down to three couples and emailed all of us several times to get to us better. A few weeks later she selected us because she felt most comfortable with us and liked us the most. Birthmothers can now be VERY picky about what family they send their baby nowdays. There's a lot of opportunity now for a birthmother to get to know their adoptive family beforehand. I probably have about 300 emails in my inbox over the past six months from our potential birthmother since we have had a really long match (and the baby hasn't even been born yet!) We love her so much and have become very close friends with her. Her doctor is inducing her this weekend. We've emailed each other almost every day so we've become close friends. Though some people I'm sure would prefer a "waiting list" I'm glad those days are over. Birthmothers are truly the ones that should choose where their baby goes, not just who's next in line.

This is right... The Case workers pull profiles from the "list" which is more like a "pile"...based on what the afam answers about themselves, and what the bfam answered and asks for....then the bfam gets to pick....occasionally the bfam can't decide, so other profiles are pulled that initially may not have looked like the best match. The profiles are a 2 page birthparent letter and 2 pages of photos. There is also online profiles...I referenced my paper profile in my online one, and vice versa....then I included different or more info online as well as different pictures...so that the bparents could get MORE info about us than just the little paper profile had.When a bmom takes home profiles, she is encouraged to read them and pray about them. When a bmom wants a fully closed adoption, the case worker reads the profiles and prays about them and then chooses for the bmom. However, there are less and less couples waiting to adopt who would ever consider a closed adoption. So that pile of profiles is relatively small. Even so, I have heard of "divine mistakes" where profiles were pulled and considered when they never should have been a match in the first place...and thats who ends up chosen. The answer can also be "none of these".....so what you put on your paperwork really has less to do with it if everyone involved is prayerful. Our dd's bmom really didn't even read what we wrote...all the hours and months of agony filling out the questionaires and picking the photos.....in the end, none of it mattered. She looked at the list of profiles online and read our first names and "just knew" we were to be A's parents.My prayers were that the bparents would "know" we were the ones.

It sounds like things really have changed. It's good to know the girls have a choice like that and can actually be in contact with the child through it's life. When I gave my daughter up for adoption, I probably could have given her to a family that I knew that was wanting to adopt. I just didn't know that I had those kinds of choices back then. I figured since I was in the foster home for unwed mothers that I didn't have a choice. There was a sweet lady that I remember in my ward at the time telling me that she wanted to adopt a baby because she couldn't have one and asked if I would consider letting her have my baby. I wish I had because at least I would have known who my daughter was raised by and maybe even have been able to see her grow up. I just don't know. The LDS agency didn't tell me anything about my rights or anything else. They pressed the point that my parents would have to pay for the hospital bill and doctor bills and all that stuff and the caseworker pounded it into my head that my parents couldn't afford to do that. My dad and mom had enough money to do that but my dad didn't want two babies in the house. (my mom was pregnant too) and my baby had to be the one to go. That's the other thing that was constantly told to me. Although I do beleive that prayer helps in all matters, I don't beleive that they prayed like they said they did about the people who adopted my daughter. After hearing her horror stories about her life with those people, I don't believe that God would have told anyone to put my child in those people's arms. I just wish I had the ability to have known who my daughter was going to be raised by and who she was going to be calling mom and dad. That would have been so much easier to handle all the years she was gone until we met. I do however think not having a waiting list probably puts a lot of people out of adopting in a timely way but on the other hand it really does help the child and the mother to be placed in a home where the mother knows the family. Rylee

I was born (God's direct choice) into an abusive family where I'd wish that I was secretly adopted and had another family out there who loved me. So I can imagine that God would also allow her to be placed in that home. Also back then babies were considered to be a "blank slate" so that it didn't matter much if personalities matched in the 2 families. The education was that a child was formed by NURTURE rather than NATURE...now we know it is a combination of both. Perhaps she was chosen for the family because she would have been strong enough to handle it, where the other children wouldn't have.

I understand what you're saying about god putting children with abusive bio-parents etc but if the agency prayed for my daughter's family and who she should go to for adoption, this family she went to should never EVER have had a child placed in their home. Ever. There were more well balanced, sane, normal people than those people. I'm sure of that. In my opinion if God had anything to do with it my daughter would have gone to a home where they loved her and didn't feel the need to control every move she made until she became a very insecure person who is still fighting demons. Her adoptive mom is STILL controling her life even though my daughter is 31 years old. Her adoptive mom controls her with guilt trips, money (she is very wealthy and uses the money as blackmail to keep my daughter doing things she wants her to do in order to continue to be in her Will to get money when this woman is dead) and whatever else she can do to keep her under her thumb. Her adoptive mom makes threats if my daughter moves where she can't see her because she wants to be in another state. She keeps telling her that she has no right to take her grandchildren from her and she'll fight for custody if she tries to leave the area. She wanted to move and her adoptive mom "wont' allow it". My daughter wasn't strong enough to withstand the horible things she went through. She caved and became a person who worships the devil, is a drug addict, alcoholic, who abuses her own kids, is married to a person who claims multiple personalities and cross dresses and doesn't beleive in God. That just makes me believe that God had nothing to do with where she was placed. I believe that the family she went to were personal friends of the woman who handled the adoption and is the only reason they went to that home. Too much evidence points to that since meeting them. I do understand the thing about the "clean slate". They sure were uninformed back in those days. I'm just glad that things have gotten better in that respect and the world realizes that these children who are adopted do have some things (good or bad) that will be like their bio-families. Rylee

OOOhhhhhh YIKES! Sorry to hear about all that.Well, direct divine inspiration is a bit different than "god allowing it" to happen. I too can't believe it was an "inspired placement" but I also have faith enough to know that God only allows us to have what we are able to "handle".Funny thing about our adoption was A's bmom telling us that A was exactly like us and nothing like her....I still can't see much of S in A....and S always said "just wait till you get to know her better you'll see what I mean, and why I am so sure she belongs with you all."I can see what she means know. A being in S's home made her into the kind of person that is like me and my DH. Physically she really doesn't look much like S even. It's really odd to me, because I was prepared to parent a "mini-S" and what I got was more a "mini-me" as far as attitude, and take on the world. She does have talents of her b-fam....but that seems to be all. I haven't seen a pic of her bdad, but I can only imagine she's his spitting image, because she doesn't resemble S at all.AND, it interesting to see the traits and skills I acquired due to my own abuse/neglect. It's very interesting because I see those things being very useful to me as I raise my dd. Odd stuff I never considered anything but quirky...not at all useful....now I need it for her sake...So, I think some things are allowed for reasons down the road we may not be able to fathom.