What should I tell my son and when?

I am a mom of 3, one bio son who is 8 and two adopted, one son 7.5 and a daughter who is 6. My son was adopted at 3.5 he is now 7.5 and my daughter at 2. She is now 6. I tell my little ones all the time that they are adopted. We speak about Guatemala as a very poor country but a beautiful place because it is where they were born. They ask if they were in my belly and I tell them that they were brought to me by a big airplane. I tell them a story of how their birth Mom wasn't able to care for them and I was searching and searching for my special little boy/girl and finally found them. I then say how happy I was and that at first they were nervous (and they remember meeting me, well my 3.5 yr old did anyway) but then we loved each other forever and ever. I know of certian foods they used to eat with their foster families and I cook them for them often, I buy them special cookies they remember and we speak about Guatemala often. Not specifically about their birth Mom's but about traditions. They both definitely know they are adopted. My daughter who is now 6 denies it and says "Mommy we have the same hair, I came out of your belly" I correct her all the time and say, no you didn't, you came to Mommy on the big airplane from Guatemala like your brother. I hope I am doing the right thing by telling them so soon, I do not want them to ever resent me. The very little info I have on their Birth Moms I plan on sharing with them, I guess when the time is right. Am I doing the right thing???? I do not know but it feels right. They have never asked questions so I assume they are ok with what I have told them so far. I want to be 100% honest always. My son doesn't speak too much about it, but he has vivid memories of being in Guatemala and being very poor, he will at times tell me there was not enough food and the "foster brothers used to take his toys" I think he blocks out the memories because they were not good ones. But I believe he was very attached to his foster Mom. He has an enourmous heart and he had no problem attaching to me early on. My daughter was passed from Foster home to home. she had a hard life her first two years. Her BioMom was very poor and she was very ill. My daughter had a horrific case of scabies and was very malnurished. just 20 lbs at 2 years old. She has no memories because she was younger. Again, any advise is valued, I hope I am doing the right thing by talking openly about it... I wish you all luck! and promise!!! jenn :-)

I am so happy to have found this thread and have learned a lot. Thank you for sharing. I do have a question though...I understand that telling them early is best and this is our plan...what I'm not sure about is the "often" part. How often is often? I'm just wondering if saying it constantly would lead my child to wonder why I am constantly telling her. Any insight to this would be greatly appreciated! :)

My parents were always honest (I'm half black, both my parents are white so it's not been a big secret lol) and told us age orientated details.

I have to say there are times my kids adoption comes up everyday and times it is not mentioned for weeks, but we have enriched our lives with tradition and positive discussion that it does come up all the time. I speak about it as a wonderful special quality that my children are excited to talk about and thrive to hear more and more... Age is key, you will know when it feels right, I did. Good luck and remember the truth is never ever wrong.

tell him he's adopted- and if he ever asks, tell him the exact situation. im an adoptee - my birthfather does not know that i exist - fact. I think this is worse for him than me...I've had a happy upbringing, i wouldnt change it for all the money in the world...or for manything else...but if it was the case that he did not want to know about me, i would want to know that, to keep me sane. as appose to wondering who he was and where he was. truth is always better than the lies. fact!

How was that for you, were you adopted domestically, or international?...It is hard for me because I do not have any clue who the birth fathers are... Just the Moms. With our two adoptive children, there was no info on the fathers. How do I handle that one? They have not asked me yet, but they will... they are getting older and although I tell them everything I know, how do I handle what I don't know...

I have always known i was adopted. I came to live with my adoptive parents at the age of 2. I remember it so it was never a secret that I was adopted. I think what you are doing is great. You are letting them know of their heritage while at the same letting them know how much you wanted them and love them. That is the most important thing...just let them know no matter how they came to you love them. When they are ready to know more information they will probably let you know. They might start asking questions as they get older and when they do I would just show them all the information you have and explain everything to them the best that you can.

Just tell them the truth. Tell them that you do not know who their biological father is. That you were never given that information. Tell them the only info you have is on their biological mother and ask them if they would like to know that information.

I am glad I found this thread. My daughter was placed with us at 2 months old as a foster child and is now 21 months old. When she was 10 months old her bio-mom was pregnant and they asked to place the new baby with us. We said "Yes!" The new baby was due in March. We had a crib and clothes and diapers, etc. The baby came early and I found out 7 days after he was born that he went home with the paternal grandparents (no relation to my daughter). I graciously sent the clothes and diapers to that grandma. She sent me a photo for my daughters baby book and that was the end... or so I thought. All agreed it was in my daughters's best interest to remain with me. At the last MDT the bio-parents attended the mom told them she would not appeal her termination and the dad said he would relinquish if I would be the one raising her. They did not want their parents involved and knew she had a great life with me. The other MDT members told them the relinquishment could not be conditional, but her permanency plan was for us to adopt. Then, I get a call in June saying it is the law that my daughter has to have sibling visits with her 4 month old half-sibling. After 2 of 3 adoption worker home visits I was told I had to sign a post-adoptive contract saying the children would have visits every 2 weeks, like us and the boys family were divorced, for the rest of their lives... even after the adoption is final or they will "reconsider her placement". We too wanted to tell her in age appropriate blocks about her adoption and siblings and when she asked to meet him say "sure, honey" and contact the boys grandmother. It could only be a benefit and build our bond and trust to facilitate the meeting at her request. She could be 6 or 8 or 10, but we would talk about it openly and often. However, we are not being given the choice to raise her and tell her is age appropriate blocks and her questions will come much harder and it will be much more difficult for her. Her "story" began with us before her bio-mom even began dating the other boy's bio-dad. It is hard for us that our plan has been hijacked by strangers. Instead of her having her own story, strangers are writing it for her. They told me she will have to have visits every 2 weeks with every bio-half-sibling her bio-mom and bio-dad ever have! Bio-mom is 19 and has already been pregnant 4 times (now a rumored 5th) and has 2 living children. I don't have the option of getting to tell her in my own way at the appropriate time, but I would start with stories and answer questions age appropriately. The honest will only help build your bond. Meeting bio-family is a totally different issue and should be the child's idea when they are ready. Again, it could only help to facilitate that meeting when the child asks you. It will strengthen your parent-child bond. If you don't help, they'll get on the internet and do it anyway and you'll grow apart. I wish you so much luck and hope you find all of the advice and support you need to help you feel, not only comfortable, but happy with your decision.

Not an adoptee here however have friends and family who have adopted as well. My wifes cousin adopted a child and what they did was had books that had adoption in the stories, and read those to them, also left them laying aroudn for them to look at as they wanted so they had an idea about what adoption was and then when they were old enough to understand a bit more they were told that they had been adopted. Because of the previous topics of adoption and the steps used to introduece it and get them used to the idea before being told made the information easier to handle. this particular child has not had any issues about being adopted with a closed adoption. Hope this helps

OMG-had you wrote this story 18 years ago I would have thought it was about me. I gave my son up for adoption in 1992. His "father" did the same thing...deny deny deny...well there was no denying it when the boy was born...he looked JUST like him. But I NEVER wanted to place my son. I just knew I could never support him and give him what he deserved. I already had a two year old daughter. My ex then tried to stop the adoption two weeks after my son went home with his new Mommy and Daddy. It took 8 months of court battles and like the old saying goes.."Money talks and BS walks..." and you can just guess who took a Looong walk that day. SO my advice to you, (and I too was also adopted)...wait till he is old enough. I was 8 when my sister told me I really wasent a part of our family....it was devestating. I have spent years searching for my bio parents with no luck. ALways felt out of place. In your heart you will know when the time is right....I believe in waiting till they are atleast 18...its been a hard wait for me...my son just turned 18 today. Now I hope and pray he tried to find me...I would never intrude on his life. Good luck...you'll know

Hey Beth, your question may have been answered already, but i wanted to put my 2 cents in anyway. I was taken care of by my Parents since birth, and one of the things that made being adopted such a positive experience was that my -Parents- didn't pity the situation that lead to it. There was simply no need to. The facts were that being adopted provided me with a better life completely, so why dwell negatively on a situation long past? So if you present his baby story as a negative experience of him being abandoned, then of course that's how he's going to view it himself. You are his Mother, after all. And children are keen to sense the feelings of their Parents. Therefore my suggestion is to present the story as part of his history and not his present life. Don't hide a thing, because (as shown in previous posts) that seems to brew more pain than the truth. Congratulations on Parenthood! *Asoma

My suggestion is to tell the truth. As much as you know. If you gild the lily and tell your son half truths like there is some potential for contact with his birth mother after it's pretty clear for whatever reason she is not ready you are setting him up for a world of heartache. Tell him that she was not willing to have a relationship but that might change and that you will support him. It might change who knows but going in with all the facts in essential. Some people are just not equipped to deal with this. I believe that it's a child right to know.

I am a 26 yr old adult adoptee and I wanted to let you know that you are doing the right thing. My parents read me children's books about it as well. Always knowing made it seem like it was nothing it even made me feel more loved at times because they "chose" me. He will go through the emotions of not feeling loved or good enough and may even have the thought of if my bparents could get rid of me so easily wont me parents now also do the same? As long as you are there to catch him when he falls and reassure him he is your world and you love him more than anything he will get past it. I went through many emotions and had many questions but it helped always knowing how much I was loved and that they were so open, because of my parents I respect my bparents for giving me up what ever their reasons. My adoptive parents are my REAL parents and no one will ever replace them even if I meet my biological parents someday. They have always been there for me, loved me, and caught me when I fell. I love them more than words could ever express and thank God for blessing me with them everyday. Keep doing what you are doing, tell him you love him everyday, and help him through all the emotions he will have. He will get through it and be ok in the end especially with parents like you!

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