What do you do ?

November 12, 2007

Hi~ I am the natural mother to a daughter born almost 20 years ago. She was adopted by her paternal Aunt. I was told that she would always know... Long story short, I found her earlier this year on myspace, and was the one that informed her of her being adopted. She did not know. All her family had lied to her. Anyway, once the "cat" was out of the bag... I couldn't continue the lie. So... my question is, what do you do when faced with this. I can't change my situation, but maybe I can help someone else. Or, make myself understand. I don't understand how some adoptive parents can keep this secret, how can a lifetime of lies be whats best for any child. I have heard some say that I am being selfish, told that it was selfish for me to even look for her. Maybe it was selfish, Im so confused. So... I told her the truth of her adoption, was this selfish too? I don't understand how something done out of love for my child, could continue to be so painful. Im so tired of it . First made to feel shame for a decision (possibly the hardest of my life) made out of love for my child. Then told for years to "get over it" Only to find my child, and have her adoptive mother first deny me then say horrible things about me. Im so very sad. I still miss her so much, so is missing her selfish ? As I sit here, the tears again burn my cheeks. I know all of this is ultimately my fault. If I had not let my life get into the shape it was, then I wouldn't have had to relinquish her. I know there are really no right answers here, just looking for insight, opinions and support. Thanks <3

bromanchik

November 13, 2007

How did you tell her? Was it inadvertantly? I cannot believe in this day and age she was not told she was adopted. How very sad and upsetting for her. How do things stand now? Do you have contact?

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Jackiejdajda

November 13, 2007

I was told that she would always know...

I.. just a while back.. had a very intense disagreement with an adoptee about how adoptive parents should must.. respect the birthparent..

This person made a comment like.. “Do you really think the adoptive parent needs to say nice things about the birthparent?” Or something like that..

I say.. heck yes..

Its about disrespect to me.. disrespect for the person adopted and disrespect for the one that gave birth to he or she..

Its wrong..

Long story short, I found her earlier this year on myspace, and was the one that informed her of her being adopted. She did not know. All her family had lied to her.

That was wrong.. and she is not a child she is twenty.. She has a right to her personal truths..

Anyway, once the "cat" was out of the bag... I couldn't continue the lie. So... my question is, what do you do when faced with this.

I believe we can learn how to cope with this kind of betrayal.. Learn how to accept what has gone down and then act accordingly..

Yes how you talk with the relinquished daughter is important.. but accepting having a promise not done and accepting that this is a human condition..is key here.

I can't change my situation, but maybe I can help someone else. Or, make myself understand. I don't understand how some adoptive parents can keep this secret, how can a lifetime of lies be whats best for any child.

It happened.. and now there may be some bad feelings..

Day one of the rest of your life.. day one of your reunion… How do you handle it is key to me..

I have heard some say that I am being selfish, told that it was selfish for me to even look for her. Maybe it was selfish, Im so confused. So... I told her the truth of her adoption, was this selfish too?

Your birthdaughter was not told the truth.. how selfish is that?

Stand solid in yourself.. Secrets and lies help no one.. that is bottom line thinking to me..

Secrets and lies about my bson separated me from my sister for many years..

We stopped speaking.. and after my mom died we become friends again.. I loved my sister and I was not able to tell her about my son..

It’s a wrong way to life..

You are right.. IMO and they (the ones that say secret keeping is good) are wrong..

I don't understand how something done out of love for my child, could continue to be so painful.

You did something that was incredibly unselfish.. You gave your child life and you put your child into a home that you thought would be a good home and a good place in her life..

I did the same..

IMO you were not given the respect you deserve..

Im so tired of it . First made to feel shame for a decision (possibly the hardest of my life) made out of love for my child. Then told for years to "get over it" Only to find my child, and have her adoptive mother first deny me then say horrible things about me.

Her adoptive mother is wrong.. and trust me you are not alone in this..

I know of other birthmoms that this has happened to.. I know of one women that was promised pictures and promised good good things and she was cut off.. and her reunion has not gone well..

Its so unfair..

Im so very sad. I still miss her so much, so is missing her selfish ? As I sit here, the tears again burn my cheeks. I know all of this is ultimately my fault. If I had not let my life get into the shape it was, then I wouldn't have had to relinquish her. I know there are really no right answers here, just looking for insight, opinions and support.

You take responsibility for your actions.. that’s a given..

I know I got pregnant when I knew I was taking chances..

But all things are multi determined.. and not just one thing set this in motion..

You did the best you could.. and life has handed you a terrible curve..

But find the core issue.. in this.. do some journaling..

And think well of yourself.. bad has happened to you.. wrong has happened..

Secrets and lies.. help no one..

I think some of us need to accept what life has handed us..

Accept and make the best of it.. stand solid in self and grieve what needs to be grieved and connect.. with love and not anger..

Big ticket I know..

And I know I am not there yet..

Jackie

EZ2Luv

November 13, 2007

Any and all lies or ommisions of truth in an adoption is wrong and if the truth is not disclosed the adoptee ends up suffering. Trust me on that! It was done to me and to this day will carry that violation and betryal to my death bed. If I didn't have such a strong faith in God I would have lost my mind when I found out the truth. I was never lied to about actually being adopted, I was lieed to about the fact that my Amom's sister was my Biomom. I was close enough to this woman who I belived was my aunt that she could have told me. I was very close to Amom and I never beilieved either one would ever betray and decieve me in such a way. You did the right thing by telling her.

Aparents sometimes don't realize how important the truth is to an adoptee. Adoptees have a right to know who they are. It IS selfish to lie.