Has your child ever said this?

It is a very normal question for children his age. They are very concrete. "My first mother gave me away so it must have been something I did." You can use all the flowery language you want but to a kid that is how it feels until it is explained otherwise. Also, this has nothing to do with you or how much he is loved by you. It is his feelings about his first mother - they are totally seperate.

I agree with Brenda. Very Normal.

I have to agree with the other Parents here it is strange how kidos see stuff My 4 yr old BD was sitting there the other night I started to cry thinking of having to give up my nephew he has been here for 1 year and he was 4 months when he was taken from his parents. We are his family! So 4 yr old ask me Mommy why are you sad I said J's Daddy wants to take him back and we might have to give him back. She sat on my lap and cried with me then she ask me why she said but Mommy I love him sooooo much so why he is my brother. I told her that is just the way it might have to be. She sat for along time crying then she ask me are you going to give me away too mommy. They try real hard to make sense out of things even we as parents dont understand.

Kids that age are psychologically very self-centered. They pretty much think that almost everything that happens is because of something they did. For instance, children that age whose parents divorce often think it's because of something they did. I've heard stories of house fires where the children thought they'd caused it because they left a light on, or put clothing on top of a heater vent. I hope this helps.

I think we also have to be very careful of what we say. My dw broke down one time and dd came up to her and gave her a hug (Knowing why mommy was crying).She hug her for a bit and then looked over at me and said " Dad I hate him ". I told her not to say it again because you can not hate someone that you have never met and do not know.She may have been around 7 yrs old at that time. It sounded like the right thing to say at the time but now that we have an agreement with him we are having a tough time getting her to open up and allow all her emotions out.She will talk alittle bit about it and then change the subject.DW told her that it is ok if she wants to talk to him and it is ok if she does not but she needs to let us know how she is feeling and what she wants to do.She changed the subject.We do not want to push her to hard and she has called and talked to her brother one time but did not want to talk to bfather. She also said once that she wished she was not adopted and that we were her real parents.I gave her a hug and told her I was her real daddy and no one can change that. So far I think it is probably easier on the child going through a contested adoption when they are young then when they are at an age to where they can figure things out on there own. The word adoption to me use to mean that you were willing to give a child a chance at a good life.DD made that statement that she wished she was not and made me realize that I have no clue as to the meaning of the word. All I know is that we have been family since she was born and I love her dearly and I am her daddy in every sense of the word. GOD BLESS

Thank you for your responses. You guys are such a great support! Any ideas on what response is best? How can I make sure he knows it has nothing to do with him and is not his fault? C-

In Beth O'Malley's book Lifebooks: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child, she addresses this issue really well. One thing she talks about is to discuss the reason the birthparent couldn't take care of the child but emphasize adult responsibility. And, if it's true, explain that the birthmother couldn't care for ANY child, not just them. The way I put it in my daughter's lifebook, which I gave to her at the age of 4, was exactly how she had it in her book: "After children are born, they either live with their birthparents or move into another family or orphanage. There are many reasons why children don't stay with their first mother and father. All the reasons have to do with the parents, not the kids. Little babies can't do anything wrong. How could they? They are just little goo goo ga ga babies." She does go into more depth in her book; I highly recommend it. Liz

I think it's normal also, Christie. I haven't waited for my children to ask if they were not parented by their first parents because of something THEY did. I've told them outright their own stories and given them the reasons (as I knew them) as to why they could not parent. Because 2 of our children have other children that their first parents are not parenting, I explained to them that it was not only them that she could not parent but that, at the time of that child's birth, she could not parent ANY child, which I think alleviated them feeling like it was something about themselves. One of our children was born to a mother with MR and I have pointed out others we know closely that have handicaps and asked that child if he feels that person could be a good parent to a growing child. And to our last child, I will tell her, when she asks, that her first mother loved her very much but because of what was going on in her life at THAT time, she felt her daughter needed two strong parents to raise her. Try not to take it personally when your son acts. If you show him some discomfort about his asking, he may not want to be open to you in the future. He loves you as his mother, and he always will. Children need to have answers to these questions as they grow. I'm planning right now to take our 9 year old daughter to finally meet her birthmother. She was taken from her mother and placed in foster care and then came to our family through an adoption when she was 2. I have grown to know and love her first mother. I'm not at all a person who judges others. I strongly believe in "there but by the Grace of God go I". So I'm very excited for her to meet the woman that gave her birth who is now doing well in her life, who respects me as our daughter's mother, the same way I respect HER as my daughter's other mother. Our daughter has a very positive attitude about adoption, she says she has two mothers and loves us both. I feel no threat about that. As a matter of fact, I feel very proud that our daughter is growing to be a confident and loving child that forgives others because there is a time in all of our lives when we will all deserve forgiveness also.

Christie, Another book I liked was "Talking To Young Children About Adoption"....your son's question seems to be a "common" one for that around that age. I haven't had to deal with answering any questions (my DD is 2) but it gives some good "responses" to certain questions....Good luck!