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How long after a failed adoption did you start to feel better, or even remotely like yourself again?
I learned late Friday night that the expectant mother has chosen to parent. (She is being induced tomorrow.) When I first saw the agency's phone number I thought, "This is the call! She must be in labor!" So needless to say when I received the news that this wasn't my baby after all I could hardly breath.
Logically I knew that this was a possibility, but my heart is still shattered. This mother has not been able to successfully parent her previous children, and the thought of this little one being taken from her in a year or two seems to make my grief even worse. (I pray this time it will be different for her.)
I know some of you have had a similar experience and have made it through to the other side. Do you feel that time is the only thing that will help ease this pain?
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It took me about 3 weeks to really get it through my head that it wasn't going to happen. In our case the mom was still "deciding" even though she had given birth, was nursing, and actively parenting her daughter at home. So at 3 weeks I was about 60% back to normal.It took me about 3 months and an out-of-state vacation before I felt 99% back to normal. Be patient with yourself. Some people compare it to the grief of death. I, personally, did not feel that level of grief- but it can really be hard.Natalie
Yes, time, and the next serious possibility. Those were the two things that helped the most. If ever I doubt that I'm able to pick it all up and get started again, all I need is to have the phone ring and my heart races and I know I'll be ready.Ours both ended after the baby was born. The second time it was us who decided to walk away after having the baby with us for several days. Six months later, I'm so glad we did, but I still ache for that baby, like part of me thinks he is missing and needs to find him. It's lessened, but hasn't yet gone away. You go back to feeling like yourself, but I wouldn't expect to be the same person you were before. Recognize that there may be a new "normal" for you.
CSquared makes a good point, coming to terms with this may alter your way of thinking, a new normal.
After losing our 1st placement another couple who had went through similar experience told us to make sure to grieve together, that the heartbreak of it almost ruined their marriage. That was the only advice we took to heart, we also got out of town for a few days.
We took some time for us but we also jumped right back in the pool.Within just a couple of days, as soon as the agency had finished the financial reconcilliation, we told them we were ready to move forward and wanted to stay with them (we'd lose less money that way). They had us matched again within a month. We had a long wait on that pregnancy but we brought home a beautiful little girl 6 months after the failed match.For us it helped that we didn't meet the baby. It was hard though because she was in jail (not county either) for assault on a police officer. She was in a methadone treatment plan and that baby had to go through withdrawal at the hospital without anyone except hospital staff. Her time in jail convinced her that this time she could stay clean. I hope for his sake she did.I still from time to time wonder what happened to that little boy. I hope he's fine. For us, jumping back in the pool and trying to move towards a new situation helped us put the failed situation behind us. It's different for everyone though. Do what feels right for you.
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I appreciate each of your responses so much. I was at a very low point when I originally posted, and have taken your insight to heart. As I reach the three week mark I am much closer to feeling back to myself - but you are right - its a "new" normal. I also spoke with my agency and let them know that I was ready to move forward. I will do things differently next time... I won't share the news with as many people, I won't pick out names, or anything else I knew I should haven't been doing. I'll pray for patience as I wait for "the call" and then I'll be able to go back into the nursery that I decorated a little too early. Thank you again!
