I need some help please

It makes me sad that your dd doesn't know who her Mother is and I fear that it is a secret that you will not be able to keep and it will not end well. We have both and open and a semi open adoptions and have explained why one might not receive a gift that another child might receive. One dd gets presents from her Mother and sisters but she does not provide any for my other children. The other children's family does group gifts b/c they are related to so many of my children they can not afford to do something separate for all of them. It is not an issue b/c they know why it is happening.

[QUOTE=Tudu]It makes me sad that your dd doesn't know who her Mother is and I fear that it is a secret that you will not be able to keep and it will not end well. I am not keeping it a secret she is only 18ms. old. She will know she is adopted but when we think she can understand we will tell her who her BM is.

I simply question that timeline that you're setting in your mind. My daughter was able to understand well before many psychological resources said she should have been able to and I attribute that to her parents determination to make sure that she was given honest and up front information from the very beginning. For example, she has a picture next to her bed of her Mom and me, while pregnant with the Munchkin. I've always been a part of her reality which is why I think she has such a good understanding of who is who and what is what in relation to herself.

I encourage you to consider discussing it now while she is so little. This way it isn't a big event in her life discovering her Mother is her Aunt. It is a story she will just "know" instead of have to come to terms with. I know some family's think theri kids do not understand until a certain age but I and many others have found that not to be true. One of my dd's family is pretty involved in our lives and she has known since we first laid eyes on her that she had 2 mothers and who they were. It gets processed slowly over the years but there was never any kind of event for her to deal with, the loss that adoption brings is enough. What age is really a good age to tell them? 5, 10, 18? Trust me, this is much easier with a VERY young child, she will be able to have a relationship that is special with her mother from the begining. Please look around here and research the topic in books and online. I think you will see waiting may have consequences you didn't intend. Go to the adoptee and birthparent forums and see the other side of things, it will help you be the best adoptive parent you can be.

Your daughter knows who her mother is. It's you. Of course you should be telling her now that she was adopted, and that she grew in another woman's tummy. As her parent, you can decide when to tell her who her Birthmother is. I told my children early, and showed them pictures. By 2 1/2 my older one got it. And knew who her birthmother was. And who her brother's birthmother is. (Having a new sibling come along helps that process, I think). Given that it is your sister-in-law, everyone else in the family probably knows, or will know, and therefore, it should be open information to your daughters early on, so they don't feel it is a secret held from them. Tell your older daughter who her sister's birthmother is, if she is old enough to understand. But also tell her in no uncertain terms that YOU are her mom, and will be forever. Kids can come up with all kids of ideas that make sense to them... and since there is interaction, she may question the way it works, and the permanence of it. But kids are also capable of handling things way better than we often assume, too. Especially if WE can handle it well. As for the gift thing... Yes, it was not especially thoughtful of your sister-in-law to buy a gift for one child and not the other. Although I see where she is coming from, - your other daughter is not her birthchild. I would not ban her from the gift thing. I would tell her why you are not comfortable with it, like you did, but instead of not accepting the gift, I would thank her for it and let your daughter wear it. Who needs to know where it came from? The problem comes later when both daughters are older, and one gets gifts from the aunt that the other doesn't. If the birthmother was not related to both girls, it would be easier to explain to your older daughter. But since she is your other daughter's aunt, yes, she SHOULD get gifts - even a token gift - for you older daughter. That is just common courtesy. But you are not in control of your sister-in-law's courtesy. You are only a steward of your own family. You can tell her that in the future, if she doesn't have gifts for both children, then to give them to you privately, so the older daughter won't feel left out. That just stands to reason. If anyone, regardless of relationship, came to give a gift to one of my children and not the other, I would ask them to do it privately, not in front of other children.

I think your decision is reasonable. Your s-i-l is now an aunt to both your children, so she should acknowledge her niece with a token gift. It was very thoughtless and immature of her not to do so. It is not the cost, it is the fact that your oldest daughter looks upon her as an aunt, and would not understand the favoritism. Maybe this is her way of controlling the situation a little, and hoping to force more openness than you are ready for at the moment? Sometimes relative adoptions are more difficult because of the rearrangement of relationships. Good luck, and remember YOU are the mother.