reunited men

Hello intense I am a birthmom who has reunited with my bson and I would love to know more about your question. I do not think my bson has changed emotionally since reunion.. but heck I don't know much about his emotional well being.. Jackie

I understand that most adoptees have some sort of issue with trust and fear of rejection - they say that adoptees subconsciously feel as though they have been rejected by their biological mothers(although this is rarely the case!), and the impact is so severe that they cannot risk being rejected ever again. I can see this in myself to a degree, because anytime I have become involved with women, I have waited until we were close enough that there was NO chance of rejection before "making a move". I can see it in others I know who are adopted, who have trouble staying in serious relationships for fear of being hurt or cast away. I suspect this all varies based on how close adoptees are to their adoptive mothers (mine and I do pretty well). With all that said, I am wondering if, following reunion, a mother-shaped void in the subconscious mind of the adoptee is filled, and if a greater sense of security is recovered.

When I reunited with my bson I was and am held at arms length.. I have a feeling my bson is okay with (loves) his amom.. I think the very very different experience of the birthmom and the relinquished son or daughter is a very important part of reunion (and I know I am not speaking to your original post and will back off if others reply).. The bson or bdaughters experience is of abandonment (what you are addressing) and I think it is very important some birthmoms see this.. Some do not.. and think of the child or baby they have lost or given away.. How can something like this be sorted.. is what I look at.. My daughter (over 30) for some reason keeps having relationships with adult male adoptees.. I like them a lot. And I look for that fear of abandonment.. I know one did a lot of drugs etc.. and was kind of needy.. Have you reunited? Jackie

Hi WayTooIntense, My amom was dying of cancer in 1994 when she and my two sisters (who were 'biologicals' to her) decided they wanted to me to track down my 'biologicals.' I was getting ready to go to grad school and my whole life I had been too busy to open up that can of worms. I expected difficulty and failure. When I located them I expected rejection. Surprise for me! Life seems to always be filled with twists and turns that continually blow my mind. The first thing my bmom said to me was "so what is your temperment like?" Needless to say I was a little hurt and stammered that I seem OK to me! It's been 14 years. I clearly understand why she gave me up for adoption. My bfather is a psycho! (Talk about killing the fantasy of genetic superiority! LOL!) This site is awesome. It has been really helpful for me. I had never heard of Adult Reactive Attachment Disorder and what a relief! It is so nice to have some better perspective about why I do the things I do. The impact of being adopted is intense. There are a host of variables that can make the experience better or worse. In my experience, being completely honest with one's self is key. I am so scared of being close to people. I don't understand how 'normal' people function. I don't know how to relax and not be hyper vigilant. So I guess I take solace in the fact that my life is a work in process. My life is like literature. The pain and isolation I experienced growing up cultivated some interesting gifts. I have sabotaged every relationship I have had because of fear of abandonment. In many ways I would rather be alone and sad than be together with a woman and be totally out of my head trying analyze everything she does and says. So bottom line: I am not without hope. I know I need to do more work. Therapy is good when you have the right therapist. One hint of advice: just go out and date and have fun. At the same time develop some good friendships with family, friends or a therapist. Find your emotional grounding from a coach. That will help you avoid the nightmare of mixing sex with our emotional needs. In high school I had the perfect girlfriend but I held her to such unreasonably high standards of emotional reliability that eventually I ended it for no real reason whatsoever. I was just too vulnerable. I was too addicted. Finding good friends that understand you helps. Talking through things has really helped me from making more mistakes. All the best to you my friend. It's OK to be where you are. Keep a journal and you'll be able to read back and see your growth and progression. CYA Zatoichi

I've been reunited with my bmom since Oct of '04 and don't feel I've changed in the way I interact with women. But because my bmom and I are alot alike personality wise, it's been easy for us getting to know one another. But at the same time, she isn't trying to become a mother and I'm not trying to become a son. And I feel that's really helped us avoid alot of the emotional pitfalls some reunions have. Chris

My fiancee (male) after being Reunited last year, has become a changed man. He is more open with his feelings, more affectionate physically (more hugs and kisses) and verbally, (with I love you's). He seems to be at more peace with himself and has admitted he is. I asked him, "if it's true that an Adoptee lives with this empty hole inside and is it really filled, with Reunion?" He answered honestly, telling me, "yes." He simply lights up after talking to his birth mom and glows whether he makes the call OR she does. He spends the rest of the evening with a huge smile and I see the peace that comes across his face. This is a man, who has always lived his life, in a nutshell, not letting anyone in and not letting anything out!

Yo thanks!!!!You're all making my day/week/life!!!zatoichi...your comments were really helpful. You're as skillful with the human heart as you were in that one movie with the sword, you know? Incidentally, what do you mean by coach?Jackie...that's really interesting too...premature ego development and consciousness as a defense mechanism...doubtless the link between substance abuse and adoption arises from a subconscious desire to return to the stability of a former quiescence - LEAPING OUT OF TIME STRAIGHT BACK TO THE UNCONSCIOUSNESS OF THE WOMB! Is your daughter adopted, german, or the child of an alcoholic father? (If that's too much to ask, don't respond) That would make a lot of sense to me. (I'm serious)I'm stoked, I'm gonna do all the things you all told me too.:marine: :grouphug: :boot: :cowboy::us-virginia: :us-virginia: :us-virginia: :us-virginia: :us-virginia:

Waytoointense Ah.. Yes.. She has had two boyfriends that were adopted and both took or take a pass with getting stoned.. Take a pass.. and do not sort these emotions that force a person to turn around.. and feel.. left.. or abandoned.. Child of an alcoholic father.. I am a birthmom and told her nothing till she was eleven or close to that age.. I am or was.. a codependent people pleaser.. and I married the one that was tossed out of bars.. drove while drunk.. made my life hard.. She (my daughter) used to have dreams that I left her.. or was leaving her.. this before she knew the truth. After I told her she brought her friends home.. the ones that were adopted so they could talk to a birthmom.. I am the daughter of two heavy drinkers.. ones that drank themselves sober.. no problems till they drank beyond that.. German? No.. interesting question there.. My life is open.. I try and help now.. I have done twelve steps.. in a few programs.. Alanon being one of them.. and the twelfth step is what I do.. I worry about my daughter.. heck I worry about my son.. She is over thirty as well as the son.. I gave my bson up in 1965.. had daughter in 1975.. had son in 1977.. Jackie