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lately I feel like DD's birth mom is constantly doing this "sibling comparison" thing. for example, she emailed me a pic of DD as a newborn and a pic of her (almost one year old) DD as a newborn and said, "Can you tell them apart?" Also, every time I talk about a developmental milestone, she will say older DD did that right then too. It's weird. I appreciate the info, but I feel like she thinks everything is "preordained." Or that DD has to be so much alike her siblings (which, heck we all know siblings can be very much like or totally different even when they are raised together). Does this happen with anyone else? It just makes me feel really uneasy sometimes. I sometimes wish she would just focus as much on the "uniqueness" of DD. (just as her two girls are unique as well).
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Loveajax...awww, thank you :) I'm sorry that you are still struggling with this and I know it's hard not to get your feeling hurt. Have you tried mentioning to bmom that it bothers you? I'm trying to come up with a gentle way to let Nat's bmom know that it's bothering me. I would let it go but she really isn't letting up on it. And she seems to get irritated when I don't enthusiastically agree with her. I go back and forth with saying something or just letting it go. Any ideas on how to approach this is welcome.
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Sam, right now I am in the "letting it go" camp. Maybe I'm being wimpy, but I think I have to realize that it may be a "stage" (this is a relatively new development). The hard part for me is that it took a long time for DD's birth mom to "listen" to me when I would say things like, "she is your daughter too." (She would say, "no, she's YOUR daughter.") So I feel like this new stuff may be a "healthy" embracing of the fact that she also is DD's mom? I don't know????? I will be curious to see how you handle it as well! Thanks, Karen
Karen...don't worry about being wimpy, I'm right there with you, LOL! It's a tough situation. And, like you, it's more emotional for me than anything. It's not hurting my daughter, just my feelings and pride. Bmom lives only about 10 minutes from me, which means that we see each other regularly...which means that I hear the comments regularly. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that it's just a stage. And I'll let you know if I decide to say anything. Thanks again for starting this thread...it helps talking here about it.
Karen, I totally get what you're saying about getting DD's bmom to "realize" she's her mom too...I had a really hard time with this at my first visit. I feel like I was trying to overcompensate by saying things to A like "go to Mommy" or "look at Mommy" when taking pictures...and when she would say how beautiful A was and that I gave those traits to her I would get really awkward and embarassed almost. Sometimes it's just so strange to find that fine line where you can validate your own relationship to your child and your childs Moms relationship with the child at the same time...the need to find what binds me as a bmother to my DD is sometimes very strong, but no matter how strong that desire is, I would never hope that hurting D would be one of the byproducts of that connection being made.If it were me that was crossing a line, or hurting DD's amom, I would definitely want to know, because that turly wouldn't be my intention. Maybe start doing it subtely like by saying, "Yes, and itsn't it unique the way she......."I don't know, I've been thinking about this one a lot though...Good luck! You guys are great!
Thank you, Tmom! For some reason, it seems really "petty" to me (and to tell you the truth, if any other friend were doing something like this that annoyed me, I wouldn't say anything...see I'm a wimp!). As Sam said, it doesn't affect DD, it's more of a "hey, what about MEEEEE!" kind of thing (it's always about MEEEE! hahah).
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today i got an email from dd's birth mom that the other night she was looking at her youngest DD and burst into tears because she looks exactly like DD at that age. i won't lie...it is so hard to see an email like that. anyway, i just said I am sorry that happened and I am sure that there are so many hard moments and I am sorry. is that the "right" way to handle something like that? i am feeling really sad.
(((LOVE))) That is hard to read I know. Remember tho, you should never feel guilty for her pain. Easier said than done, I'm sure. I feel the same way sometimes when I see pics of my DD and how much we look alike, it just accentuates the connection and how much I miss her. There is no "right" way to respond. I think you responded just fine :grouphug:
Karen, sorry you're having to go through this. I guess it's a day-by-day thing, learning how to live in an open adoption. We spoke with DD's bmom today, and she's doing well, but was telling us that the reality of the adoption is just starting to sink in now (DD is 2 months old). She said that she's handling it okay, but it will take a while. The hard thing is DD is starting to look more and more like her, and I wonder what she will feel when we send pics this week, and meet with her again in a few months. We fell helpless as to how to assist her, but we told her that we would do anything she needed us to do - call more often, call less often etc. She wants to maintain the same level of contact (we speak almost every week). We're thankful that she is so honest with us, though. We'll see how things go.
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Love, D was asking about some of the hard moments at our visit this weekend, what it was like for me and all sorts of things. I didn't know how to answer. With the truth that I cried the entire way to the visit? I'm all for honesty too, but sometimes the honesty is a little too much (does that make sense?) But I do let her know about some of it. I told her it wasn't easy, but not all the details. I didn't want that to be her burden to carry.Sometimes when I say something that's hard, it's just so that she can know. Not that I need her to "fix" it, but just so that she can know where I'm coming from and what it's like. I think the way you responded was great too :)
I know what you mean. Our boy's bmom does the same thing. I am not sure if it is for my benefit, making me see they are part of her family or for hers. In fact, at times it feels like I am talking with another mother who is competitively comparing our children, which is wierd. Anyway, I know how you feel. I see the similarities already on my own though.
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I sometimes feel the same way about comparisons to birthrelatives...
My DD has been sleeping 5-7 hours at night since she was 4 weeks old and when I told her bgrandma this she said, "Oh, all my kids did that! I knew she would!"
I know the "sleeping through the night" thing has a lot to do with luck (if the baby has the right temperament and such) but I also think it has something to do with the way we respond to her and the routines we have set in place for her. I felt like by saying this, she was kind of taking something away from me. It was kind of like she was saying, "you know that really awesome quality about your child, well we're responsible for that."
I know that my DD's bfamily loves her and that there will obviously be similarities between her and them, but I'd also like to think that she will be like me and my DH in a way too or that the way we parent her will affect who she becomes. Maybe thats what we amoms think of when the biological similarities are pointed out...
elledarcy
I sometimes feel the same way about comparisons to birthrelatives...
My DD has been sleeping 5-7 hours at night since she was 4 weeks old and when I told her bgrandma this she said, "Oh, all my kids did that! I knew she would!"
I know the "sleeping through the night" thing has a lot to do with luck (if the baby has the right temperament and such) but I also think it has something to do with the way we respond to her and the routines we have set in place for her. I felt like by saying this, she was kind of taking something away from me. It was kind of like she was saying, "you know that really awesome quality about your child, well we're responsible for that."
I know that my DD's bfamily loves her and that there will obviously be similarities between her and them, but I'd also like to think that she will be like me and my DH in a way too or that the way we parent her will affect who she becomes. Maybe thats what we amoms think of when the biological similarities are pointed out...