Advertisements
Our 3 1/2 year old son was placed with us 2 1/2 months ago, and during that time we'd been able to have at least one of us home at all times. He's attached to us very well, and exhibited completely typical, even better-than-average, behavior for any preschooler.
Now we have to return to work, and he's in preschool 3 x a week. We took our time introducing him to the place, had several visits together over the course of 2 weeks, but on the third day that he went solo, he began crying in the morning when he knew he was going, and wouldn't stop until my husband left. He's kept that up now for a couple of days.
What I can't figure out is if this is plain-old toddler behavior, or if maybe it's too early for him to be in this kind of care? (On the upside, he's clearly attached to us!) The school is perfectly great, he had a long, stable, wonderful foster placement before coming to us, and has shown nothing but great progress since he was placed with us. All my parent-friends assure me that their kids threw fits, sometimes for months or more, about preschool/daycare, but in the back of my mind I always add "Yeah, but they aren't ADOPTED!" to their advice.
I'm looking for:
- Advice on making this transition easier
- Warning signs that this might be more than usual "I don't wanna" behavior.
What I'm not looking for:
- Scolding about working. Can't quit my job. Not a financial option, though there's nothing I'd love more than to stay home.
Like
Share
I think some kids take separation harder than others, and there are probably lots of reasons for that. I can tell you this---I'm not adopted and I threw fits of epic proportions when I was left w/ a babysitter. I can still remember crying literally all day long at the age of 4 when I went to the sitter's after mom went back to school. And the sitter was perfectly nice. My mother hasn't ever forgotten it either. It didn't cause me any long term damage or psychic scarring. If you're comfortable with the quality of the daycare, tough it out and see how he adjusts over time. One thing I've heard of doing is to buy a cheap watch, show him what it will look like when it's time for you to come back, and let him keep the watch all day. Or pick out some other object that belongs to you or your husband (or a small photo)and let him hold that all day to reassure himself. I know it must be hard.
Advertisements
Well, it could be "just kid" related and it could be related to his fear that you aren't coming back since his placement is relatively new. My dd was 4 when placed and went through a similar thing with preschool and it was related to her fear that we were not coming back to pick her up.
Regardless of the reason though...I feel you respond to it similarly.
We were told by the preschool that she usually cried for about 5 minutes and then was able to calm down and go about her day. She would at first repeatedly check with the teachers to ask if we'd be coming back and they always reassured her. Do you know if your son calms down after you leave? Can you talk to the teachers and ask if they could give him a bit more reassurance through out the day?
I gave her a picture of us to keep in her pocket of her jacket or pants and she could look at that at times during the day when it wasn't distracting to do so.
We talked to her in the morning about what the day might be like. "Daddy is going to work and he's going to build a new computer. Then he's going to eat lunch and work some more. Then he'll come pick you up and we'll come home for dinner." "What do you think you'll do today?"
Lots of hugs and reassurances and as he gets more secure in his attachment with you, it should subside. I remember having a very difficult time with this and with me starting to go back out with friends etc. and my dd would just throw fits and cry. I talked to my sw saying I didn't think I should go out with friends or etc. and she said something that I've always remembered over the years..."If you don't leave and come back, they'll never learn you come back."
So even if it is related to his bonding with you, it's important to keep showing him that things are consistent, that you will return and praise him too.
There is a book called The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn that the librarian recommended for me to read to E when he first came to us. Like your son he was having a hard time with separation.
In the book baby raccoon must go to school and is so afraid and sad to leave Mama Raccoon. She gives him a kiss in his hand, that he can go to throughout the day. I don't remember all the details as that was over three years ago. But I do remember it was very helpful for him, and that after that, when he would go to preschool I would give him his kiss in the hand. When he came home we would take it back (by kissing his hand again) to save for the next day. We even got to the point where he was putting a kiss in my hand for me!
Our sons were adopted at birth, so the situation may be a bit different. We had trouble with our oldest - he was fine once he was at school, but getting/leaving him there was ghastly - we'd have to pry his fingers off of my youngest son's stroller - it was heartbreaking for EVERYONE!
What really turned things around for us was that we made a great friendship with a little girl at school and her family. We would drive her home after school. When AJ would fuss in the morning, I'd say, "Well, if we don't go to school, how will Maggie get home? She needs you." He felt really protective of her and made sure he was there to take care of her.
This year he is in KG. He had a tough time going to school for the first few weeks. I talked to his teacher, and she came up to him and said, "Well, AJ, if you don't come to school, who will be the door holder? We need you here to make our classroom work better!" Each child has a "job" and they LOVE their responsibility. This is what motivates him.
Maybe you can talk to his teacher and see if there is a "special" job for him to do each morning, like making sure all the kids have their snack, or carrying her book to the carpet (if they do carpet time).
It's tough, but he'll make it through. Good Luck! (Oh - and as far as the job thing, I stay home, and although I love it, it's allowed me very few opportunities to leave my boys with people other than myself, my DH and my parents. I think this was part of the reason my sons have so much trouble separating, so there are plus's and minus's to both!)
Advertisements