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A am a birth mom whom has had contact with my soon to turn 14 year old daughter. I have given space for her to grow and not invade any space.
Her adoptive mom emailed me to say hi etc and said that my daughter had written my a hand written note- which was unusual to me because I know she can call me anytime. It least I am to believe she can.
She has always seemed so happy and her adoptive parents so proud of the beautiful daughter I have given to them. As. Of course she is !!
So her letter! Received today and she is miserable. Unhappy and depressed . Begging for me to help her and asked me to give her advice. What do I do?? How do I respond and maintain the relationship with her adoptive parents... I don't know what to do!!! I'm so lost and confused... My heart aches! I want to rescue her!!! The letter does not state anything neg about her adoptive parents but everything else in her life... Her other siblings school boys her weight and everything Inbetween... How do I reply ...
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The teen years can be difficult years. You cannot rescue her. But, you can guide her. You can be a source of support for her. Sometimes that's all that is needed.How unhappy, how depressed is she? Is she talking about suicide? Is she talking about life not being worth living? Those things would need to be dealt with right away. And, you would have to immediately alert her parents.Siblings, boys, and weight are very typical issues for teens to have. Remember what it was like? Everything was a crisis. And, there is a tendency toward drama. Since this is the first you've heard of it, it could be that she just had a bad day or a bad week. I cannot advise you on how to deal with the complexities of not overstepping boundaries with the a-family.
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As L4R said, the teen years are hard. I'm not a mom but I mentor students around the same age that are going through a lot of the same issues.
The most important thing you can do is be there for her and just listen. Don't minimize her problems (no matter how small they might be) but don't try to "fix everything" either. I've always thought that every child needs an adult that they can go to for advice, encouragement, and attention that isn't caught up in the daily family drama. It looks like you're the person she's chosen, which is pretty awesome.
It sounds like you already have a pretty open relationship with the a-family, are you close enough for visits? Some alone time with focused attention from an adult she cares about could go a long way - even the phone calls might help now that you know she wants to talk with you.