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I'm going to take crick and Susan's advice and start a new thread to discuss an issue I brought up in the Primal Mother thread. This is what I posted there, in its entirety: "As a mom through adoption, I have followed this thread with great interest - and not a few tears, especially at Susan's marvelous post. I agree - we are all worthy of the term mother. My daughter has two mothers - myself and the woman who gave birth to her. Neither of us deserves that term more then the other. But I do have an honest question about how that terminology translates when you are actually talking to a small child. My daughter is still a young toddler, Though we talk to her honestly about having been adopted, she doesn't really understand what we're talking about yet. And I worry about what words to use. I don't really want to use words like birth mother for the reasons discusses here. I don't want to demote her other mother's role to one of just giving birth to her and thus denying her role as a mother who loves her child. But I am scared to tell her just "you have another mother" because I don't want her to translate that into fear that "mothers" don't always live with you and aren't always in your life. Although maybe I should just admit that as an adoptee she may well have to come to terms with those feelings at some point in life, and I just need to be there to love her and help her through them. But I love her so much it's hard to think of her feeling hurt or afraid. :) I'd be interested to hear people's thoughts. If this is an inappropriate question for this thread. I apologize and please feel free to ignore it.In a more general way, I want to say how lucky I feel to have found this website. As a mother through adoption, before I was here I never thought through many of these issues. Now I know better. Thank you to all of you on this board, no matter where you are in the triad, for opening my eyes." I am interested to hear what people have to say. Thanks!
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Our boys are 4 and 6 and like you, we've always talked freely and openly about their adoption - even when they were too young to "understand", it helped us get used to talking with them.
When they were younger, we'd call their firstmoms either firstmom, birthmom or bellymom (this was EXTREMELY shortlived - we thought it would be easy for them to understand, but the terminology just didn't sit right with my DH and I).
Anyway, we are in an OA, and I think seeing their firstmoms really made things "easier" for them to grasp things, terminology wise. As they got older and started to understand a little better, the "birth" just dropped off the "mom" and we say "other mom". I think since we've become so comfortable saying it, they pick up on that and have no trouble understanding it. Basically, we used the qualifier until they were old enough to start "getting" the dynamics of our family, then the qualifiers just fell away.
We've always talked openly with the kids about their firstmoms and how both of them loved the boys very much but at the time were unable to be the kind of parents they wanted to be (which was actually reiterated to the boys from both of their other moms).
The kids never had any "fears" about moms not living with them - for them it is what it is - both moms love them to no end, but one lives with them and one doesn't. Now, I'm not saying that this will erase any sadness, but we are all so open with them that by the grace of God, we will all be able to do the best we can to help them work through the emotions.
I think these boards are really helpful and just remember - kids take cues from those around them.
Not sure if this will be helpful but I come from a Brady BunchӔ type family so this in more about older kids.
We were all cross adopted from the ages of 4 through 8. My 3 brothers mom had passed away. My sisterҒs and my parents were divorced. In both families the death & divorce happened when the kids were very young. My sister and I had very little contact with bdad his choice.
For me, my bdad was always referred to as Dad ֖ as was my adad. I dont remember either of us getting confused (my sister was 3 or 4 at the time). We all just sort of knew who we were talking about by the context of the conversation. My bros always refer to him as ғyour dad.
For my brotherԒs mom (again, they were very young when she passed), we always referred to her by her first name. I have no idea how this evolved but thats what happened. I donҒt know how they felt as kids, but I know it bothers them as adults (although they still use her first name when around family amongst themselves, they probably say Mom). I refer to her now as ֓your mom.
For me, itԒs not confusing because neither my a or b dad had any worries around sharing the title. I suspect my mom did which resulted in some of the confused feelings of my brothers (no judgments from me on this I love her). Or it could be that no one ever talked to them about her consistently so they just picked up on her name as it was said by the adults around themօ
So thats my story҅ It kind of supports what Lovemy2boys said It seems the kids only get confused when the adults are confused..
I am looking forward to this thread!
lovemy2boys
It is such a delight to hear you express yourself like you do. That is how I have always felt as a mom. Although, I have relingished my rights to be my sons parent I never stop loving him any different. I have hoped and prayed over the years (21) that he was raised knowing of his adoption. Unfortunetly, he wasn't and doesn't want any contact. In time hopefully it will change. I just have fustration knowing the birthparents are so possessive. It is only hurting him. I was not selfish. It hurts like hell to this day. Am I not thankful for them? Yes I am and I hope oneday I can tell them.
Now, I continue to pray for GODS grace and will through it all.
Truth sets us all free.
Mrs_Tammy94
lovemy2boys
It is such a delight to hear you express yourself like you do. That is how I have always felt as a mom. Although, I have relingished my rights to be my sons parent I never stop loving him any different. I have hoped and prayed over the years (21) that he was raised knowing of his adoption. Unfortunetly, he wasn't and doesn't want any contact. In time hopefully it will change. I just have fustration knowing the birthparents are so possessive. It is only hurting him. I was not selfish. It hurts like hell to this day. Am I not thankful for them? Yes I am and I hope oneday I can tell them.
Now, I continue to pray for GODS grace and will through it all.
Truth sets us all free.
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That is so nice to hear. I know I was a young mom (16). I couldn't even think of what I would of been like being able to have contact with my son. Sometimes it is really hard to just love unconditionally. I am sure with years to come she will hopefully mature. Oh course for the good! I went through many many obsticles but I have chose to learn by them. It isn't the easy way out.
Good luck with your boys and thanks for your words.