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Okay so I decided to call our child's bparents...I offered a visit but told them we wanted to talk before to settle some of the issues we have had (that they sort of act like never happened now). We were insisting before that any visits would be with the agency there....as a third party. Well I basically came to a realization that they are never going to come if the agency is there...for whatever reason. They NEED counseling, and I'm not saying that in a mean way. They do, to help them with thier grief & help them know more about what an open adoption is. But maybe if we meet with them to settle the issues ourselves...we can get to a good enough place in our relationship where we can convince them to take advantage of the counseling offered, where they trust us. I hope they call us back soon (I told them to call us when they find a time they would like to do it). Every time else they don't call & then all of a sudden we get an URGENT message from them asking how our child is, like we have run off & they have tried to call day after day (which is NOT the case). *sigh* I don't know...it's just hard. Since our child is only 12 months old I have decided to look past some of the things that have happened this past year, but we are still going to talk about them during the visit. I am also not going to ignore the fact that there might be some safety issues so we will still be cautious. At the same time, I don't know what to do, I mean certain things are not going to be acceptable, and are not healthy in an OA, but they don't or won't know that unless they get some counseling on it. I can't tell them, because they won't listen to me obviously. I will try though...I owe it to our child to at least put up very clear boundaries, & then if they don't listen to them...well...at least I know that I was clear with them. Thanks for listening to me rant...
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The issue is not what was said or what wasn't said....the issue is that the things that were discussed (and ignored by the birthfamily) NEED to be followed in order for this relationship to develop. So yes, you do need to re-state these things.
I wouldn't be concerned about C turning 18 and them turning him against you. Yes it's a fear alot of people have.... First of all - if he is at the point of looking I hope that your relationship would be at the point that you would have explained all that you tried to do to maintain openness. C would have been raised in a loving family - why would he be so quick to think you are awful? And also - they will be who they are....which is probably not going to help them win him over to "their side" so to speak.
I wish to add - I know vogi very well. I have been with her on this entire journey and i know the MANY struggles they've had - there have been threats, major crossings of boundaries and HUGE disrespect. My advice and thoughts have been given with that knowledge in mind. I am being specific to HER situation and not my general thoughts on birthfamilies/adoptive families.
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Vogi2002
Actually my biggest fear is that this won't get resolved, and then when Cooper is 18 & finds his bfamily...they will somehow convince them that we are evil...and we will never hear from them again. Is that crazy of me?
Vogi, I'm sorry I don't know the whole history...and didn't know of the threats, etc. To tell you the truth, I don't know if I would even be willing to re-approach openness in that kind of situation. And yes, with that background, I think it is important to make sure they acknowledge the inappropriate things they did so that it doesn't happen again. Good luck!
Thanks everyone very much!! I really appreciate all of your advice. If any of you have any words of wisdom on what to say or how to say it...I would love to hear them!! I believe (or at least hope)...now...after taking a step back, that the threats were more like a "mad teenager" threat. Again, we will be cautious, and safe, but it is very important we tell them what boundaries are needed & which have been crossed. To tell you the truth I don't even think they realize what would be considered a "threat" because i believe this behaviour is sort of in thier everyday life sadly. They did call us though, so I think they took that first step. Plus I'm still working VERY closely with my social worker even she can't be there when we talk face to face. It's hard because sometimes I think I'm crazy & overreacting but then I remember everything that happened...and go through it again & think...well what if I wasn't? I mean, sadly, I don't know them well enough to know what should be percieved as threatening & what is just talk to them. Funny though, I think I had such high hopes with open adoption, it's been that much harder. No, I haven't put pressure on them to be perfect, this situation has been...well...disrespect is a good word. I still hope for an open adoption for our 2nd adoption, but I know what can go wrong too...I am just hoping for the best. Side note - Leigh ****hugs**** Thanks hon. It's good to see you on!
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Personally, and this is very possibly JUST me, but for ME, having the letter read to me would feel very much like I was being talked down to. I believe 100% that you would not be trying to instill those feelings in your action, I'm only saying that's how I would read that action. Unfortunately sometimes even the best intentions can be read wrong.
I think that if boundaries have been broken in the past and issues have been addressed that need to be re-addressed you definitely have the right to do so! I personally would prefer it is DD's Mom said, "I know you said that you didn't receive this letter, so I've brought a copy for you today that you can look over. After you read it maybe we could discuss some of the topics in there so that we can both be on the same page with this." (Or something like that) That way, they feel like a participant in the discussion, rather than like a student being taught how they're going to behave. Does this make sense?
I know that it's silly that we all need to walk around so gently sometimes and spend so much time wording things appropriately and framing it in a way that will be best received, but I think it's great that you're so willing to go that extra length for your son.
And don't worry about him leaving you - you just be the best Mom to him you can be and in the end he'll know that you did, and he'll always love you for it.
Tmom - I agree, plus I would feel SOOOO stupid reading it out loud to them. I was thinking of giving it to them like you said, and then discussing it. I don't know why I said I was going to read it out loud...that would never happen (my voice is going to be shaking & I will be second guessing everything I wrote anyways) LOL. Should I leave while they read the letter...maybe give them 10 minutes to talk about it or so....should I let them start with the issues THEY think need addressed or do our issues first? Would it be terrible if I brought notes to talk about?
Okay, this is going to sound TOTALLY crazy, but when I taught Communication classes at a state college one of the techniques for interperonal conflict resolution was to bring - and take! - notes.So, no joke, one time when A's bdad and I were having a fight we busted out lined paper and took notes while the other person spoke. That way we didn't interrupt each other and remembered the things we wanted to say when it was our turn to speak. It was awkward at first, and took some getting used to, but it ended up being really beneficial for us. So I don't really think it would be terrible.(And yes, I realize I'm a complete nerd for taking notes during a "fight" with my then boyfriend :prop: )I think your plan is really great though Vogi!
I would absolutely bring notes - heck, I don't even go to the doctor without little recipe cards with my questions on them!! lol
That is more what i was thinking of rather than actually reading a pre-written letter. You just have to make sure you cover everything as thoroughly as you need to.
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Well we have heard NOTHING. MAN. This is so tiring. I don't know what to do anymore. Thier phones keep getting cut off, then on, then they move & don't tell us. I haven't sent pictures because I don't know where they are living & there have been...issues...with posting pictures without permission. Everything was explained in the stinking letter that THEY SAID they never got, but I know they had to have got it. I even sent another copy. So I'm sure they just think we are jerks because we haven't sent pictures...ALTHOUGH I sent 150 pictures the last time I sent them (around 9 months). Did I get a thank you or anything? Even a CALL that they had been recieved? Nope. It's just frustrating to feel like you are the only one trying. :-(
LOL - well I couldn't decide which ones to send...and each one showed a little something else about him (a certain look, etc). Plus I only send pictures every 3 - 4 months & I was a little late so felt HORRIBLE about it. I usually tried to send 4x6 & a couple 5x7 also. Oh, and I know she shares some of the pictures with the birthfather so I wanted them to have enough. It just makes me mad. I have even offered to email or send them some videos through the mail. I just don't want to send these if I don't have an address. This is what I mean...after all that I got a LOT of disrespect, plus NO effort. I feel like I have come 90% of the way...and all I need is 10% & they aren't getting it. It's almost like they expect 100%. This is so discouraging. Although I will say I still hope for an open adoption with my next child's birthparents and it's women like you all that keep my faith in OA alive. :)
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"ALTHOUGH I sent 150 pictures the last time I sent them (around 9 months). Did I get a thank you or anything? Even a CALL that they had been recieved?"
Ok I am seriously jealous up here!!!!!! I think that the most that I ever received was 5. The most all together was about a dozen and that was with me taking the pictures at a visit.
Video?!?!?! as well
That really just rips that you haven't heard anything and this is how they are treating the relationship. So not fair to you, DH and DS.