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Hi. My husband and I adopted our daughter, who is 2 1/2 and we have a bio 18 month old. We tried to concieve for 16 years and only after a doctor removed a fibroid that was blocking the way, I became pregnant. This was when our adaughter was 2 months old. We were in fear of miscarrying due to bleeding for 3/4 of the pregnancy and due to extremely high blood pressure. I needed to explain this so that you can understand the reason I need your advice. We have a 100% open adoption. N (firstmom) has been to our house, we talk as often as we can (sometimes not for weeks, but when we do, it is wonderful), we visit, we send photos in both directions, and I always tell her that I love her... N loves both of our daughters... and treats them wonderfully. We are considering adding to our family by trying to adopt again -- we are dreaming for a boy... Now here is the question... If we decide to adopt again, I would like to ask N to write us a reference letter. Do you think that would be a good idea? How would you feel in this case as a firstmom and also as an emom? (also firstdad and edad.) What would you think about also meeting the emom / edad. I am considering this, since we all need to be a big family - and it is a large step. Please give me your honest opinions. (but, please be kind.) Thanks. Val
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Hi Valarie - I just helped my niece with an OA. The aparents had adopted before and had a very open relationship with the first mom. The first mom didn't write a letter of reference but the aparents explained in their "Dear Birthmom" letter how open the adoption was and how much they enjoyed having the first mom as part of thier extended family.
Once a match was made, an offer was put out to meet the other first mom f2f.
She had also read other letters where no mention was made of the "other" first mom. This was a bit of a red flag to her since was really wanted a VERY open adoption - if these folks had adopted before, and wanted an OA, why didn't they mention the relationship?
In the end, she felt like she had some insurance by meeting with the first, first-mom. If the aparents hadn't broken their promises to her, they wouldn't break them with my niece... I also should say, she REALLY liked this couple so the orther first-mom was just icing on the cake...
Make sense? Hope it helps!
Good luck
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strangely, i was just thinking today ... if i were facing an unplanned pregnancy and relinquishing my parental rights today.. in 2008... what would i do differently than what happened in 1986....
and one of the things i thought of... was only considering families with a mother that had previously relinquished parental rights like I had... (someone with an unplanned pregnancy that relinquished out of love and concern for the babies well being, obviously not someone who had their parental rights terminated due to abuse!).... OR families who had previously adopted, and who could provide a really really good reference from their first baby's first mother....
there aren't any laws that force adoptive parents into keeping the promises they make.... and i don't think i would be willing to just "trust" someone again.... i want proof that they are worthy of my trust.....
julie
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Not a firstmom, but I heard a cool story from one (J) who works at our agency. She said that when she was trying to choose aparents, the couple she was most interested in had an older daughter who was also adopted. They encouraged J to call the older child's firstmom (S) and talked to her before making her decision to place with them. J said that talking to S made the decision to place with her daughter's aparents SO much easier. I think it is a great idea if N is willing.
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I definitely think having them write a reference letter would be a good idea. I definitely would welcome an emom talking to DD's birth parents also. My only "hesitation" is would there by necessity have to be sort of some "matching" between the two moms? Like what if the second mom did not want as open a relationship/a more open relationship, etc.? I had read an interesting article about the "differences" in openness between two kids...I worry about that if I adopt again, but I realize that every relationship is different. Good luck!
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I would want to know about the relationship between another birth mother and the family. Yes, that could be beneficial. However, I think it would also speak volumes if you let an expectant mother contact your child's birth mother so they could have some one-on-one time. There's a lot of stuff that doesn't "fit" in a letter, ya know?
