RE:reunification

I am new and this really upset me.... """""""I don't want to upset anyone but I need to vent and the thread was closed on this discussion that was under a "visitation" thread. I want to adopt-I have to foster-adopt in order to get a baby. First time parents and I want a baby, I will make no excuse. I plan on waiting for our baby as I have waited 10 years and a few more months won't kill me. I read in the thread that was closed that people shouldn't foster if reunification isn't the foster parents goal, or something to that affect, I got so mad that I could not read anymore. My input on reuniting- No, as a foster-adopt mom to be I am not in the slightest bit interested in reuniting the child with their bmom/bdad or any member of a biofamily. If you as a mom to be,drink till u fall down drunk or do drugs till u pass out while pregnant then no, there is no way on this earth you should get your child back. If you have caused harm to any of your children regardless of their age, again, no you should not get your kids back. Once is enough for me, u hurt your children and thats it, no second chance. My husband and I like many others here would give our arms to be parents and then we get it slapped in our face that the bmom did crack but we want to see if she will change, that rips me to no end and if I personally don't want reunification then that is my choice not anyone to judge me on. None of us want to send our children back to God knows what, whether we are fost/adopt or foster. As for our sw, she knows not to even come near me with a child that is a possible reunification. We are not interested. The girls should be on their knees thanking God for the wonderful gift he allowed them to receive, the gift of a child is the most precious gift you will ever receive and they need to treasure them until the day they die. I know I will if given the chance. I don't mean to offend anyone, I needed to get if off my chesT"""""" Okay I am a mother of 4 children who were taken away from me...two when i was about 20 which in my eyes was totally merrited i was not following thru and change had came to late. About 4 days before they were taking I stop completely doing drugs and was changing my life for the better. I fought for for 4 years to get them back. I knew i was a good mom and that i could prove it, but no matter what i did i was still looked at as a imcapable person. I was clean had a job safe eviroment to get them back had truly made a change in my life. I then had a son in 2003 and just because i still had an open case the chose to open one on him, okay now i am getting upset cause there was no reason, he was not taken from me untill he was 2 months old, and for a complete accident that happened he fell off the bed i took him to the hospital and cps took him from there. Now i never had any allegations in my previous case about physical abuse, but now they were trying to say that i did something to him (total bs) so i fought for him to, in the meantime i chose to adopt my daughter to her foster parents which totally had it in their mind to adopt her from the start which is fine at the time they were great (so i thought) my son went to live with them which was fine cause at least he had his full sister.. i fought for him for almost two years he was ready to come home staying overnight with me spending all day with me we really bonded and i really fell in love with him i was so close to him in a way i was not with my daughter, one day his FD came to get him and he did not want to leave me this made FD very upset and right after that my visits were cut and I was told that they did not kjnow when they were return to the long visits i previous had....Now this pisses me off that did alot of damage not only to me but to my son why was it that his FP"S had that right to get upset i could understand that they loved him that is great but to go to the length to get my visits suspended had me baffled...so i ended up TPR because i had been fighting the system for most of my adult years and wanted to give my children a stable life.....okay so in 2005 i had another child he was a preemie born 29 weeks it was mandatory that they look up the mother in the hospital system which they did and found out thru internal sources i guess that i had a daughter that was in FC so the called cps and asked what they wanted to do, this upset me greatly i had just had a baby who was very sick and i am having to deal with cps total bs, and emulitaion....they again opened a case on me and once again i was fighting for my rights to my child. I finally decided to give him to a wonderfamily when he was 7 months and we shared wonderful moments together before that when he came home, I know for me the pressure cooker of having my kids in the system was far to much for me to bare. I then moved to alaska and i have my daughter now she is 8 months old and lives with me no cps at all, then even came to my house but after that they have left me alone. Now as to the allegations that we do not cherish our children i cherish everyone of my children and miss them greatly my older son William i cry almost everyday (he is in a gardianship) i have no contact with him but i send him cards and letters when i can same as to the other one's the first two families hate me and i have even wrote both of them letters thanking them for what they have done for my children, no reply barely any pictures no updates, 1 visit that the FD tried to cut short. So no i didn't do drugs till i passed out never while i was pregannt and yes i am one of the DRUG ADDICTS YOU TALK ABOUT, i was sick at the time and young i am one of the lucky ones who changed and improved my life and i know many more that have, have i struggled with temptations yes its part of the process but i did and it can be done. I never hurt My second son or third son thru drugs or anything else, so why shouldn't i have gotten him back. was i a bad mother yes to my older kids, do i regret that everyday of my life, do i look into my daughters eyes and wish she had her family... I am very lucky that my last son Gabriel has the parents he has they are great and never do they judge me for my past i am a big part of his life do i regret letting go so fast yes , but there come a time in my life that i just couldn't fight anymore i had been fighting for to long and it wasn't my fault completly so i let go so he would have better. You have your right to feel however you want but please take in to consideration the feelings of a mother, one who actually cared, not all drug addicts are cold and sinister like i think you believe. They are SICK drug addiction is hard for some people to understand but it is a powerful thing i couldn't tell you how many girls i know who fight themselves everyday over going out and doing drugs, some of it is about will power and some is not, i am rambling sorry. but this just really upset me i don't think cps gives FP the whole story or maybe the embelish a little to turn them away from the BF but i don't think bitterness toward us will be benefitting to the children you need to reassure them that they were loved and sometimes people are sick, but it doesn't mean they were not loved,