a promise for my baby and his mom

it is a strange thing to go to the other side of the adoption triad... to sit in the adoption classes... (and NOT be the "birthmom"!!).... in many many ways, pursuing adoption has been incredibly therapeutic for me, in terms of my own first mother experience... oddly, it was that very experience that caused us to put our adoptions plans "on hold" last year... it was my very own daughter TIDNR* that made me question adoption... that made me think that there is nothing good about adoption... only agonizing pain.... that i could not possibly adopt.... and it was working through all of that "junk"... that lead us to where we are today ... i hear adoptive parents talk about how God created their family.... and i am truly a firm believer in that.... just because of the events that took place this last year... and our adoption journey... that got us right here.. right now... preparing to bring our baby boy home.... whew... and there is no doubt that this is God's plan for us... even if the mother changes her mind, we are on the path that God has put us on... for His purpose...for this mother.... and this baby boy. it is truly a bittersweet moment... for me. to "relive" bits of my own experience.... as we prepare to receive a baby... certainly joy is present... how can it not be? the birth of a baby is wonderful, joyful time... and yet, the inevitable pain and grief of his mother weighs on my heart... because i share in that, too... in the midst of the emotions rolling through my heart.... i often hear myself talking to her and her baby.... in my head.... making promises... promises that i will go to any length to keep.... i promise to honor his DNA.... to never blame his birthfamily for "the way he is"... on those occasions that i don't particularly like the "way he is".... i will never say "You were just born that way." I will never speak poorly of his birthfamily, nor will anyone ever be allowed to voice negativity about them.... I promise to honor his mother... to always speak of her respectfully... and with love... i promise to plant good feelings about her into his heart... that they might grow into blossoms of respect, love, compassion and kindness towards her.... i promise to raise him to be understanding... to be angry at poverty and poor education... not the people who brought him into a life of poverty and attempted to give him better. I promise to love him... and let her love for him come through me... as her body was a vessel to bring him into this world and my family, let my heart be the vessel that her love comes through.... above all else, i promise that he will know how very loved he is by his first mother.... that he will feel it in every fiber of his being.... I promise to love her... to have deep compassion in my heart for her... and a true, honest love for her that our son will feel ... I promise to teach him that love is a wonderful thing... and we all have way more than enough to go around... that he is certainly capable of loving two moms.... and two dads.... and brothers and sisters..... I promise to be a secure and loving mother... I promise that I will never be afraid of his birthfamily... that i will not let fear dictate our lives... nor have any place in our family... I promise to be the best mother i can be.... i know i'm not perfect... and i cannot promise perfection... but i can promise to learn... and grow... and get better.... and these will be promises kept..... julie