Is it really beneficial to have visits with biofamily

I agree with MomwithFive about respecting the differences. While there are times that contact will serve the child, it is all to often the case (and especially in foster adopt) where it is not. From the child's perspective, there is almost always the wish to be with bio family, missing them, and so on, which is totally normal. And if you ask those children at various times in their life, the answer will change as to whether or not they want bio contact. However, our job as their adoptive parents (and the job of the CW, and other child welfare parties) is to ensure that the child is safe and well-cared for to the best of our ability, including emotional, physical, etc. Too often, all of the adults are operating without full information because the children themselves are worried about losing their parents and do not disclose, sometimes for many years, traumatic events that occurrred in their biological home. So, at the time of adoption, it may even seem like bio contact is best, later there sometimes is compelling evidence that this is not in the child's best interests. Not because we want the child to suffer the deprivation and loss that impacts them emotionally when they are removed from their bio parents care, but because this has to be weighed against the need to keep them safe from abuse, neglect, etc. For my children's case, 3 years passed before one of my four kids finally started talking about being abused by her father and a half-sibling in different ways. Two of my children then brought out issues with bio-mom and her physical abuse of them, and another one brought out issues with bio dad also. So, I am in the situation where two of my children believe that only bio mom should have lost contact, the other two believe that only bio dad should have lost contact, and the abusive half-sibling is the only one that we actually had contact with (which was severed as soon as we were told what happened, and he was later jailed for abusing a neighbor's child). I have always supported my children in achieving contact WHEN they are 18 (due to all the known issues). I have already had two of them go thru this with mixed results. The first gradually stopped talking to us and now visits bio dad and attempts to relay messages from him to our under-18 children that are not appropriate (we have a restraining order against him, which she knows about, so relaying communications from him would violate that order). The second child I took on the trip to meet bio mom (as promised for her entire life with us) after a year of them talking by phone before she turned 18. It all seemed to work out very well, bio mom seemed to have cleaned up her act a lot compared to when she was TPR'd, and she stated many of the things I had often told my daughter (it is not an either/or choice, go to college and come for visits, etc), and then a month later bio mom sends her husband to pick her up from her work (an 8-hour drive) & she has moved in with them & cut us and her siblings living with us off completely.

Hey Crick:I take your suggestions to heart. No defense taken. I do want to however explain:I am by NO MEANS saying that everyone or all FEEL a certain way. I am saying that adoptees do have a common foundation. Yes, I will venture into saying that foundation is ALL.Being given up for adoption instantly gives that child a lovely Louis Vuitton trunk filled with emotional/mental challenges that they will face. We now refer to this as baggage!The details of each adoptee will dictate how big the that expensive LV trunk will be for them. It might be a train case or it might be the entire expensive set!But, yes, I do believe, that we ALL will have this baggage to some degree. Do we all FEEL the same, of course not. But, I will watch my wording going forward as I don't want to come across as dictating by any means.**Dickons, I appreciate your support/comments. I am telling you!!! email me! join the group I told you about you would really enjoy it and meet some great people there. (chynnaluschen@hotmail.com)

Melissa:I loved you comment, I know for my husband, he'd rather be defined by the husband and father he is, rather than by a decision made for him when he was a toddler."I couldn't agree more that you must look to the person that you have become or if young are becoming with the guidance of your AP's. I just must add that your husband was partially defined once he was put into adoption. That changes you. It will permanently define a part of you.I know that for me that defining moment has greatly influenced my deep level of compassion. My Mom still says that I was given the gift of deep compassion. It has influenced my writing. It has led me down a path of calling, it has made my relationship with my Mom stronger or shall I say more intimate possibly than my other siblings whom are biological. And...the list goes on. A list that I embrace as wonderful things.But, be that defining of good or bad, it still is what it is. It definitely defines you into being or becoming someone different.__________________

Sorry, but I disagree. You choose how to define yourself, how to view and be viewed. I guess for both he and I, we balk at others actions becoming defining moments for us, who we are. Put it this way...the way you define someone, the distillation of whom they are, whom they were, would be to think about what you'd write in their obit, or on their gravestone, or your own. And believe me, 'adopted' wouldn't appear in his, anywhere. Unless his mother wrote it :p

My Birth Mom's Husband adopted me when I was born, When I was in my 20's my Mom told me he wasn't my biological Dad...and of coarse soon after I wanted to meet the other guy. I had a great Dad growing up so I wasn't looking for a replacement, but geez..after I spoke to him on the phone...boy was I glad he wanted NOTHING to do with me! He spoke down about my Mom and had nothing but disgusting things to say about the man who raised me! I was shocked at this mans attitude being this "other" man, MY Dad...was there for me and was involved in every aspect of my life, he was and still is the Only Dad I have or would ever want, I would never trade him. I think in my case, I was so lucky NOT to have ANY contact with him. Right now, I am with DH in the process of adopting a child and would be open to an extent with the biological family. I realize they will be losing the child to another family BUT my goal is to protect my kids..period. If a person has a wonderful birth family who just has issues, but truly loves the child..then that would be fine, but if the family is like my own birth-Dad...I think DH and I will wait till that child is an adult before we allow contact. I think its a case by case situation. There are many good people out there, who by no fault of their own, are troubled..because they continue on with mistakes their own parents have made...I believe for me and my hubby...it is a huge blessing to us to be able to adopt...and for that child..a huge blessing to have ALL their family, adoptive and biological..but if the safety or emotional stability of that child is rocked, like mine was meeting that person...then I would have to seriously look at all the options carefully! But I think in the end, God works it all out!

[QUOTE=melissa_bear003]Sorry, but I disagree. You choose how to define yourself, how to view and be viewed. I guess for both he and I, we balk at others actions becoming defining moments for us, who we are. Possibly the word defining isn't the best of choices. I would absolutely agree with you that on my epitaph adoption wouldn't be added. So given. So again, maybe the word defining as being the term used to describe whom we are is incorrect. But, are you saying that if your husband was NOT given up for adoption he would be the same as he is today? I think not.

Many professionals would tell you that a person is a combination of the image they choose to portray and a result of the events that have occurred in thier lives (including adoption) and thier reaction to said events. Thus said, adoption can play a role in creating "who" a person is, even if it is soley on the subconcious level. That said, if you do not believe in the subconcious, then I could understand where some might say adoption (or any life-altering event) does not contribute to any aspect of creating a person's psyche. Thankfully, the courts do not believe this, because I want to be protected if I ever need to maim someone for harming one of my children, I will be able to say that it was a life altering event and that my subconcious mother bear instincts took over. Just as it (any life altering event) can play a role in a person's life, the extent of that role is determined by many factors such as personality, early upbringing, attachment, security, genetics, and even birth order. For example: I am the oldest of 8 kids, 2 girls 6 boys(5 adopted) (the other daughter is the youngest), I was the "test the child-rearing theory" kid in our home, my parents held higher expectations and more responcibilities for me. I grew up in a two parent home, dad was a nice but recovering (often recovering alcoholic), I am securley attached to both parents and siblings. I am stubborn, I am ADHD, I am ambitious, I am a fighter, I am a realist, I struggled to protect my brothers all through school because they were teased for being "stupid" or for thier race or because they were foster kids. My little sister (4 years younger) is the baby of the family, she was always treated w/kid gloves, she was given far too much rope to hang herself because by then my parents had realized being too strict w/me had backfired. She was given a lot of things I had to work for and not held accountable for many of her actions, She was raised by the same very loving family with the same strong attachements. She is not overly ambitious, she is very fun and loves life and enjoying herself, she is a pessimist. So, Our differences are primarily 1)Birth Order and 2)Personality. We have both been faced with VERY SERIOUS Medical issues. 3 years ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 Metastatic Papillary Thyroid Cancer, they gave me a 50%survival rate, I was 23 and I had just given birth to my 4th child. I stayed positive the whole time, I amazed myself and others because I never gave up fighting and I always knew that while I could die, I really had very little control over that so I should just forget about it and concentrate on the things I could impact. 3 years later I am healthy as a horse, still fostering, recently adopted our new baby boy from foster care and have been cancer free for almost 2 years. 1 year ago my sister was diagnosed with MS (Primary Progressive-serious) she is 22, she has already given up, she can still function pretty well if she chooses, but most days the Depression she has fallen into (and is treated for) controls her, there is a lot of "poor me" going on and a lot of jealousy. She is falling to RX drugs to hide from the world, most days there is nothing good to be seen anywhere in her opinion. Sorry to be sooooo long winded, I just wanted to give you another angle on the issue from a different perspective. ADOPTION is just like any other life-altering event, it effects who a person is, the extent to which it effects each person is determined by other variables.

<<But, be that defining of good or bad, it still is what it is. It definitely defines you into being or becoming someone different>> I can agree here. However, all life experiences define who we are though and we each have something different about ourselves. Just an example, I lost a son almost 19 years ago and I can honestly say that I grew somehow from that experience and it is part of who I am today. I don't think that it necessarily separates me from others as it is a part of my character now and how I respond/view things in life. I guess what I'm trying to say is that all of my children's life experiences will define them in some way, that is how we grow. How she views her adoption and integrates it into her being will be like other life experiences she has.

<<But, are you saying that if your husband was NOT given up for adoption he would be the same as he is today?I think not.>> I think that any of our life experiences shapes us in some way, how much and in what way will differ with every person.

<<Being given up for adoption instantly gives that child a lovely Louis Vuitton trunk filled with emotional/mental challenges that they will face. We now refer to this as baggage!>> I disagree here in relation to my daughter. She does not view herself as "given up" for adoption. I also don't believe her adoption will be "baggage", in fact, she celebrates the fact that she was adopted. It's not something that negatively impacted her life, it wasn't something she had no choice in (what she wanted weighed heavily) and it is something she very much wanted. I think her "baggage" is the severe neglect/abuse she has to learn to integrate into her life so she can move forward.

I think adoption does define you in some way, as do a lot of life experiences. What I also think is that for SOME/Many?, adoption plays a much different or even bigger definition in their lives. My dh will say it shaped him in some ways, but it's not the defining statement of who he is and how he lives his life. His sister on the other hand, who was also adopted, has a different view on things and does relate her adoption much more strongly to her life and personality. I would be really surprised though to hear that it plays NO part. That wouldn't make sense to me at all. Not that I'd call an adoptee a liar or say they are in denial if that was their take on themselves, but overall, I can't see how adoption could not affect anyone at all in any shape or form.

<<I can't see how adoption could not affect anyone at all in any shape or form.>> I don't either. I don't see how anyone could say that. In fact, just the circumstances leading up to the reason one was adopted would have affected that person in some way, however little.

Nope, I wouldn't say that, given that he himself says that if he had been raised by his bfamily, he'd likely be an addict, or dead. What I'm saying, what HE says is that its not the most important event in his life, that what he's done since, the choices he's made are. He loathes being introduced as 'my adoptive son'. He hates that he isn't just him to some people, but the tag of adoption is tied to him. He's so much more than the toddler that was adopted. All of our experiences go to who we are. No debate there...but 'adoption' is just a part of the mosiac of the person, not even the largest part...for my dh anyways. He's not the person his amom demanded he be, he's not the person his bfamily tried to demand he be (after reunion) he stands alone as the person HE wants to be.

I am not speaking of the "ADOPTION" itself as being baggage. The emotional/mental issues that come along with adoption is what I was referring to in regards to baggage. In your daughter's case I would absolutely agree that the heartbreaking neglect/abuse she endured would undoubtedly take the front seat for baggage. But, her mental/emotional challenges connected to being given up (or whatever word you prefer) for adoption are still there. Be that in a much smaller makeup bag so to speak. That if you are an adoptive parent or a foster parent it might support you in a long-term way to join a triad group where adoptees of all levels were members. I will tell you that some of my adoption thoughts, I don't know what else to call it, came out much later. So not when I was a kid or even a young adult. Not saying that I had any melt-down by any means. I just viewed it all from a different set of eyes I guess.So how your daughter feels now might change later. As we all seem to agree, the effects of adoption will vary for all.I must say I have found this all very interesting. I wish we all lived close. I would suggest we form a group! If you go back to the beginning of this thread..that was really my angle.

Well, yes, I agree I can always learn how others have been affected by something. It is of interest how others have viewed their experiences. I do know that all my daughter's experiences leading up to adoption and the adoption itself will change in how they are viewed by her as she goes through each developmental stage in her life. I have to reiterate though that, we believe, our daughter's mental/emotional challenges will be related to her past abuse/neglect and the reasons that led to the adoption as a part of her life (death of her biomom also) vs. the actual adoption. Her biomom passed away so she was not "given up". She also chose and told the dept that this is where she wanted to live, this was her family, etc.. We are who she embraced as a family (we did know her since birth). Her bio father is someone she rejected, never had a relationship with and so wasn't "given up" by him. Will she change her mind as to where she wants him in her life? She very well may and we will support whatever she emotionally needs. She will be the one to direct us. <<connected to being given up (or whatever word you prefer)>>This is why I don't believe she will see her adoption as being "given up". I think that word does not describe every adopted child's situation. It is interesting to hear from people who have "been there", I agree. :) Interesting thread.