Advertisements
I am a 30 year old adoptee. I called the agency I was adopted from about 7 years ago to get medical info and they let me know that my birthmom had been in contact with them and wanted to find me. So I consented and she sent me a letter with pics I wrote her back and sent pics. She then called me and I guess I freaked a little and backed out just dropped the whole thing. She kept calling and leaving messages I never did anything. So she stopped. Now years later I wonder if I should try to make contact agian. I'm not sure exactly how I feel, I'm curious about my birth family. My afamily wasn't the greatest. My adad has nothing to do with me. My amom passed away about a year ago, we were never super close her and my adad divorced when I was 2 and she always seemed to be busy dating and worrying about that part of her life. I have my Husband and my 2 children and that's all the family I have. My relationship with my husband is pretty rocky at times. I love my children soooo much. I just wonder if I want more family. I have very rarely felt truly loved and wanted (besides by my children) and I just want to know if there is anyone out there who really wants me kwim?
I don't really know what I am feeling or saying I am just pretty much rambling I guess, thanx to anyone taking the time to read this. Any input?
Like
Share
It sounds like you may want to try again but are afraid. I think a lot of us are afraid to walk through doors that hold an uncertainty behind them.
You mentioned that you have rarely felt loved. That is soo sad. I'm wondering though if that is why you want/need to find your bmom now. As you well know, to find our bfamily is no guarantee of love or anything else for that matter. There are so many unknowns. It does sound like your bmom wants to know you and that is wonderful. Reunion is so emotional and does bring with it some issues too so I guess one needs to be in a good place within themselves to embark on this journey.
Maybe talking with an adoptee savvy counselor would help to sort things out for you?
No matter what you decide remember we are all here for you.
Snuffie
Advertisements
I say do it before its to late-live for today-go alone in a safe & public location-make the rules before hand, on what you want and don't want-public display of affection or just a handshake and scope it out in person. Don't do it over the phone-its so impersonal. Life is fragile. If you don't feel like you can handle the meeting, tell them in advance you will pull out a red ribbon if you feel that you can make it through pull out a white ribbon.
Oneangie,
Your post carries a lot of personal pain. In my opinion, before you contemplate going back into reunion - maybe you can get some counseling. A reunion is not going to "fill" the places you need filled.
That being said, you were very young 7 years ago and your bmom obviously wanted to get to know you then. You know what she is like, you ought to be able to make a judgement - is this a person I want in my life? I don't think curiosity is a good enough reason to try to contact again. But, if you want her as a part in your life and you want to be a part of hers, then that is a very good reason to try again. In my opinion, it is cruel to go in and out of a persons life totally. That doesn't mean you have to be best friends/mother - daughter/soul-mates/ etc, but if you decide to try again you need to be able to commit, good or bad, to the long run of contact at least.
Good luck and I wish you peace in your future.
I feel your pain and know where you're coming from. My parents divorced when I was very little-never saw or heard from my dad again.
When I was in my early 20's,I started searching for him under almost an identical situation as yours. When I did talk to him on the phone,I realized, that it was NO different than an adoptees situation because I had almost no memories of him. It turned out in my case unfortunately that he never wanted anything to do with my brother and I(wrote us off). He was insensitive and went as far as demanding I call him "dad" within the first two phone calls.
I had hoped that there would be a bond,but it seemed he was still only thinking about himself. I chose to just stop communication. I know this is totally different from the communication you've had with your birthmom,what I was trying to say,is that it's perfectly normal to have questions and want to interact with this "unknown" parent. I know I have attachment issues(interacting with friends/family and then avoiding them). It's scary for me having grown up in an abusive and controlling dynamic. It's made my ability to have healthy relationships almost stifling. I tend to find 'reasons' to back away from people when I feel overwhelmed with emotions or feel jaded by someone.
If you choose to have your birthmom in your life,as someone else said,don't do it with the expectation of a perfect relationship. Your bmom will most likely put you on the spot(be prepared!)and want to know what she did to make you ignore her. Be honest with your feelings. You don't have to overcompensate,or over promise the future relationship with her,just be yourself,give her a chance as well as yourself to get to know one another. If you feel stifled by too much contact,be firm with what you're comfortable with.
Hugs,
Advertisements