New here... Birthmom

Scorpionflower~ Welcome to the forums! I am glad you're here. Just a little FYI for you, We do not allow potential adoptive parents to solicit you for your baby, nor do we allow expectant mom's to solicit potential adoptive parents to adopt their baby. If anyone Private Messsages you seeking to adopt your baby please contact me or anyone of our moderators or admin. We want this to be a safe place for you to receive the support and resources you are seeking.Best of luck to you!

Hey Scorpianflower - Welcome! As far as agencies go, private message (PM) Brenda Romanchik here: [url=http://my.adoption.com/bromanchik]Adoption.com Forums - MyPage: bromanchik[/url] She is an adoption councilor and will point you to an ethical agency in your area. I personally don't recommend attorneys but that's just my scotoma. Agencies offer counseling support which can be very helpful post-adoption. Try not to rule out Open Adoption before you have learned more. Having some contact throughout your childs life has shown to be quite healthy for the child and certainly knowing that they are adopted is best. Most figure it out anyway - hiding the fact just makes it feel like a lie. Check out some of the adoptee boards here and/or post a question. They will give you the adopted personҒs perspective. Take care of yourself... Stay here, learn and lean on us when you need to - this is a great place to find support.

Welcome! The other posters have given you great advice which I will not repeat. But one thing - you are not a birthmother. You are an expectant mom and will not be a birthmother until you sign away your parental rights. :)

Thank you for the clarification regarding being a birth mom/ expectant mom. Just learning the terminologies. I heard back from an agency yesterday that was very informative and helpful. I also looked up some adoption support groups yesterday and plan to attend the next meeting. I told my work of my situation and thankfully they have all been very supportive and encouraging. As have my mother and ex (not the father).

I am so happy you have positive support in your life. I really hope you stay to learn more about adoption - not to influence you - but to help you understand and avoid some of the pitfalls along the way. If there was ever a school of hard knocks, this forum might be it ;) Lots of life lessons here!

Oh, believe me, I know about the hardships life can put before us. However, each is a lesson to be learned and each has helped us grow to the people we are today and the people we will be tomorrow. I don't look back on the hard times with negativity. I take from them the positive and try to remember the lessons I've learned. It's the remembering that seems to be the hardest part. Grin.

You may want to consider posing this thought on the adoptee forum for feedback... just for more perspectives along this line of thinking. Peace, Susan

Scorpionflower, As an adoptee, I would say this. Why would you want to perpetuate a huge lie against your child? Why would you want your child lied too about his/her origins? Why you would ever want that? Would you want to be lied to about who you really are? Trust me, your child will know something is different. She/He wont need to be told. You are off base in your thinking here and advocating for a lie this big, will only hurt your child. I apologize if I seem terse. From an adoptee's perspective, the idea of creating a big lie about the child's origins is very upsetting. Kim

I think the problem is you want to play "as if " games. You think that after giving up your baby you will return to your old self easily. Once you give up it will be as if you were never pregnant to this child. I think this is the biggest mistake and belief that expectant parents have. . You want his/her adoptive parents to play another as if game.As if his/ her adoptive parents is his real and only parents,.But you will love your baby.. No matter whatif you adopt her/him out you will miss him/her. And no matter how you feel now, most probably your feelings will change once you see his/her face. So I think at least choose couples who wants more openness than you do. This is a long and hard journey and I think time will show you ..

I think you never read books such as " Primal Wound" or " The Girls who went away " .And please read birth mom blogs. They are so many. At least educate yourself. I do not think that you really understood how big desicion this is for your life and for this baby's life.

I believe I somewhat comprehend the grief. I experienced some of this when my son was first sent off to boarding school. And now... it has now been almost 10 months since I've seen my daughters. Although I do get to speak to my daughters (13, 8, and 5) on the phone twice a week... it's been so very long since I've seen them, touched them, held them in my arms. I came from being an at home mother who homeschooled my children to living halfway across the country and unable to afford to visit. I'm struggling trying to put every extra penny I have into creating a home for them to come to. I know they are safe, secure, and loved with their father. That doesn't mean I don't grieve the lost time, seeing my youngest off on her first day of school, being there when my eldest daughter became a teenager. Being there when she had her first monthly visit from the dreaded aunt flo. I've missed birthdays, halloween, thanksgiving, christmas... even mothers day. I understand that I will grieve missing those things in this child's life.... I don't doubt that for a moment. Just as I'm doing now, I believe I will do when the time comes... I will put what is best for the children ahead of what I may want. I know, this is not easy to do.... being away from my children for the past 10 months has been the hardest thing i've ever endured in my life. However, this is for the best as in the end it will allow me to live close enough to my son's boarding school to be able to visit him and I will eventually have my daughters here too. I will be able to be in all of their lives. And for this baby... i'm starting to see how maybe open adoption may be a better option. I would not be the parent, no, but a blood realitve, yes. And I can be there when the time comes that they want to know of their heritage... meet his or her siblings. However, to raise this child.... I know I cannot provide for all 5 children sufficiently. If I were to keep this child, I would have to go on welfare. That is not a way for a child to grow up. No, what is best is for this child to be placed in a home where he/she can be provided for in every way, not just with love... love doesn't put food in the stomach and clothes on the back.

As I said before on another post, I believe you are confident in your decision and for the right reasons. I still believe that - maybe even more. If it were just you & this baby, I might push back more on the financial reason but you have your other kids to think about as well. It's a tough spot NO DOUBT. You know what is best for you & your family. You sound like you are a responsible, caring mother who loves her all children. I am very happy to see you are considering OA. From your posts, I can't think of one reason why you should not be a part of your child's life. It would be a loss for your child to not know you or your children. I saw your new post this AM - Not sure if you have gotten any responses yet but if not you might consider posting here: [url]http://forums.adoption.com/adoptee-support/[/url] It might be more active.

I think it's important to remember that for some placing their children for adoption was the biggest mistake they have ever made and just because that's your experience doesn't mean that's everyone's experience. I do think it's so important to research - read the positive and the negative adoption stories. I can understand what you are saying about how you think you understand the grief. I thought I did too, but was knocked on my butt after I relinquished. So, preparation is a good thing, but all the preparation in the world will never prepare you for the full impact.

I just wanted to jump in here and say hi.

The way your post reads is that you are wanting a closed adoption. Are you sure that you don't even want a semi-open where you could receive pictures and card updates a couple times a year, your children don't have to know that it is their sibling but then you could know that you found the right parents.[URL="http://www.lifetimeadoptions.com"][/URL]If you ever need to chat just PM me. We are looking to adopt but I am here to learn as much as I can!!!Kimberly[URL="http://www.wanttobeparents.com"][/URL]