Alarming Misinformation

Yes its very silly. I know there are a few agencies that will only work with married couples in Kaz. I've never understood why. One of the BIG agencies says on their web site that they will only work with singles who don't have any children but this is actually untrue. I traveled with two single women using this BIG agency for the second time. So I'm not sure why its on their web site. There has been a rumor going around that with the age limit would also come limits to singles in Kaz. As far as I know there's no truth to it.

I am single and my agency, although they didn't say it, definitely put the couples ahead of me (and another single woman I know) when it came to traveling. A friend of mine is adopting a second child through one of the BIG agencies that says they won't allow single women with a child to adopt a 2nd. If they like you the first time, they will let you go back a 2nd time with them.

I heard from one of the agencies. They said they are being told by people in the country that singles are being passed over even though the new law isn't in effect. They said the "younger, healthy" children are going to couples. Boy did that tick me off. I pointed out that my son was 10 when I adopted him, and not considered "healthy" because of his missing hand - but I was still allowed to adopt. Plenty of people will adopt older kids or kids with limb differences. It seems sometimes like the whole world considers only a mother to be a poor substitute for a two parent family. Isn't one mama a better life than an ORPHANAGE??!! [Can you tell this is a sore subject for me?!] Dee

I am the proud single Mom of a daughter whom I adopted from China over ten years ago. I certainly agree with you that there are a lot of kids living in orphanages or impermanent foster care situations, who would do a heck of lot better if they had a permanent, loving family -- no matter what the makeup of that family was. A single Mom would be just fine with most of these kids. In fact, they'd probably be happy with a single Dad, or two Moms, or two Dads. However, you have to understand that the adoption authorities in many countries may never have been to the United States. They simply have no clue that a single woman in the U.S. can get a good education, rise to the top of her profession, make an above average income, sign the paperwork necessary to buy a home or a car without a male cosigner, have and raise a biological child by choice, adopt and raise multiple children, and be respected in her community. These adoption officials can go only by what they see in their own lands. In many countries, the idea that someone would become a single parent by choice is preposterous, since single parenting is so difficult and stigmatized that it is undertaken only by necessity. If a husband leaves the family in such a country, the wife may have to place their children for adoption because she will not be able to feed and clothe them. People may refuse to help her because they feel she must have been a "bad" wife, since her husband walked out. If a husband dies, the widow may be unable to remarry, even if she wishes to do so, unless she places her children for adoption or abandons them, because no man will want to live in a house with some other man's children. If a woman has a child outside of marriage, she may be treated like a leper -- shunned by her family and community, and possibly fired at work. And if a woman does not marry, she may be unable to play any meaningful role in her society. She may be unable to buy property in her own name, in some cases, even if she has the money to do so. She may face restrictions on her ability to get an education, hold a professional job, go places alone, and so on. And about the only single women who take in children who are not biologically related, in some countries, may be nuns or other charitable souls, who are never going to be considered as the parents of those children. So while I wish that more countries were open to single parents, I know that it won't happen until the people who serve in the Ministries dealing with children's services or as judges in family courts have a chance to see what actually goes on in places like the U.S., other English-speaking countries, and Western Europe. I remember spending some time with a group of Russian judges -- all female -- who were on a State Department-sponsored trip to the United States. At one point, I was having lunch with them. We got to talking about families, and I passed around a picture of my daughter. Not realizing that I was entering dangerous waters, I mentioned that I had adopted my daughter and asked if any of them were adoptive parents. Silence fell like a thick blanket. Then one of the judges, a redhead who was more outspoken than the others, told me, as politely as she could, "Well, we're not. But even if we were, we probably wouldn't tell anyone." This was a woman who processed adoption cases! The woman went on to say that, in Russia, it was still common for adoption to be treated as a shameful thing. A couple who could not have a biological child and decided to adopt would often fake a pregnancy. The wife would begin to wear padding under her clothes and would tell stories about morning sickness. The couple would then go away for a while, supposedly to the hospital, and would return with a baby. Obviously, the baby had to be of the same race, and had to look like the adoptive parents. The judges then began to talk about their experiences in the United States. It turned out that two things had totally amazed them. First off, they were amazed at how open everyone was about adoption. People actually joined organizations like FRUA, and got together to celebrate adoption! People adopted kids of all races, the way I had adopted my Chinese daughter, and didn't worry about them looking the same! This was just so startling to them. The judges also expressed amazement that American families were concerned about keeping adopted kids in touch with their birth heritage. In Russia, they had heard that if you placed a child with an overseas family, the child would lose all sense of his/her roots. But here, they went to a gathering at which Russian kids adopted by American families were celebrating a Russian holiday, eating Russian foods, practicing Russian phrases, and so on. The issue of single parents didn't come up, and the women were too polite to ask me about the fact that I didn't mention a husband. But I can imagine that these women would also have been pretty amazed if they had gone to a single adoptive parent event. I hope that our government continues to encourage cultural exchange programs and visits by people involved with adoption. These programs won't change people's attitudes overnight; we can't bring everyone at a Ministry of Education or all the judges in a country over. But every little bit helps. I also hope that we can get the mainstream media to portray adoption more realistically in the kinds of shows that get aired overseas, as well as in the U.S. People overseas watch American TV. Unfortunately, the image they get of the U.S. is all too often a faulty one, as a result. As an example, I'm told that China used to be opposed to Black or interracial families adopting Chinese children. The reason was simple. When American Black people were depicted in the media, they were overwhelmingly portrayed as poor, involved with crime or drugs, in dysfunctional families, etc. It took a while for the authorities to realize that there are plenty of Black Americans who work at good jobs, have good educations, value family life, and so on. I suspect that Black families may still find bias against them when they try to adopt from other countries that do not have a Black majority. In any case, while I wish that people overseas would welcome single adoptive parents, I do not blame them for not doing so. In most cases, they simply don't understand the situation in our country. What they often see, on a day to day basis, is single women placing children for adoption because they cannot provide them with proper care. Until they come to understand that things are truly different in the U.S., it is those perceptions that will drive adoption laws in those countries. Sharon