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Hello, I'm an adoptive mother of a beautiful baby boy. My husband and I are in a semi-open adoption and both birthparents signed their rights away. We were lucky enough to meet his birthparents and I care very deeply for them and love them with all my heart. They are wonderful people.
Now onto my question.....My husband and I have had our baby for almost 2 months now. I feel like I have been a great mom to him, but my husband has all of a sudden turned into this monster. He is very jealous of me even getting near our baby. He's been very abusive to me both physically and mentally. He has not hurt our son in any way, but I feel like I want our baby out of this situation and I will do anything to remove him. I want to get as far away from my husband as possible. My son does not need to be around this garbage. I'm having a hard time because the adoption is almost ready to go to finalization and I dont' know what to do. I could wait until finalization and then divorce him and fight for sole custody, but I don't want him be around him at all. My other option is to tell the agency about it and I assume they will tell the birthparents. Would the birthparents make that decison? What would you decide if this happend to you? I want to adopt him just myself and I'm such a great person and my family and church loves him so much. I can't imagine my life without him. I would be devastated. I can provide for him financially, emotionally and give him everything he needs. He would have male figures in his life such as my dad and brother who are great. I just want what is best for my baby. I love him more than anything in this world and I'm willing to fight for him. I work full-time, but my boss just informed me that I can work from home so I could be home with my baby. Can any of you birthparents tell me how you would handle this if it were presented to you. Keep in mind that I love him and if it meant losing him, I would have to accept that, but I just want him to be safe. He would be safe with me and if I contacted the agency before finalization, then if the bps decided it was ok, then my husband would not have rights, only me.
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While I, as a birthparent would be upset to know that the potential father of my baby was acting this way, I would understand you leaving him. I would not want my baby to be subjected to this. I would talk with your agency to see what they recommend. I am sorry this is happening. I wonder if the stress of the adoption and placement has triggered an undiagnosed mental illness within your husband. I hope he will go to counselling.
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Get your baby away from the "monster" as you called him... your baby is at high risk, and so are you. Don't wait until it is too late -- GO NOW!Many nmoms opt for adoption because they believe that TWO parents are better than ONE. I think it would be unfair to the original parents, this early in the adoption, to not be notified. I'm sure there are those nmoms who would want the option of bringing the baby back home with them, and there will be some nmoms who would desire to choose another two-parent family. There will also be some nmoms who would not object to the adoption being finalized. I personally would have a problem with the adoption being finalized, but that's just me (some ex-husbands, especially violent ones, have a hard time letting go... assuming, of course, that you will divorce and distance yourself from your husband)... physical abusiveness is hard to treat, and you don't need to be a martyr.I don't know her situation, but since you have met the nmom, and this is a semi-open adoption, it seems like you would have information on how she can be contacted. It is my belief that the nmom needs to have a voice in deciding the matter, even if it means returning the baby to her. Again, my opinion.I am so sorry that you are going through this horrible situation. Please take immediate steps to protect yourself and the baby, even if it means placing the baby in temporary care away from yourself in order to ensure its safety. Call the police, call the agency, and contact the nmom.We will all be thinking of you... please get away from this situation.Peace,Susan
I agree with everyone else that the first thing you need to do is get yourself and your baby to safety as quickly as possible. If you don't have a family member that you can run to then find the nearest shelter/safe house and hole up there while this gets sane again.
Now, for your next issue. There is no way that the adoption can or should be finalized with a situation like this going on. Your husband may be suffering from Post Adoption Stress Disorder and needs psychiatric help asap! Your home situation has changed and your home study is not an accurate depiction of your household. You need to contact your agency and let them know what has been going on.
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I totally agree with Ed. First, you need to be safe, so leave him. Second, I don't know what the situation will be, but I don't think it is fair to hide the truth or stay with him until the adoption is final just so the adoption goes through, if that is the proper word. I don't know the situation of which your son came to you, but I do know I, as a birthmother had it PUMPED into my head how I had to do what was right for my baby. My birthmother response would be "why does she get to lie just to keep my baby". I only mention that because you asked about what birthparents would do. I hope that doesn't sound mean, I really hope this situation works out for you to remain with your son, it sounds as if you have lost a lot already. God Bless your entire family!!!
First, I am sorry you are in this situation. Second, I am speaking as professional who works with the foster care system in Utah; hence, I work heavily with adoptions. I am concerned about your safety, as well as the safety of the baby. My advice to you would be to inform the agency of the problem, and seek counsel on how to proceed. Second, I would consult an adoption attorney to see what your rights are. (if you live in Utah, I can refer you to a great one.)
My primary concern is that if you stay, and if you allow the baby to be in an abusive environment, you are failing to protect this baby. Further, if you adopt and still remain with your husband, and the state finds out about the abuse, they could open up an investigation; worst case scenario is they would take the baby into foster care. It would be horrible for this baby to lose two families, and have to go through the grieving process of having to change families.
It almost sounds to me like you need to hold off on adoption, and get your marriage resolved. This is an awful time to adopt, and there are too many barriers right now. I wouldn't even go there.
Thanks everybody for your responses. I felt so alone in this situation, but everything is going to be ok. My son and I are in a safe place. We have plenty of family and friends. This is killing me, but I will do the right thing. I'm an honest person and don't believe in lying. I just want to get it all over with, so that my son and I can start our new lives together even if it means he is with someone else. What really stinks is if the agency takes him away or the bmom decides to choose another family. She will know how he is doing through the agency and get pictures, but I will never know or see him ever again if that happens, no pictures, phone calls or nothing. We have already bonded and he knows who I am. He instantly stops crying whenever he is in my arms and he knows my voice, touch, smell. I can tell these things. He's a little over a month old, but he turns his head to look everytime I speak. If I lose him, it will feel like a death to me, but at least I know he will be safe and I pray that whoever got him would be a good family. If this could happen to me, what about other couples...how do I know he will be safe with them. I know I could keep him very safe. It's just real depressing and I'm still trying to figure out why things have turned out this way. I have prayed for a baby for years and waiting for almost 10 years, now I finally get the baby of my dreams and my husband goes nuts....you all please remember us and thanks again!
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You really don't know what will happen. I understand preparing yourself for the worst but, honestly, you just don't know what will come of this - None of us do. I am at a loss here - I really wish I had some magic words to make this better for you. Just know that we all hope for the best - for you and your baby - and we are always here if you need some support.
((((Hugs)))
035568
You wrote....
Then on a further post you talk about your baby being a little over a month old. Can I presume the problems in your relationship are a little over one month old too?
I think you owe your husband and yourself some counselling and some time to try to sort this out. He was your obviously the love of your life pre adoption, and so my advice would be to put some time into trying to reconnect as a couple now rather than looking forward to a quick divorce and sole custody. Are you still both living in the same house?
Did you share? Did you exclude Dad unintentionally? Do you feel this child is yours - solely yours - to love and care for? I know Moms are the care-givers in 99% of parenting situations, but every Mom learns that Dad has a special place in the child's formative years too.
This may sound harsh but I fear your reactions are far over the top. As a birthmother I relinquished so my child could have what I could not provide. ie. a two parent family. All marriages have problems, and all couples have disagreements. I don't condone violence of any sort but I suggest you look at the relationship between you first before you start court proceedings to end the marriage. It would certainly be "in the child's best interests".
Ann
My husband and I have had our baby for almost 2 months now. I feel like I have been a great mom to him, but my husband has all of a sudden turned into this monster. He is very jealous of me even getting near our baby. He's been very abusive to me both physically and mentally. He has not hurt our son in any way, but I feel like I want our baby out of this situation and I will do anything to remove him.
I want to get as far away from my husband as possible
If my amom approach me with this situation I would tell her to leave him because for the well being of our child and herslef that is not the right situation to be in. If the birth parents are very comfortable with you and have a decent relationship with you I see no reason that they would not support you given the situation.
I wish you the best of luck and hope that everything works out for both you and your son.
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well, as a birthmother i would definately be really upset. part of the point of adoption is that birthparents want their children to have a better life than what we could have offered. abuse just doesnt figure into that. what you are going through is horrible. im so sorry things are rocky and you are right, get yourself and baby the heck out of there! im not sure of the legalities in your state about divorce and adoption and all that, but you really dont want to risk loosing the baby, but also dont want to be near the abuse. if my daughters a parents divorced i would be devistated, but even more than that, enraged if her mama didnt get her away from an abuser. it would also be terribly hard on the baby to loose you at this point and that is something most birthparents would look at. i dont know if your adoption is open or closed but if its not totally open, im guessing the agency cant share your news with your child's birthfamily. my adoption agreement says we are required to tell each other of moves, mairrages, divorces, children born etc. but that is here in oregon and that is a wide open adoption. get out of there mama. take care of yourself and your new babe! hugs!